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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met.
While sitting at a cafe the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind." "Why, yes I remember it well dear." replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time’s sake, lets go there again and I’ll give you one from behind." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady’s hips and the little old lady then reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don’t move for a hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What’s your secret, could you shag like that fifty years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, fifty years ago that f@*king fence wasn’t electrified." |
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The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”
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A man went to a doctor to have his d!ck enlarged. The particular procedure involved grafting a baby elephant’s trunk onto the end. Overjoyed, the man went out with his girlfriend to a very fancy restaurant.
After cocktails, the man’s pr!ck crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" Suddenly, the pr!ck came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don’t believe I saw what I think I just saw. . . can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "I’d like to, but I don’t think my @rse can take another crusty roll !" |
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Little Johnny, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”
“F@ckin' huge hands, miss.” |
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A man has just died, two weeks after falling from a Sydney hotel balcony.
.......must be a f@@king tall hotel. |
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 iancp  |
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A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"
"I’m sorry but I’m not medical staff, I can’t help you with that" she replies. "Oh, please have a look for me, I’m really worried; Are my testicles black?" Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I’ll have a look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his **** out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to me". The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results back?" |
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Women are just like cartons of orange juice.
It’s not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is – it’s getting those f@cking flaps open!! |
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Three nuns die and are at the gates of heaven and St. Peter pops up and says "Before you enter heaven you must each answer one question correctly".
The first Nun was asked "Who was the first man on earth?" to which she replied "Adam" and was allowed into heaven. The second Nun was asked "Who was the first woman on earth?" to which she replied "Eve" and was allowed into heaven. The third Nun was asked "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" to which she replied "Ohh! That's a hard one" |
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Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?’
Al replies, "I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter. ’ When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?’ The waiter says, "I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks. "He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews. ’ Al isn’t satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?’ The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor!’and goes back into the kitchen. While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere. ’ The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews. ’ "Are you certain?" Al asks again. "I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!’ "SENOR, I ask EVERYONE, " replies the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews. |
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Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and f@c-king. |
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I’ve got a better idea. . . . let’s pretend we’re married." "Why not, " giggles the woman. "Right", he replies."Get your own f@cking blanket." |
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Live In Hope's wife is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in. She turns and says, "You’ve got to make love to me this very moment." His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table. Afterwards she says, "Thanks, " and returns to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?" She explains, "The egg timer’s broken."  |
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Doubleagent was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, he said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled." |
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"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." |
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A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." |
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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..." |
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Got beat by a whisker-again was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really p!ssed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. whiskers has been missing since Friday.  |
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Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.
"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous." "My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit." "How?" "I hid his teeth." |
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Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
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A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town he went into a nearby saloon. Approaching the bartender he asked, " Is there any action to be had in this town?"
"What do you mean, action," asked the bartender. "I mean, are there any women," said the trapper. "No, but there's always old Joe," replied the bartender. "No thanks," said the trapper. "I don't go for that kind of stuff." The next spring the trapper came back into town. After being snowed in for 9 months he was in a slightly different frame of mind. He walked into the bar and asked, "Is there any action in town?" "There's still old Joe," replied the bartender. "If I were to go for old Joe," he asked, "Who would have to know about it?" "Well," said the bartender, "there's you, me, old Joe of course, and these three guys sitting at the other end of the bar." "What do we need those three guys for?" asked the trapper. "To hold old Joe," replied the bartender. "He don't go for that kind of stuff, either." |
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A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.” “Then you owe me $18.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $18.50 (attorneys don't carry cash). Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: It was a bill for $100 for a consultation!
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My wife shouted upstairs, “The sun’s just come out.”
I thought great, threw on some shorts and thongs and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our boy holding hands with his mate Michael. |
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English..... I Love You
Spanish..... Te Amo French...... Je T'aime German...... Ich Liebe Dich Japanese.... Ai **** Imasu Italian..... Ti Amo Redneck..... Nice T!ts |
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" |
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Tuesday bonus joke
Who has the bigger and more loved @ass in Australia..???? Julia Guillard or Black Caviar..? |
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johnnybut i refrain ... and restrain ... from looking at the rear end of our beloved pm |
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Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your pen!s?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it." |
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Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river.
The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a Betfair forumite and walked across the bridge.  |
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Dear Bulldogman1, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.
Love, Mary PS. Congratulations on picking the Quadrella each day this week. |
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I told my wife to spin the globe, put her finger on it and wherever it lands that will be the holiday destination.
”Ooooo!” she says excited, ”Looks like its the Caribbean.” ”Great .” I replied, ”Now lets see where I’m going.  |
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