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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem." The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!" The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since!" The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know..." A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer." The bartender says, "Why didn’t you try what I told you?" "I d-d-did!" said the man, "It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work... ....b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!" |
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Two gay men, Rupert and Quentin, are behind some bushes,
When all of a sudden Rupert shouts out as he is having terrible pains in his stomach Quentin asks him "What?s the matter with you" Ruperts says "I think I’m having a baby" Quentin says "Don?t be stupid you can?t have a baby - you?re a man" Rupert says "I can feel it moving around in my stomach" All of a sudden Rupert has one almighty pain in his stomach so he pulls his trousers down and squats. There is a bloody mess everywhere as he pushes with all his might. When he is finally finished he looks down and shouts out at the top of his voice "I’ve had a baby. I can see its little arms and legs moving around" Quentin comes over to take a look.. "You dirty bastard. You’ve just sh!t on a frog" |
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Knock Knock
Who's there? Alex Alex who? Alexplain later now let me in. |
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A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him.
"Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I’m Stacey. What’s yours?" "I’m Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??" "Sure!" replies Jim, "Let’s go!" So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey’s desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says. "Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey. "Is it your brother?" "No, it isn’t, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim’s eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey’s husband. When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved. "Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim’s ear. She says, "No, silly!!" "Then, who is it?" Jim asks. Stacey replies, "That’s me BEFORE my operation!!" |
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A female athlete is preparing for the Olympics. She goes to the coach and complains about the tablets he is making her take.
"They are causing hair to grow on my breasts’ "Ah whats the problem, a little bit of downy hair. everyone has a few little hairs’ "They are not downy and they are not little and they are not a few’ "Well exactly how much is there ?’ "They grow all the way down to my balls, and thats something else I want to talk to you about’ |
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There was this traveling salesman from California , headed to New York City. He was a salesman for this electronic company. He traveling east he comes across this detour and follows it. Its getting late it,s 9:00 a’clock in the evening then bang he blow’s out a tire. He makes his way to a nearby farmhouse to ask if there’s a spare room he can stay the night in. Then fix his car in the morning.
The farmer says "yes there is one room, but you’ll have to share it with my 3 ....sons" The salesman replies - "I’m sorry, I must be in the wrong joke" |
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The parents of two young boys are discussing what to do about their sons foul language. Father eventually comes to a decision. " Well we have tried everything else" He says," I guess the only thing left is corporal punishment. The first little bugger that swears tomorrow will get it".
Early next morning the two boys come downstairs for breakfast. Father asks the first boy, " What would you like for breakfast son?" The little boy replies, " I think I’ll have some f@ckin" eggs". SMACK! His father nearly knocks the boy off his feet. He turns to the second boy and asks him what he would like for breakfast. To which the boy replies, "Well I sure don’t want any f@ckin" eggs". |
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: How do you know if an Pommy girl has an orgasm?
A: She drops her bag of chips. Q: Whats the similarity between an Pommy girl and a dogs turd? A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up! Q: Whats the difference between an Pommy girl and a washing machine? A: You can dump your load in a washing machine without it following you around for a week. Q: Why was the Pommy girl so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2 to 5 years Q: Whats the differences between an Pommy girl and a fridge? A: The fridge doesnt fart when you take you meat out of it. Q: How do you tell when an Pommy girl is having her period? A: She is only wearing one sock. Q: What does the label in an Pommy girls knickers say? A: NEXT! |
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again opened it andslammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" . . . My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU’VE GOT MAIL!" |
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I guy walks into the butchers shop points to huge stack of steaks behind the counter and says to the butcher" I bet you can't reach that steak right at the top" the butcher turns around and looks at the steaks, and looks back at the guy and says, " I'm not going to take that bet the stakes are to high"
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An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?
"He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast." |
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Listen Up Ladies
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put the bloody thing down. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present. . . again. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it. Saturday = Football/Rugby/Racing/Any other sport. Let it be. Shopping is not a sport. Anything you wear is fine. Really. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don’t ask us. Just get your arse down a gym. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes. |
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Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." |
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Why do women wear makeup and perfume
Because there ****n ugly and they stink |
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What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow. |
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A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I’ll go home." |
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Who is Schitt?
The lineage is revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don’t know Jack Schitt." Now you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnet, married O.Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children; Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Dip Schitt and Deep Schitt. Against her parent’s wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a High School dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr Sherlock and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens daughters were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "You don’t know Jack Schitt". You can correct them. |
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An old Indian Chief sat in his Hogan on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver. Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled ... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that." |
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New daily exercise for Betfair forumite in 2012
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10kg potato sacks. Then try 50kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get where you can lift a 100kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks. A Happy, Healthy and Prosperous New Year to all you guys |
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Man: Excuse me Miss, but were you born in Tennessee?
Woman: No, why? Man: Because your the only ten-I-see! . .. ... .... ..... ***GROAN*** |
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if join you? My partner didn’t turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You’re welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I’m a hit man," was the reply. "You’re joking!" was the response. "No, I’m not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That’s a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked! What’s that? Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her. He’s naked as well! That bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she’s always been gobby, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he’s a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his **** off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand ....." |
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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don’t worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of ****ss and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don’t worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and then you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The bartender noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this act pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin" me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third pub! |
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A girl and her boyfriend are going on a date. The father greets the boy while the daughter's getting ready.
"Do you like to screw?" the father asks the boy. "Umm, I guess.." the boy answers. "Great," the father replies, "my daughter likes to screw also. In fact she'd screw with every boy in town if she could." The boy is taken aback. "Why don't you go upstairs and suggest to her that you two screw tonight?" "Are you sure about that?" the boy asks. "Absoultely," the father answers, "just screw all night and have a good time." So the boy rushes upstairs to tell the daughter what her father said. A couple of minutes later the girl comes down with the boy really angry. "For God's sake," the girl sas to her father. "How many times do I have to tell you? It's called the Twist." |
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Father Ted Dougal Milkfloat Speed
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MUz0rhBews |
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I went to see the nurse at the doctors this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w@nking. When I asked why she said, "Because I’m trying to examine you!" |
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A cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a clearing. There on a blanket was a naked Indian with a h@rd on.
"What are you doing ?" the cowboy asks. The Indian answers, "Me tell time." "OK. If you are so good, what time is it ?" The Indian looks down at his prick and the shadow it made and said, "It 2 o’clock." The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right !" The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket. "Don’t tell me.... You’re telling time too ?" The Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time." "Okay smart@ss, what time is it ?" The Indian looks up at the sun and down and says, "It 4 o’clock." The cowboy is amazed at the Indian. He keeps walking and hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, w@nking. "Don’t tell me you’re telling time !" The Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch !" |
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Q: What does every woman call an intelligent, attractive, caring, loving and sensitive man?
A: A dream. |
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A guy is in the pub toilet having a piss when the door opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a monster pr!ck.
To the man’s amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his d!ck into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams it into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then he slams it into the wall of the room, knocking a very large hole into it. The giant approaches the scared guy having a p!ss. "Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong c0ck?" he asks. "Yes," replies the guy taking a leak. "Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong c0ck?" "No, I’m afraid I don’t," "I’m going to shove it up your @rse !" "Jesus, that’s a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!" |
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Extract from a new book.......
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning as I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind- blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed too quickly. Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered, "Baaaaaaa’ and rejoined the flock. This book is only for sale in Wales, New Zealand and certain parts of Outer Mongolia. |
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ahhhhhh! the shepherds delight
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http://www.youtu.be/watch?v=B10XptWwfuY&feature=related
weird al |
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If you receive an e-mail purporting to contain a nude photo of Susan Boyle DO NOT open it!!
It contains a nude photo of Susan Boyle. |
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How Did It Happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..." "Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room and she asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I’m sure," I said. "Isn’t there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!" |
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During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank Of Ireland it was found that
Paddy O’Toole was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password : he replied "Bejazus! are yez feckin’ stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital" |
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Indian chief decided it was time to give his 3 sons their adult names as they had reached manhood. So he gathered them in to his tent, together with the elders of the tribe.
He turns to the 1st son, "Son, you will be called Eagle. " The 3rd son interrupts, "Father, father, what will I be called?" "All in good time my son", replies the Chief. He continues, "you will be called Eagle because you are strong and wise." The Elders agreed. He then turns to the 2nd son, but the 3rd son says "Father,father, what will I be called?" "All in good time, my son" he replies. He then continues to the 2nd son, "Son you will be called Swallow". The 3rd son says again "Father, father, what will I be called?". "All in good time my son" comes the reply. He then continues, "you will be named Swallow because you are quick and cunning." The Elders agree. He then turns to the 3rd son who is asking, "Father Father,what will I be called?" "Son, you will be called Thrush." "Why is that father?" he asked excitedly. "Because you are an irritating c@nt." |
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Daughter : Dad Im Lesbian
Dad: Oh okay 2nd Daughter: Im Also Lesbian Dad: WTF! Dosen't Anyone From This Family Love MEN? Son: I Do Dad faints |
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A couple, aged 67, went to the doctor's office. The Doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.00 . This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "we're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. Holdiday Inn charges $32.00 . Hilton Hotel charges $37.00 . We do it here for $20.00 and I get $18.00 back from medicare for a visit to the doctors office. |
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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, and asked, "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. We had an efficiency expert here that determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. That same efficiency expert determined that we spend 21.4% of our time washing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my tool out of my pants, go, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon." |