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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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I got home and told my wife I had just won powerball.
I said "pack your bags". She said "Where are we going" I replied "I'm not going anywhere" |
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Confusius say:
"Man who run behind car get exhausted" "Man who run in front of car get tired" |
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A bloke goes to his shrink one day and says
"doc, you gotta help me, I keep fantasising about having sex with my Great dane" The Shrink looked at him in disgust and said " How Low can a You get?" the bloke replied "anything lower than a cocker spaniel hurts my back" |
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A man approaches his best friend's wife one day when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.
"No. My husband wouldn't approve." "O.K. What if I give you $1000?" "Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work." So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught: "Was my best friend here today?" "Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern. "And did he leave $1000?" "Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst. "Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!" |
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer, Joel who was fresh out of RMIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about ?"
Joel says, "In the neighborhood of $150,000 a year, depending on the package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of $250,00, 6 weeks holidays, 1 RDO a week, 1/2 day Wednesday so you can punt at the midweeks, 20% superannuation, a company car leased every 2 years, and a Betfair account topped up if you lose ?" Young Joel sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." |
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Did you hear about the man whose credit card was stolen but decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
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A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." The entire congregation said, "Amen". Gotta love those old folks. |
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Seven Kinds Of Sex .... This rings a bell!
The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has become routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex... This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ... 'F... You.' The 5th kind of sex is called .... Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular) The 6th kind is called ....... Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And Last ..... But not least ....... The 7th kind of sex is called .... Social Security Sex.. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself. PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. I have enough problems of my own. |
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The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient says. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. 'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me! 'The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills. The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra' The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!' 'It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth.' |
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i miss roy too GS ... but the dentist a funny one ... now if we could have incorporated his pretty dental assistant into the end of the joke somewhere then even better  |
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Horse walks into a Bar
Barman says.... "Why the long face?" Yeeehaaa, I love that joke. Surely there are none better.  ROY!!!.......... Wherethebloodyhellareya?? |
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A penguin walks into the same bar, asks the barman have you seen my brother.
The barman asks, what's he look like? |
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Hot and Cold Sex
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man: ' You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.' After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?' 'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January'. |
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Solid work, Hal
Best of all, I'm a chance to remember it!!  |
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The Agony of getting old
After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my old friend Jack. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back." |
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I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack
Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.” Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.” Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?” Wife: “In the swimming pool.”  |
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Live In Hope and his wife walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.
"Why don't you do that?" said the wife. "Honey," replied Live In Hope, "I don't even know that woman!" |
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welcome back roy ol mate ... great to read this thread and the stones one once again (almost hear you sigh .. a classic) |
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ROY
I even made a thread asking your whereabouts. You realize you need majority vote before you take a break !!!, just bring in your note to the complaints dept tomorrow. Good to see you back but no chance of you been nominated for the 2012 awards now Roy. |
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Bulldogman1 walks in to the Barbershop. Barber says, "What will it be today?" Bulldogman1 says, "well I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that."
Bulldogman1 says, "That’s how you f@cking cut it last time" |
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After drinking, Men talk unnecessarily, Become emotional,
Drive badly, Stop thinking, Fight for nothing Women can do all these without drinking! |
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Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?" The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?" The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!" The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?" The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine." The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?" The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"
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and thanks also roy ... for not bolding or nominating me or some other forumites within this joke |
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The temptation was there...but I passed on it lol
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... |
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Two guys STS and HongKongRacing were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in.
One said "MEL-BUN" and the other "MEL-BORN." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. STS goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Mac Don alds." |
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One day a boy asked his grandpa "Grandpa make a frog sound"
His grandfather, who is the rarely sited forumite SOTM, asked why? The boy said, "Grandma says when you croak she's taking me to Disneyland” |
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A young Aussie joins the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors.
"But dad, how will I know?" "Trust me son, you will know. After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his fathers hand. "Well son,how did it go?" "Dad, I found out what you meant about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard." "But how could you tell he was gay?" "Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling "THROW ME A BOUY, THROW ME A BOUY" |
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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old; I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said, and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck; who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... 'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood ; you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name,so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation, once again many thanks. Thank you for your advice.. Sincerely, **** van **** |
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D!ck van Duyke
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The teacher was telling the kids about the birds
and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest. Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach.!!! |
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so i was very drunk and by mistake started to p1ss in the sink.i was standing there for hours.didnt realise the tap was dripping
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A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, DeNephew. |
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Thebas an very old man went to the doctor for his physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Thebas walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “You’re really dong great, aren’t you?” Thebas replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”  |
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there are days when i wish both were true Roy   |
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A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. |