these r my man jokes

and just in case any one takes offence .......GET Fcked there just jokes

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your d***.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

hehehe

The fishing club set off for the big annual deep water fishing trip off the coast of North Queensland. But when they are well out to sea the boat's engine blows up and they have to abandon ship.

They are in the water, 30 huddled together when the first shark appears. Then another and soon there is a pack circling the huddle. They circle for an hour.

Then the attack and the fisherman are all taken in a gruesome display of fury.

After the attack, one of the baby sharks goes to the old pack leader and declares that was the most awesome experience he had ever had. But he asks the old shark why did we circle them for an hour why didn't we go in straight away.

The wise old shark replies, "son has you grow up you will learn that they taste better with the sh1t out of them"

Mrs. Smith’s elderly husband doesn't feel well so she takes him to the Dr.

Mr. Smith leaves her in the waiting room for a while. Finally the Dr. comes and says, "Mrs. Smith I’m sorry to tell you that your husband is going to die."

Mrs. Smith says, "Dr. is there anything I can do?" the Dr. told her "well there is a couple of things you could do: First you could cook him a wonderful dinner every night. Second you could give him a nice back rub every night. Third you could make love to him like you never have before every night." Mrs. Smith says ok.

A little while later Mr. Smith comes out and asks Mrs. Smith "what did the Dr. say?"

Mrs. Smith says, "I’m sorry honey but you are going to die."

One man said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.

lol wtf ... now only joking here lewi (i have to say that) .. but did you recover ok

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definitely in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her.
She said, "The sky is definitely blue!"
"I'm sorry Suzy that's wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?"
Timmy raised his hand and said, "The grass is definitely green."
"I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher do f@rts have lumps?"
The teacher says, "no why?"
Johnny says, "Then I definitely Sh!t my pants!"

Little Johnny's teacher had a new game for the children. She would
pick a word and have the children make a sentence out of it. She had
to be careful because she knew that Lil' Johnny would try and turn
this into something dirty, as he had done so many times before.
She chose the word "fascinate".
Knowing that Johnny could not possibly mess this one up, she called on
him first. Johnny said, "My sister went to the mall and bought a
blouse. It had 10 buttons up the front, but her b00bs were so big she
could only fasten eight."
After all the kids had answered one, it was Johnny's turn again.
This time the word was "urinate".
The teacher was sure this one would stump Johnny.
Johnny said, "You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger b00bs you'd be a
ten."

An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table. …Alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it to her saying who it came from. She looks at the bottle and decides to send a note over to the man. The note said “For me to accept this bottle, you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank , and 7 inches in your pants..” After reading the note, the man sends one back to her and it read: “Just so you know, I have a Ferrari testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560 sel, I have over 20 million in the bank, but not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off 3 inches! Just send the bottle back

kinky......

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will
soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi
Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as
a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad campaign
suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a
stiff one."

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3. one to do it and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

who the fck wants to cure leso's, i wish i was one

woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks, "what happened?"
The woman says, "doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor says, "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says, "doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"
The Doctor says, "the tea does **** all. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
She says, “Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up.”
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! my hands are really freezing!”
She says again, “Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up.” He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!”

She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, 'Who's got the Biggest Pee Pee'". "How do you play that?" asked the redneck. "It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play." The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe. "You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my @ss up just one more time."