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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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A man walks into a watch and clock store, unzips his trousers and slaps his c0ck on the counter.
The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a clock shop - not a c0ck shop!" "Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?" |
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A very rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his Mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters at the BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud Splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, Throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, 'Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' Nah, you all right, I don't want it,' said Jimmy. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.', How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Jimmy. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?' Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Jimmy, then what do you want?' And Jimmy said.......................... "I just want the name of the b@stard who pushed me into the Fvckin pool!" |
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A man takes his dog to the vet.
“My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" “Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he is cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”  |
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ffs
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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line." |
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hahahahahahahaha
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In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.
In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..." |
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"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." [>o][>o] |
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A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." "Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture...[:(] |
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A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?"
"Well," the doctor replied,” the female brain is less because it has been used."  |
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Three footy fans were walking back from the MCG when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of Jolimont Road.
They stopped and discovered a nude female unconscious and near death so one of them phoned the police and also requested an ambulance. Out of respect and propriety, the Melbourne fan took off his cap and placed it over one of the female's breasts. The Richmond fan took off his cap and placed it over her other breast. Following their lead, but with great reluctance, the Collingwood fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part. The police arrived first and an officer began to conduct his investigation. First he lifted up the Demons cap, replaced it and made an entry in his notebook. Next, he lifted the Richmond cap and replaced it; making more notes in his book. Then the officer lifted the Collingwood cap, replaced it, lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time - shaking his head in disbelief. The Collingwood fan was extremely annoyed and challenged him, "What are you, a pervert or something mate? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer, "I'm a little surprised and confused. "Normally, when you look under a Collingwood cap ... You'll find an ****." |
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A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. Only one guy says he can do it, and he whispers something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse laughs his head off.
So the following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The same guy comes up to him, then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom. Amazingly, when they come back, the horse is sobbing. The horse's owner goes over to the other guy, and says: "Hey, I just gotta know - how did you do that?" "Simple," he replies, "last week I told him I had a bigger c0ck than him. This week I showed him...." |
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Q: What did one maths book say to the other ?
A: Man I got a lot of problems! |
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Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard.
"Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?" After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?" |
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LOL
Little Johhny and a K, I thought that was heading elsewhere! |
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Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother?
Boy: He thinks he is a chicken. Doctor: really? How long has this been going on? Boy: Five years. Doctor: Five years! Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.  |
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Q: What do you call a midget fortuneteller on the run from the law?
A: A small medium at large. |
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmwGFX5pgXw
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from the latest south park episode ...
Q: why do girls wear make-up & perfume? A: cause they're UGLY & they STINK! |
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A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth."
To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." "Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on." |
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Alex Fergusons wife woke him up this morning...she said "come on love wake up,its seven" ...
He turned and said, "What! have they scored again?" |
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One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported this to a nearby police officer. The officer saw the whole thing and said "You bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off as well" The banker stared at where his arm used to be and said "OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!"
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A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.
Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel", replied the madam. "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man. "Oh, we're having a yard sale today." |
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A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."
The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" "Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them." |
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This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. Much to his surprise, a genie flies out. "Oh master," it declaims, "your wish is my command."
Great, thinks the guy, his chance has finally come! "Genie," he demands, "give me a c0ck that touches the floor." Whereupon both his legs fell off.  |
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Two prostitutes walking, one prostitute says, " Girl we gonna make some money tonight, I smell dick in the air" the other says no that was me I just burped.
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Q: what do a cyclone and a married woman have in common?
A: at first they're wet and blow a lot and in the end they take the house |
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Teacher : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Little Johnnie : A teacher. |
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Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"
The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood." The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!" The third vampire says "Give me plasma." The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light" |
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I was standing in a bar in Cairns – North Queensland and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.
I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?” He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”? “No”, I say, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer you little pr!ck. |
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". |
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Yes, Johnny, what is it? Asked the teacher.
I don’t want to alarm you, Miss, but my dad said if I didn’t get better marks, someone was going to get a licking. |
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lmfao
little Johhny !! what a fcking hero |
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'Wy you not at school yesterday ,Johnny?'
'My dad got burned miss' 'I'm sorry to hear that, was he badly burnt?' 'They don't fcuk about at the crematorium, miss' |
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A guy tells his psychiatrist, “I always have this weird dream at night. I am locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won’t budge." The psychiatrist muses, “Interesting." But tell me what does the sign on the door say?
The guy replies, “It says 'Pull'” |
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What’s the good part about Alzheimer’s diseased?
You keep meeting new friends. |
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A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct," says the manager, "now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the sh!t house door off a tuna boat!" |
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Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?" Wife : "Those they gave away." Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cvnts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand." Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?" Husband : "That's where they held the auction. |