The teacher asked little Johnny; "If I have 5 mangoes in one hand and five mangoes in the other, what do I have?”

" Big Hands, " said Johnny.

After backing the winner of the Bendigo Cup, to impress his date, young Joel took her to a top shelf Italian restaurant.
After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That"s the owner."

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

AAAANNNNNDDDDDD something a  little more topical

There's a new drink called the 'Sandy'.

It's really just a watered down Manhattan.

I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.

Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.

He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."

"No problem." I smiled.

He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."

I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."

Megsy walked into his local bar and his best mate asked "What the fukc have you done to your hair"?

Megsy replied "It was a pom with a grudge......called max"

His mate "Ffs mate did he attack you with a pair of hair clippers"?

Megsy "No,he left without saying goodbye and stole my hairbrush,bitch"

Maybe you heard about the man whose credit card was stolen but decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

(Rolling Stones)-1994-Voodoo Lounge-10-Sweethearts Together

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbm3bwlCAfk

Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free. As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he was. "I am 4 years old".
"And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver. “When I get off the bus" answers Johnny.

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and fifty cents in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the fifty cents and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the fifty cents instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside..

He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’

‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

A teacher asks his pupils, "Can anyone tell me the difference between constructive criticism and unnecessary nastiness?"

Little Johnny puts his hand up.

"One is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others, usually involving both positive and negative comments."

"Very good, Johnny," says the teacher. "And the other?"

"Your mum's a c@nt."

A Queensland Tourist visiting New Zealand for the first time hired a car to travel to both North & South Islands.
On his way to the south Island he observed a bloke in a paddock having sex with a sheep.

The tourist was horrified to think this unacceptable behaviour could occur in this educated country.

He was so disgusted he stopped at the nearby pub to sooth his nerves.

Whilst at the bar he noticed a chap with one leg at the end of the bar discreetly wanking himself.

The tourist was disgusted & said to the barmaid, "What the hells going on over here,

I've only been here for a couple hours & I've seen a bloke screwing a sheep in the paddock & now this one legged bloke at the end of the bar wanking himself off".

The barmaid replied, "You can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep".

Sign on Tabcorp company bulletin board:

“This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”

Two barbershops were in red-hot competition. One put up a sign advertising haircuts for $7.

His competitor put up one that read, “We repair $7 hair cuts.”

And why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called ... a broker?

George Carlin

Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

The world is $5 trillion in debt.

Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He s pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.

He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golf’s and says, “Are you any good?”

The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”