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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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... or the guy who stayed up all night to see where the sun went ... then it dawned on him.
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Three old timers chatting at restaurant! They sat down at a table while waiting to be served. One of them said 'Hey Jake! Isn’t this your 50th anniversary? Jake replies! Yep. Well, the old timer asked, what are you planning on doing? Jake replies, well! I remember taking my wife to Darwin on our 25th anniversary. The other old timer asked, Oh ya, so what are your plans for your 50th anniversary? Jake replies, I’m going back to pick her up!!!!!!!
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Bet $3.65
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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother." |
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 ... and your brother lol ... she really knows how to twist that knife |
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A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!" |
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confucious say ... if man not feeling the love like he used to ... time to change hands
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Q. What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?
A. Dam |
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i once went on a date with a girl who had her left eye missing.
she was a right looker |
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.. and what about the guy who was reading a book on anti-gravity ... he couldn't put it down  |
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Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland at the time, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week." PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!" Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..." PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!" Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?" PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck." Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!" Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need. Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one......... MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM |
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Megsy walks into a pub in England and gets talking to a bloke who the whole forum knows as a sacked music teacher from Berk_shire.
The music teacher takes him into the dunny,dressed in overalls,thick gloves and a pair of goggles.Megsy staggers out with a megasorearse and calls him a liar. Fraudy says "Im not really a welder,your the 5th Antipodean today,but did you enjoy it"? |
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The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...
Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins.... Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un. GT-MOLE from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended or fter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today, a bit retarded, but Ind still here today". Megsy the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis. |
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An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says. Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me." "Oh yes, Bruce" she says. "Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm." "Oh, yes, Bruce", she says. "The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me." "Oh yes, Bruce," "Now here I am, in excruiating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me." "Yes Bruce." "Shirl." "Yes, Bruce?" "You're bloody bad luck" |
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An Ukrainian migrant to Australia wanted to become a cabbie so he had to go for an eye test for his drivers licence. He was shown a card with the text CWNSCZYZQOCTAZS. He looked at it with wide open eyes, looking very surprised. The examiner said impatiently; well? And the Ukrainer answered; I know that bloke...
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Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife." Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?" "Chook's missus gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook`s widow." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab" |
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A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young English couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While the man is in the bathroom, the cowardly husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!" |
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Megsy was on secondment just outside Soweto township on patrol with me one evening.He suddenly drew his Glock and shot a bloke who was peddling like phuck on an old bike.
I was shocked and said to megsy "Why the phukc did you shoot him 4 times in the back" Megsy said "Curfew" I said "Curfew ffs doesnt start for another 10 minutes" Megsy said "I know where he lives,he would never have made it in ten minutes" |
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comon GT lift your performance, you can do better than that or you been hanging out with the other breed too long?
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A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer. “I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler. “Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman. So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!” |
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Bookie sponsors the outing of his local Angling Club and proudly announces, "First guy to catch a fish, any fish, and bring it to my betting office in the High Street will get $100. 3.00 in the afternoon, an angler bursts into the betting shop, fishing rod in one hand and a great big flat fish in the other hand. He looks about, sees the bookie sitting at a large desk behind the counter and approaches excitedly. He drops the rod on the floor and using both hands, he slams the large flat fish on top of the counter and yells at the bookie, "Remember what you said earlier"! The bookie replies, "Don`t let it be said that honest Joe Dobbs doesn`t pay out" and shouts to the girl cashier, "Shirley, give the man $20"! As the girl puts a $20 note in front of him, the guy yells, "Wait a minute Guv, you said $100"! "Listen son", replies the bookie, "Don`t you know the rules of betting? It`s a fifth the odds for a PLAICE"!
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Megsy joins a queue outside an amusement park,when he gets to the front he asks the lady at the counter if they have any hard core porn.The lady looks at him with distaste and states that the queue he was in was for fish and chips.
Megsy says,I thought this was the place to buy under the counter porno videos,the lady tells him he can have Hake,Haddock or Sole,Tuna,Shark.......snapper or whatever he can think of. Megsy says "Have you got a Fish Called Wanda"? As he left with just a bag of chips he spotted Second Coming being smacked around the head by his mum (SCs not megsys).SC had a sofa on his head and a chair under each arm...........his mum kept slapping him and saying "How many times have you been told,NEVER accept suites from strangers". |
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ttt
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An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be? 'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere.' |
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HILLBILLY DIVORCE
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.' The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere. The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere' The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.' By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ...The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.' |
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bigted
 nice one mate |
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Remember the good old days when race commentaries were the thing before betting shops had pictures? Here`s a story from way back then.
An indepent bookie wasn`t doing so well, when one day a complete stranger walks into his shop. "Excuse me", says the stranger, "I`m new to this game, how do I write a bet out"? "Just write the horses name on the slip", replies the bookie, "And put the stake next to it". "Thanks", says the guy. He then looks up at the board, picks out a rank outsider @ 25/1 and puts $500 on it, a small fortune way back then. The race is run and the punter`s horse is not mentioned in the commentary. He rips up his slip and exits the shop. Next day, he returns. He looks up at the board, picks out a 33/1 shot and sticks another $500 on it. Again the horse isn`t mentioned and he exits the shop. The following day, he again returns. He looks up at the board, picks out a 50/1 shot and sticks another $500 on it. Again the horse isn`t mentioned. "How are you enjoying your new hobby"?, the bookie asks "I quite like it", the guy says, "But, if my horse doesn`t get a mention again tomorrow, I`m packing it in". That night, the bookie is in the pub having a pint when he see`s an old friend of his who just happens to work for the firm which provides the race commentaries to the betting shops. "Hello Jim", says the bookie, "How are you getting on"? "Fine", replies Jim, "How`s business these days"? "It was really poor", replies the bookie, "Until three days ago, when a right mug punter started to come into the shop. He looks at the board, picks out a rank outsider and sticks $500 on it and exits quickly when it gets beat". "Sounds like you`ve found a goldmine there mate", says Jim. "Only problem is", says the bookie, "He`s coming in again tomorrow and if his horse doesn`t get a mention again, he`s chucking it". "Easy way to get round that", says Jim. "What do you mean", asks the bookie. "Well", states Jim, "I do the commentaries. All you have to do is phone me just before the race and tell me what the mug has backed and I`ll slip it into the commentary during the race". "Brilliant", says the bookie, "Absolutely brilliant. If you do that for me, I`ll split the $500 with you". Next day the mug comes in the shop, looks up at the board and sticks $500 on a 66/1 shot. Five minutes before the off, the bookie phones his pal. "Jim, the mug has backed Love Hurts, a 66/1 shot in the 4.00 at Moonee Valley", informs the bookie. "No problem", says Jim, "Leave it to me mate". Anyway, half a mile to go and Love Hurts hasn`t got a mention to the obvious disappointment of the mug punter when suddenly, "Approaching the third last and it`s Green Mile and Happy Guy, neck and neck, with Red Ruby 3 lengths back in third. Number 4 Love Hurts is making rapid headway towards the leaders". The punter looks round towards the bookie and smiles. The bookie in return gives him the thumbs up signal. "Two fences to go and it`s Green Mile and Happy Guy being joined on the outside by Love Hurts. Red Ruby is dropping back in fourth. They are over the second last and theres nothing to choose between the three up front. It`s Green Mile, Happy Guy and Love Hurts as they approach the last. Over the last and it`s Love Hurts going on by a length from Happy Guy and Green Mile. On the run towards the line and Love Hurts is stretching clear .................. AND I`M NO F*CK*NG KIDDING"!!!!!! |
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While getting a checkup, Live In Hope tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?’ Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds." Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.
About a month later Live In Hope is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?” The man says "yes". "How close did you get before she answered?" "Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said "For the FIFTH TIME... WHAT???" |
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I deleted all my german friends from my mobile phone contact list..
now I'm Hanns free. |
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A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them.
The mother mouse goes, "WOOF WOOF!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?" |
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they have developed a new drug for lesbians with depression...
its called "trycoxagain" |
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What have lance Armstrong and Neil Armstrong got in common?theyv both reached the end of their cycle
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Doubleagent was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!" |
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A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps a bucket of cow sh!t all over the carpet.
He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don’t do wonders cleaning up that cow sh!t, I’ll eat every chunk of it.” She turns to him with a smirk and says, “Do You want some tomato sauce on that?” The salesman says, “Why do you ask?” She says “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”   |
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megsy walks into a bar and bumps into Second Coming who is boasting about his shagging exploits in Queensland.
Megsy notices a load of scratches on SCs wrists and asks have you been hand feeding parrots and budgies. SC replies "No YFDC why do you ask"? Megsy says "Stick your tongue out" SC sticks his tongue out and megsy tells the bar "Hes had a cockatoo on that" |
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Bigted's wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell”.
“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what problem is?” “The problem is,” she complained, “It wakes me up.”  |
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A pommy mate of mine was in a London pub last Saturday night and ended up with 2 black eyes, i enquired as to how it happened, he said well there were 2 rather largish women with real heavy accents, so i said are you to ladies from Scotland, they replied its Wales you idiot, i said my apologies, are you to Whales from Scotland
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Bulldogman1 calls into see his old mate Robbo who has a broken leg. Robbo says,
“Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?” “No worries,” Bulldogman1 says, and he runs upstairs and there are Robbo’s two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds “G’day girls, your Dad sent me up here to f@ck ya both.” “P!ss off ya liar!”, they said. “I’ll prove it,” Bruce says. So he shouts down the stairs, “BOTH OF THEM, ROBBO?” “Of course ya idiot, , what’s the use of f@ckin’ one" |