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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles. |
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Doubleagent is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?" So Doubleagent runs around the next block and faces her again; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?" She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?" "Nah", says Doubleagent… "Costs too much…" |
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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a mobile phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping for groceries. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" Susie replied, "I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though." "What’s that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was in the supermarket ?" |
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A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services?" "Yes," he says "I was in the army for three years and served in Iraq." The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM." The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?" "This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that." |
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Freddie Mercury, Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates.St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.
Freddie says "I know I haven’t led a perfect life and I’ve made some mistakes along the way, but I’ve made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I’ll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be" "Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?" Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I’ll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place" "Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?" Diana doesn’t say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her @rse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor. "Excellent, you’re in" says St Peter "Hold on a f@cking minute" says Freddie "She didn’t even say anything" "Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush always beats a pair of Queens...." |
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A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?' The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.' |
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" A male greek student, lazza inquired, "How much for a season pass?"  |
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Well ..we like to deals ha ha |
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Roy was walking along a Melbourne beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Tasmania but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Tasmania so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another
wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four ?" |
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Q What was Molly doing up that ladder ?
A Looking for a manhole ! |
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A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to bulldogman1 in a plane......
The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please? bulldogman1 replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!" |
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One morning, the members of a farm family were coming to the kitchen for breakfast. Just as Live-In-Hope, the farmers son, seated himself, his mother told him he was not going to get anything to eat until he went to the barn and fed the animals.
Irritated at this, he stomped out the door and headed for the barn. As he fed the chickens, he kicked each one in the head. As the cow bent down to start in on the fresh hay he had just put in the stall, he kicked it in the head. He poured food into the trough for the pigs, and as they started eating, he kicked them in the head. He went back to the kitchen and sat down again. His mother was furious. "I saw what you did, so since you kicked the chickens, you’ll get no eggs for breakfast. And since you kicked the cow, you’ll get no milk. And no bacon or sausage because you kicked the pigs." Just then, the father came down the stairs and nearly tripped on the family cat. On impulse, he kicked the cat off the stairs. The boy looked at his mother and asked "Are you gonna tell him or should I?" |
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Roy's wife is looking in the mirror one evening and says to her husband....
"God, look at me, I look fat, old and ugly. Please pay me a compliment" "Yer f@ckin' eyesight is spot on"   |
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A guy walks into the local corner shop looking for some toilet roll.He asks for assistance from the assistant as to which is the best value.He replies " well we have three brands .Luxury standard and home brand.Luxury $3.5 Standard $2.5 and home brand $1.We are looking for a name for the home brand" he replies so if you would try them please let us know what you think.
Two days later the man arrives back at the store. "i have a name for your product " he advises. Whats that the assistant asks John Wayne he replies The assistant looks puzzled and asks why. "They are rough and tough and dont take any siit from any indian." |
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A couple bring home their new baby who is born with no ears. Their friends are asked to come and see the baby but the woman is reluctant because she's worried her husband will say something inappropriate. But they decide to go anyways.
As they look at the baby the man asks "Does the baby have strong bones?" "Absolutely," the father says, "he's as strong as an ox." "Does the baby have good hearing?" the guy asks? "Yep, he already recognizes my voice and responds to everything I say," the father says proudly. "How about his eyesight?" the man inquires. "His eyesight is great too," the father answers. "That's good," the man says, "because he sure in hell won't be wearing glasses." |
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A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...." "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good." |
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When I was in junior high school, all I wanted was a girl
with large breasts. In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was without direction. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with large breasts. |
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An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful
girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says. "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated "NO! Get away from me!" "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK... but only for a minute." She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars? |
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Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
A: They are Braille for "suck here". Q: Why do women have tits ? A: So men will talk to them. Q: What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts? A: Silicon Valley. Q: What do you call boobs on a girl scout? A: Brownie points In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country - men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? -- Hugh Grant |
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Doubleagent appears yet again for drunken behaviour in public before the tired judge, who says, "You have been constantly appearing before me for the past twenty years."
Doubleagent replies: "Can I help it if you can't get promoted?" |
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Quick,go get your Mother." |
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A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up so she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties.
She went home and donned the new panties and selected a short skirt to go with them. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him sipping a glass of wine. She slowly spread her legs..."Would you like some of this?" "No way !! Look what it’s done to your knickers !!" |
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SOTM went to the local chemist and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill. The pharmacist asked "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That’s too small a dose. That won’t get you through intimacy. The old fellow said, "Oh, I’m that old and I don’t even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t p!ss on my new shoes I bought after backing Koonoomoo last night...IMO. |
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A paperboy is doing his monthly round of collecting money from customers. One door is opened by a fairly sexy,buxom woman, who is wearing a transparent lace negligee.
"Hi Missus I’ve come for the paper money, it’s $5 please." says our boy, with his hand held out. "I’m afraid I’ve no money in the house," the woman replies in a breathy voice, "but if you come in I’m sure I can think of something..." So our lad goes in and the woman throws herself back on the fireside rug, pulling off the negligee, moaning "You can have ME instead..." The kid sighs, takes off his bag, and then produces a **** that would be more in place on a stud bull. The woman is agog. Our lad then produces a load of big rubber rings from his bag, which he proceeds to stack around his giant knob. "What are they for?" asks the woman. "Oh, they’re just to make sure I don’t go all the way in when I sh@g you." replies the boy. "To hell with them! implores the woman, "I’ll take all of you!" Our lad replies... "Not for five f@cking dollars you wont!" |
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After many years at sea, a pirate decided to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job, he thought that he should collect on his worker’s compensation insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye.
The agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" asked the agent. In a booming voice the pirate replied, "Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg." The agent replied, "That is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand?" "Well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand" said the pirate. "That’s also work related" agreed the agent. Now how did you lose your eye?" asked the agent. The pirate replied, "Well matey, I was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and dropped a splat right in me eye!" "What does that have to do with the loss of your eye?" asked the agent. "It were the first day with me hook!" |
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A young couple from Toorak, not long married, over commit themselves financially and find themselves falling deeper and deeper in debt. After many agonizing days and nights they agree that the wife should go on the game to help make ends meet.
"What should I do" asks the wife."I dunno, just put on something sexy and hang around by the front gate" says hubby. After a very short time a punter pulls up and inquires about the price of a r00t. She informs him she is new to the game and doesn’t know how much a r00t is but she will find out. She rushes inside and says that there is a fellow outside who wants to know how much a r00t is. "$100" says hubby. She rushes back to the punter conveying the price to him. He tells her that he only has $60 and what can he have for that. She tells him that she will find out. "A bl0w job" says hubby and back she goes. The punter is happy and they settle into the car to commence business but wifey cannot contain her absolute delight as the fellow whops out the biggest c0ck she has ever laid eyes on. "Hang on" she tells him a runs in "Darling" she says to hubby "do you think we can lend him $40....." |
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A couple realise that they are spending far more than they earn every week so they decide to go through the bills.
"Look at this!!", says the wife, "$56 a week on bloody beer!! That has to go for starters". "What about this then?", says the husband. "$83 a week on makeup!!". "But I need the makeup to make me look young and attractive for you" explains the wife. To which the husband shouts... "That’s what the f@cking beer was for!!!" |
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Lazza The Greek was lamenting his life to his friends one day - i have amassed great wealth and done many things of greatest for my community, he said.
See that school and university in the south - i build those places! But do people call me Lazza the Builder? No! Look at those magnificent shipyards, i was the engineer who designed them but do people call me Lazza The Engineer? No. Look at all my restaurants that provide wonderfull food and work for my countrymen but do people call me Lazza The Restauranteer? No! But **** one lousy goat .... |
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... (at the joke, not at our lazza lol) |
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this isnt a joke, but i sure have a good laugh.
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A woman meets Bulldogman1 in a bar.
They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’ She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how was it?’ The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says... . . . . . . . . . "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"  |
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excellent Roy
he's my kinda S.N.A.G. |
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This Catholic Priest, Methodist Preacher, and a Jewish Rabbi were sitting around discussing how they divide the take from each Sabbath.
The Priest said, "What I do is I draw a line down the center of the room and then throw the money up in the air. Whatever lands on the left is God’s, whatever lands on the right is mine." The Preacher said, "Well I do almost the same thing only I draw a circle in the middle of the room. Whatever lands in the circle is mine and the rest belongs to God." The Rabbi says, "No, you both are doing it wrong. I take the money and throw it up in the air. Then I yell, God, Take what you want!. Whatever comes back down is mine......." |
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Laythefave went into a tattoo parlour and asked to have a $100 note tattooed on his ****.
The tattoo artist said, "I’ve had some strange requests, but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your pr!ck with a picture of a banknote?" The man replied. "There are three reasons. One, I love to play with my money. Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow. Three, and this is the most important of all -- the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she won’t have to leave the house!" |