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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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Q: What do collingwood fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities. |
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Q: If you see a Collingwood Fan on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bike... Q: What would you do if you saw a Collingwood fan walking towards you with a wound? A: Stop laughing, reload and shoot again! |
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Eddie McGuire is walking down the stairs of the Westpac Centre with Nathan and Tania Buckley.
All of a sudden Tania slips and her head gets caught between the rails. While she is there Nathan takes the opportunity to give her a good rogering. After he finishes Nathan looks at Eddie and says, "Your turn Ed". Ed looks at him and tears start to roll down his face. Nathan asks, "What's up Ed?", to which Eddie replies, "I don't think my head will fit between the rails" |
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Did you hear that Eddie Maguire was complaining that a lot of clubs have done very well through the father and son rule.
Collingwood apparently has been missing out and not picking up many players through this rule and Eddie wants to change it. The problem is that none of the Collingwood players know who their fathers are. |
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What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a suit?
The defendant. Why do collingwoood girls wear flannelette nickers in the footy season? To keep their ankles warm! One of these Collingwood girls l was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed." Sharon: "Ok." Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?" Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!" A Collingwood girll goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the assessor. "Ten" replies the Collingwood girl, "Ten?"says the Centrelink worker. "What are their names?" "Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan" "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Collingwood girl. "Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have shout NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY or NATHAN GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Centrelink worker. "That's easy," says the Collingwood girl... "I just use their surnames" What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a white tracksuit? The bride The toothbrush was invented in Collingwood. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush. |
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A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and,
trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Collingwood fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one boy. The teacher looks at the boy with surprise and says: "Little Johnny, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Collingwood fan," he replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Geelong fan, and proud of it," Little Johnny replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Little Johnny, why are you a Geelong fan?" My mum and dad were born and raised in Geelong, so my mum is a Geelong fan and my dad is a Geelong fan, and so I'm a Geelong fan too!" "Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Geelong fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Little Johnny said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan." |
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Travis Cloke is excited about getting married, but I think it's just because he wants to hear someone say "Mrs. Cloke" instead of "Cloke misses."
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Nick Maxwell's girlfriend gets home to him jumping around celebrating and shouting "43 days, 43 days!"
She asks him why he is celebrating, and Nick tells her that its how long it took him to finish a jigsaw puzzle. "Thats a good thing?" she asks. "You bet!" replies Nick. "It says between 3 to 6 years on the box!" |
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Q. What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. |
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A female Collingwood supporter walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. " Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise." |
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There was a Collingwood supporter on WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE and he was stuck on a question.
Eddie McGuire helps him by saying he has still got the 50/50 , Phone a friend , and ask the audience. The contestant chooses phone a friend. So he rings up his mate Gaz and says: "Hey Gaz, stuck on a question here, just wondering should I go 50/50 or ask the audience?" |
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A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor." She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem." The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!" |
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A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.
She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!" |
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What do Collingwood supportes use for protection when they are having sex.??
the Bus shelter |
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What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it. How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind. What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of semen. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut! What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? A pick pocket snatches watches. |
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An Essendon, Carlton and a Collingwood fan were all in Saudi Arabia,
sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, "It's also my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Essendon fan was first in line as he had drunk the least. So he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Essendon fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The Collingwood fan was next up as he almost finished an entire bottle ofScotch by himself, and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Collingwood fan out crying like a little girl. The Carlton fan was the last one up as he had finished off the crate, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your supporters are some of the best looking and most intelligent football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thanks, your most Royal Highness," the Carlton fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes. "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave", the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks. "Tie the Collingwood fan to my back." |
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he's probably on half a mill a year as a VISY AMBASSADOR too
 recycling jokes doesn't save the earth though  |
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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unanswered. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker... "It's not talcum powder...... It's Miracle Grow".. |
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Howdy, Roy
My post, above was a response to someone saying " some of your best work, Ziggy" Has that post been deleted? or did I see it on another thread and get confused? or am I just losin ma shitt?  |
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Another thread TINS
Thinly veiled "Make people think another joke was entered to try to get the number of views over the political threads" post....IMO  [:p][smiley:crazy] |
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Sneaky
, I like it...... but sadly untrue, Roy  I do drop in from time to time to time though, on accasion It's a ding-dong battle though, aint it |
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken. |
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A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Glad Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?"
The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!" [:(] |
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I was gonna give my change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU."
So I held onto it, just in case he was right. |
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A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!" |
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ROY
KeepadancinaMaria!!! |
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Roy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
Roy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?" The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room." |
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Sir Paul McCartney's getting married today. Seeing how happy he and his bride look, I bet Heather Mills is trying to kick herself. (she has a wooden leg for all u aussies that dont know, wd beating SA today btw)
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Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood, & Paul Newman, were sitting aaround a camp fire, discussing who was the hardest.
Eastwood say's I killed a bear with my bare hand's. Newman say's I wrestled 2 adult croc's gouged both their eyes out & killed them both. Chuck Norris just sat there saying nothing, poking the fire with his c0ck. |
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The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It
You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton. |
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll Make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!' |
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A guy walks into a Chinese trading shop, looks around and sees a bronze rat. He looks at it closely and asks the clerk "how much?"
The clerk replies, "$50 for the rat and $500 for the story behind it." The guy laughs and says "I'll take the rat but you can keep your story." As he's walking along a bunch of rats come out of the buildings so the guy starts walking faster. Then rats begin to come out of the sewers and follow him. He walks faster. Before he knows it there's hundreds of thousands of rats following him. He's down at Sydney Harbour and not knowing what else to do, heaves the bronze rat into the harbour. One by one all the rats follow the bronze rat into the water and drown. About 30 minutes later the guy goes back to the trading store. "Let me guess," the clerk says, "you want the story behind the rat." "No," the guy replies, "I'm just wondering if you have any bronze lawyers." |
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lmao
throw in some bronze pollies (or red haired) ... and i'm good for $500 also |
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There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"
"He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed. The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor. With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have puppies.?" |
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