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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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The Pope walks into a Mosque.
The imam says "Why the wrong faith?"  |
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Live-In-Hope got one of those motion detector alarms installed today, so he used his wife to see if it worked.
She's been standing completely still in the garden for 6 hours now.   |
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My girlfriend said I could shave her down there to spice things up in the bedroom. I couldn't have been happier.
Her feet were disgusting. |
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Doubleagent got stopped by a copper the other day, He asked for his name which he gave to him. He asked "How do you spell that?"
Apparantly "T.H.A.T you d!ckhead" wasn't the answer he was looking for.  |
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I'm writing a television series which involves everyone smoking dope.
It's a mellow drama.   |
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After arguing with my son I said to my wife, "Did you hear the way he speaks to me? Kids today have no bloody respect for their elders."
"You can say that again," her father piped up. "And you can shut the f@ck up," I snapped. "Nobody f@cking asked for your opinion".  |
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Two cows are standing in a field.
The first cow says "Are you cold?". "Yes, I'm Friesian ", came the reply. |
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Women are being so selfish these days.
I mean I brought breakfast in bed to a girl and instead of getting a "Thank you" she yelled "How the f@ck did you get in my house !" |
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All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." 2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane." 3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." |
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A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.” I said, “You’re not coming in mate!” He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.” |
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An American couple got into my taxi and said they wanted to experience a typical Melbourne cab ride.
So I put Punjab FM on the radio and drove like a c@nt.  |
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My doctor said, "Err, ..Mr Smith, ...I got your little note declaring your undying love for me."
I said, "Yes? Do you like it? Do you feel the same way?" "Well I'm very flattered," he replied, "It's just not something I expect to find during a Prostate examination." |
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Over the dinner table the wife said to me, "Watch it, there's a fly on your dinner." As she prepared to shoo it away.
I said, "No leave it, it's the only thing on the plate that isn't f@cking burnt." |
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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"
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A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..." |
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The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!" |
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Apparently Harry Potter and three of his g@y mates started a boy band.
They're called Wand Direction. |
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An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses.
He said no, but he had once told a donkey to fcuk off. |
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"I don't know who you are, but I will find you, and I will kill you."
And that was how I lost my job as a hostage negotiator on the first day. |
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how do they separate the men from the boys in morwell?
with a crowbar. |
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A student comes to a young professor's office.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam," she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything... "He returns her gaze, "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?" |
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A sl@t wearing a miniskirt walks into a bar and bends over.
The bartender says "Why the thong lace?" |
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I walked up to a girl earlier and said;
"Did you fall out of heaven?" "Aww, because I'm an angel?" "No because you look like Felix Baumgartner." |
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A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him. "He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the reply. |
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A girl was giving me a hand j0b last night.
“You’re really good at this,” I said, “what’s your secret?” “Years of practice,” she giggled. “You’ve done this to loads of guys then? I asked. “No” came the reply, “my name used to be Derek.”   |
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Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, “I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.” Joanne giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft.”
Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, “Well, what do you call your boyfriend?” Kathy frowned and said, “The postman.” Looking puzzled Joanne asked, ”Why the postman?” “Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.” |
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There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog." The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too." The man at the door says, "Come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!" |
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An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.” The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?” The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!” |
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Do not have phone sex!
You might end up having hearing aids. |
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lol, getting better again roy
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One day a golfer accidentally overturned his buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?" "It's John, and I'm OK thanks," he replied. "John forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the buggy up later." "That's very nice of you," John answered, "But I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh come on?" Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive. "Well okay" John finally agreed, and added, "But my wife won't like it." After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, John thanked his hostess. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile , "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Under the buggy!" He explained.  |
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My wife called me as I was sitting in the pub last night.
"I've cooked dinner," she screamed, "And if you're not home within 20 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog." "Woooah! That's bang out of order!" I said, "It's not his fault."  |
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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, mum ?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. “What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?” |
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the f@cking wall!” |
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I wanted to tell a joke about six eggs crossing the road.
But I was told you should never count your chickens before they're hatched. |
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There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Bunnings". |
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A woman sued her local hospital, claiming that after her husband was treated recently, he lost all interest in sex.
The hospital spokesman responded, “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight.” . ================================================================ My wife told me to go to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills ! I'm looking for a place to live now. Do you know any good places? ============================================ I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official race - I just stand in the city centre and shout "Allah is a bastard" and then off we go.... ============================================================ An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined? and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.......... "But a man is sitting on the well!" ================================================================== A woman sued her local hospital, claiming that after her husband was treated recently, he lost all interest in sex. The hospital spokesman responded, “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight.” ================================================================================================= •Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction. ======================= •My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face...... =============================== •My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Beehive matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk... unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage. ========================================= •I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards. All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!' =========================================================== •Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready! ====================================================== •Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!' ========================================================================================= •Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England... A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor. I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently, " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69. I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex. Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them - they said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and, to my horror, we had six matching balls! A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The " BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open. |