A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles.. But he had serious doubts about Louie  who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. 

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?'

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.'

'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand... 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?'

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest,  confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional 
salesman and the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 
'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?'

Louie just nodded. 
   
'That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.'

'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister! agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'

Louie shrugged.. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' 
he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you  j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'

To celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary, a couple returned to their honeymoon hotel. After retiring to bed, the wife said, “Darling, do you remember how you stroked my hair?” and so he stroked her hair. She reminded him of the way they had cuddled, and so they did. Then, with a sigh, she whispered, “Won’t you nibble my ear again?”

With that, the husband got out of bed and left the room. “Where are you going?” cried the wife.

“To get my teeth,” he said.

"Honey," said Live In Hope to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.”
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol.”

The KAMIKAZE DRINKING MACHINE and his wife were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

http://photos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s720x720/532810_336196529787964_383584622_n.jpg?dl=1

PMSL ... ffs ... ripper lmao ...

little johnny slaughters them yet again ... this time its the constabulary

The chairman of the Mathematics Department at the college sent the following email to his wife:
Dear Helen, You know that you are 54 yrs old and are no longer able to satisfy all of my needs. By the time you read this I will be off to meet my 18-year-old intern at the Holiday Inn. I'm sure you understand and agree that my needs are important. I will try to be home before midnight.

Well after reading the message, she immediately sent the following reply:

Dear Mack, Received your email and I do understand needs. Just wanted to remind you that you also are 54 yrs old. By the time you receive this reply, I will be at the Ritz Carlton meeting with our 18-year-old pool boy. I know that as a mathematics professor you will understand that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Turn off the lights when you go to bed and don't wait up, I'll be home very late.

Doubleagent was telling a girl in the pub about his uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" He replied.

Two eggs boiling in a pan.
One says, "I've got a huge crack."
The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f@cking hard yet."

Two doctors are having sex, he says to her, "You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after."
She replies, "Well you must be an anesthetist,  because I didn't feel a f@cking thing!"

A mother was arguing with her teenager and finally she reaches breaking point and blurts out,
"I should swallowed you when I had the chance!"

What do a gynecologist, and a pizza delivery guy have in common?


They both can smell it, but they can't eat it!

Jack life's dream was to represent Australia at the Olympics. But Jack was handicapped, so he looked to the paralympics for fame and glory. He set his sight on the 100 mtrs swimming freestyle. He trained and trained and made the squad. Now Jack's handicap was severe, he had no body, he was just a head.

Finally his big day came, the final of the handicapped 100 mtres freestyle. Jack rolled himself onto the blocks, the atmosphere was tense. The starter finally said go and Jack rolled himself off the blocks, but to the crowd's alarm Jack sank straight to the bottom. There was no movement so officials dived in and brought Jack to the surface. On the poolside Jack was blue and gasping for breath.

His coach ran over and screamed Jack,Jack what went wrong?  FUKCN CRAMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A woman asked her lover, "Would you keep f@ck me that much even after marriage?
He replied, "Sure dear, if your husband had no objection."

A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of their wedding anniversaries are the next day.
Poor man, "What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversary?"
Rich man, "I got her a pink Ferrari and a diamond ring."
Poor man, "What made you choose those gifts?"
Rich man, "She loves fast cars and I wasn't sure about the ring so if she doesn't like it, she can take it back in her new car... "
The poor man nods in agreement.
Rich man, "What did you get your wife?"
Poor man, "I got my wife a pair of cheap slippers and a d!ldo."
Rich man, "Why did you choose those gifts?"
Poor man, "Well if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f@ck herself."

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's  take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind,  he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t!ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

A man walks into his office box on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor, doubleagent.
It reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"
Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!!!!"
Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from doubleagent.
Expecting an apology he opens the e-mail.
It reads, "Want to buy some?"