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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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Burning Spear has been a professional punter years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys fifty acres of land in Central Australia as far from humanity as possible. Burning Spear sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a man standing there. "Name’s Doubleagent... Your neighbor from forty miles away...Having a party Saturday... Thought you’d like to come." "Great," says Burning Spear, "after six months out here, I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Doubleagent is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’." "Not a problem... after years of punting, I can drink with the best of "em." Again, as he starts to leave Doubleagent stops. "More "n" likely gonna be some fightin" too." Burning Spear says, "Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again." Once again, Doubleagent turns from the door. "I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that’s not a problem," says Burning Spear, "I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there... by the way, what should I wear?" Doubleagent stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us." |
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Recently on a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy." |
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Lazza goes into a Chemist Warehouse to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk. "Gee, I don't know." "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" Lazza is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Roy54boy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" Roy54boy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid called Joel comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" Joel embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him, has a feel and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"  |
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Did RoyBoy get the scented edible ribbed ones??
for her pleasure  |
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sophie has never taken sick leave either  |
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Thebas went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed the re. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
Thebas said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. Thebas agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $1,500 a month in your Betfair account." |
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excellent a day's extra punting  |
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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me — I need to speak to him." She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I’m afraid that I can’t, " breathe s the barman, clearly aroused."Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message, " she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." |
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Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer. B!tch. . . |
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, . . . our son in-law!" |
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Since its started snowing all my wife has done is gaze through the f***ing window all day. If it gets any worse I'll have to leave her in..
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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’ Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’ Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathe rs, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’ ’Never, ’ said Ralph. ’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’ Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . . Ralph! Wake up you dirty b@stard. You sh*t the bed!’ |
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Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don’t have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea – why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled." So that’s what Rich did. The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did, " said Joe. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I’ll be back in an hour!!" |
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In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette" The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my mum has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!" |
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A sweet young girl entered a pet shop and asked, "Do you have widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper knelt down, smiled and asked, "Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft fuwwy bwack wabby, or a cute widdle bwown wabby?" She put her hands on her hips and said quietly, "I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit !" |
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Ben Cousins - "The Boy that Never Grew Up"
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Cousins had the gear up his @rse
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allegedly
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A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act." "Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch. "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now! |
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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment – a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?” The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, thighs, and p@ssy, and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He remarks, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?” “No problem, ” replies the young man, “just get that f@cking lion out of the way.” |
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The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Africa and one from NewZealand. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins - Kiven the Kiwi says, " I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider therees. Why, just the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodile, who came out of the swamp and ate sux men who were standen close by. I grebbedthe crocodile and wrestled him to du ground and killed em with my bare hends" Jerry from South Africa who typically can’t stand to bettered said, "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tinytrail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move onme. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it’s head off ind the nsucked the poison from it’s body down in one gulp. End I’m still here today" Doubleagent the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his pr!ck. |
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Irish Declare War On France
The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!" Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners. |
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An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking." |
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3 men walk into a bar, one an australian, a italian and a irishman.
they order 3 beers, the barman says firmly, just a friendly warning, that guy at the end of the bar, he has no ears, dont look at him or he will rip you apart, he is very sensitive about having no ears. fine say the australian, italian and the irishman, we just came if for a friendly drink. 10 beers each later, they start looking at the big burly guy with no ears, laughing as they stare, unable to control their laughter. the big burly guy with no ears approaches the 3. he says the the australia, 'hey you, what are you looking at"? the australian replies, "im looking at your hair, beautiful beautiful hair, you have to look after your hair, if you dont look after your hair you will go bald like me, such beautiful hair. the other 2 are rolling around in laughter. the big burly guy with no ears says to the italian, "hey you,what are you looking at"? im looking at your teeth, beautiful beautiful teeth, you have to look after your teeth, if you dont look after your teeth you will end up with false teeth like me, such beautiful teeth. instantly the big burly guy with no ears says to the irishman, "hey you,DICKHEAD, what are you looking at"? ahhh laddy,im looking at your eyes, bootiful bootiful eyes, you have to look after your eyes, if you dont look after your eyes you will end up wearing glasses like me, but you got no fooking ears to hangem on. !! |
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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor." the husband said "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself!".
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At the end of a long work week on the punt, a group of Betfair punters discovered that one of them, Young Joel, was a virgin. Well, they decided this wasn’t right, and pooled their money to remedy the situation. They talked him into going out for a night on the town; got him all cleaned up, and drove to the local brothel.
Upon entering, the ring leader went to the madam, explained the situation and gave her $200 (less today's 3.2 commission). She assured him she would fix Joel up right; so they all left Joel there to enjoy himself. Being naive, Joel asks the madame what’s going on. She explains to him that he is about to become a man, courtesy of his friends. "All you have to do is choose one of my girls and she will take care of you." Well, Joel looks around at the group of women before him and, after several minutes of pondering, picks a likely looking girl (wearing a 'I love Boort trots' T-shirt) to take upstairs. Once they are in their room, the girl says to Joel, " I hear you’re a virgin boy. So what’s your pleasure? You want missionary, lazza style, bulldogman1 style, "round the world, 69 or what?" Joel says, " Gosh Boort Trots lady, just give me what you think I oughta have." "No Boy, I’m a professional. You need to tell me what you want." Joel decides 69 sounds pretty good, so they settle into the proper position. After several minutes of missing the target, Joel finally gets it right and is starting to enjoy. Sadly she'd had beans for tea and lets loose a little f@rt in his face. Joel shakes his head, thinking it’s part of the fun, and continues lickin" away. A little while later, she passes wind again. Joel still thinks it’s part of the fun and dives back in with a vengeance, lickin" like there’s no tomorrow. A few minutes later, she really lets loose with a f@rt that curls Joel’s eyebrows. He pushes her off of his face and says, "Lady, I don’t want you to think I’m not enjoyin" myself or anything but I’m buggered if I can take another 66 of those." |
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A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers.
With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’ |
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A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack." |
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A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates |
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When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so, " says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a pen!s?" "Well, " says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what’s going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency, " says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her @ss in it." |
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Q: Did you hear the one about the Easter Bunny who sat on a bee?
A: It’s a tender tail! Q: How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? A: With a hare dryer! Q: How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs? A: He hires Santa’s elves during the off-season. Q: How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? A: Eggs (X) marks the spot! Q: What will the Easter Bunny be doing after Easter? A: One to three for breaking and entering. Q: Did you hear the one about the fifty-pound jelly bean? A: It’s pretty hard to swallow! Q: What did the rabbits do after their wedding? A: Went on their bunnymoon! Q: Did you hear about the farmer who fed crayons to his chickens? A: He wanted them to lay colourful eggs! Q: What did one colored egg say to the other? A: ‘Heard any good yolks lately!’ Q: Why was the Easter Bunny so upset? A: He was having a bad hare day! Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? A: They lived hoppily ever after! Q: Who delivers Easter treats to all the fish in the sea? A: The Oyster Bunny! Q: How should you send a letter to the Easter Bunny? A: By hare mail! Q: What do you need if your chocolate eggs mysteriously disappear? A: You need an eggsplanation! Q: How do you catch the Easter Bunny? A: Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot! Q: What is the end of Easter? A: The letter R. Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and the Easter Bunny? A: A good Easter. Q: Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose? A: Because the powder puff is on the other end! Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a rooster? A: The very first rabbit to lay an egg! Q: Why did the Easter egg hide? A: He was a little chicken! Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day’s work? A: Tired. Q: What did the Easter rabbit say to the carrot? A: It’s been nice gnawing at you. |
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http://www.easterhumor.com/pics/bitten.html
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hey roy thanks for the jokes - we had a family gathering last night and i provided the floorshow with your material. keep em coming please mate
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Glad to be of service LIH, hope you have a great Easter
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