ty rOYbOY...SIZE 8 In her dreams..

roflmao...nice one Roy

I found this anonymous article deeply moving                                                                                           -- I hope you do, too.



As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the  back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.                      
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in    place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.                  

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;

















"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."

SOTM went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day SOTM reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it’s like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

SOTM replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the stupid jar open!"

A married couple, both avid golfers, was discussing the future one night.

"Honey", the wife said, "if I were to die and you were to remarry, would you two live in this house?"

"I suppose so - it's paid for."

"How about our car? Continued the woman. "Would the two of you keep that?

"I suppose so - it's paid for."

"What about my golf clubs? Would you let her use them too?

"Heck, no," the husband blurted out. "She is left-handed."

How do you p*#s off a hitch-hiker???


Pick em up and do a U-turn...

  lol roy

*************


The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.  They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.   The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.  He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.  He walked Out with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,   'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'


It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.


But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. 

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.  "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,


''Where are your testicles?''



The old Chief calmly replied,


'' Vietnam ''.

think 'ive told this before anyway -

Bloke was engaged to a jockey.
They had this system going where the girlfriend would tip him something in races she was riding.
He would go to the fence during the preliminaries and she would give him a sign or signal which described the tip.
One day at Ipswich she was riding in the third and as she trotted past she adjusted her skull cap up and down - boyfriend races off and backs Tip The Hat. It bolts in. Couple races later she trots past with a huge big smile on her face - boyfriend twigs, off he goes and backs Smile For Me. Up it gets. Last race she canters past and gives her fanny a vigorous rub. Well after the races she meets up with the boyfriend and excitedly asks how much money did we win? "Three winners out of three she shouts". The boyfriend says, "nah not three, just the two, Tip The Hat and Smile For Me. Girlfriend says, you idiot! What about Itchey Mick in the last race?? Oh, says the boyfriend, i thought you meant the c vnt was scratched. :(

2themax wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a handyman, and started canvassing a well-to-do housing estate. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for him to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge ?"
2themax after looking about, said, "How about $50 ?"
The man agreed and told him that the paint and other materials that he might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband "Does he realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied: "He should, he was standing on it. Do you think he’s dumb ?"
"No. I guess I’m guilty of being influenced by all the "dumb pommy forumite" jokes."
Some time later 2themax came to the door to collect his money.
"You’re finished already?" he asked.
"Yes" he replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the five ten dollar notes.

"And by the way," 2themax added, "it’s not a Porch, it’s a Jaguar."

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.


The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, 'Up yours!' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and said to him, 'Mr. Pope, we're staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows," said Moishe, "he took out his lunch so I took out mine."

How much protein does one get licking a woman's p@ssy..?


Depends on which way she wipes her @rse.

A new high-tech, fully automated supermarket opened recently in town.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"WOW! This is great," he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots if other bunny rabbits - all free and nibbling at the lush green grass. "Hey," he called out. "I’m a rabbit from the laboratory over there and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us, " they all cried out.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass.

It tasted so good.

"What else do you do wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said, "you see that field over there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour gorging on the most succulent carrots he had ever tasted. "They are wonderful" he told his new friends.

Much later, he asked them again: "What else do you do?" "You see that field there in the distance? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well".

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned some hours later, completely full of lettuce.

"Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.

One of the other rabbits came close to him and spoke softly:

"There is one other thing you must try." Pointing to a bunch of rabbits in the far corner of the field, he said "They’re girl rabbits. We sh@g them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the afternoon screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back to his male friends. "That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of the asked.

"I’m sorry. I had a great time. Believe me, but I can’t".

The wild rabbits all stared at him in amazement. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory.... I’m dying for a smoke."