A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the
young rooster rushes and scr@ws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again scr@ws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster scr@wing the hens but he is scr@wing the turkeys,ducks even the cow.
Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.
The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny b@stard!"
And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in  Ireland. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs
Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their Balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common?

In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.

(David Bowie)-Aladdin Sane-08-Let's Spend the Night Together

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vYmcxsIzMY&feature=related

Bowie's version to yesterday's flipside, I'd forgotten all about this

SEE...... that's what happens if you don't have a coffee first lol

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you m@sturbate, do you think?

A. You need more time together.

B. She's a prude.

C. She should have sat elsewhere on the train.

An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.

He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.

"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."

A bloke asks his mate 'do you ever talk to your wife during sex ?'.

His mate replies 'yeah, if she calls ...'

A doctor broke the bad news to Live In Hope, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.
“I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said.
“Makes sense,” mumbled Live In Hope. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.”

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. He eats the sandwich,
pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go,  the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going?
You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following  definition for Panda:
"A tree dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats shoots and leaves."

Two blokes walking along see a bunch of men playing 2up---One bloke says to the other"whats this game their playing?"   The other bloke other looks at his mate and shakes his head and with a quizzical look says"Dunno mate,I cant makes heads or tails out of this game"

Megsy was on vacation in a nunnery with one mate (educeee)

60 naked nuns in the pool in Southern Italy and one monk.

They both jumped in.........ed came out with a mouth full of nipples.........the monk wanted to marry megsy.

A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense.

There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."

A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Curious to see what’s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside.
Someone inside pokes him hard in the eye and everyone starts inside chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Doubleagent is sitting in a bar drinking.
After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls.
He crawls to the door of the bar and tries  to stand up and he falls again,
he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again.
He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground.
His wife opens the door and surprised  she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?"

Five Important Qualities

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important  to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that  these four women do not know each other.

Man walks over to a lady in a bar and asks 'whats your name ?'
'Carmen' she replies, '... I like cars and men ! Whats yours ?'
The man looks her up and  down and says 'Beerp@ssy ...'