One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"  Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!"  Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..." 

During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.

He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?

The man said yes! The robber shot him.

Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?

She said no, but my husband over there did.

The Jewish kamikaze pilot,

Crashed his plane in his brothers scrapyard.

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"

The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.

"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."

"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"

The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.

The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"

"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"

"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women's deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're f@cking ugly!

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."

"How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

kepp em coming guys

You gotta love him!

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2  cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
A very angry Teacher: Where the in hell do you get seven from?!?!?
Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a ****in' cat at home!!!

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend,

"That's us in 10 years".




He said "That's a mirror, dip-sh!t!

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000.00 ring. The old man said, "No, I’d like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000.00 the jeweler said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We’ll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the older man. "There’s no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!’

A salesman decides to try for a new job in a department store.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The man, "Yeah, I’ve been a salesman all my life."
The boss liked him, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.? I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.? After the shop was locked up, the boss came down.? "How many sales did you make today?"
The salesman says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$50,237.64."
"$50,237.64?? What the hell did you sell him?"
"First I sold him a some fish hooks.Then I sold him a new fishing rod.? Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that big twin engine job. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the car department and sold him a 4x4 Land Rover."

The boss said, "Somebody came in here to buy fish hooks and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, "Well, since your weekend’s f@cked, you may as well go fishing."

guy works at a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her."

The boss says, "You screw your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

Psych 101

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys, and inside the cage hang a
banana on a string from the top, and then you place a set of stairs
under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys
with cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with
same result ... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon when another monkey climbs the stairs, the others will
try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away.

Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs.
To his shock, all the other monkeys beat the cr&p out of him. After
another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb he will
be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original monkeys, replacing it with a new
one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment... with enthusiasm.

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by
a fourth, then fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs
he's attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea
why they were not permitted to climb. Neither do they know why they
participate in the beating of the newest monkey.

Finally, having replaced all the original monkeys, none of the remaining
monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless,
none will try to climb for the banana.

Why, you ask? Because in their minds... that's the way it has always been!

(This, my friends, is how Parliament (Federal & State)  operates... and is why, from time to time,
all of the monkeys should be replaced at the same time or given a good spray.)

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well" he explained "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: "Ladies and Gentlemen" ".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better than that English bastard!" and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

"Well" he explained "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying "Dear Ladies and Gentlemen" ".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself " I’ll go one further than those mainland bastards!" and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

"Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying "Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."