We want to share an important update with our Betfair Community users.
Over the coming months, the Betfair Community platform will be winding down. The final active day for the platform will be December 21st. From December 22nd, users will no longer be able to access the platform.
Your discussions, insights, engagement, and, most importantly, feedback have helped shape the platform and guided innovation. Your feedback continues to be important to us, and we will continue to listen via our dedicated feedback channels, as well as through product testing and innovations.
To share your feedback and experience, visit: https://support.betfair.com/app/home
Australian
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 2532 comments are related to the topic:
Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 2,532
|
By:
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and I can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer and I'll order from that."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meat loaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. Mary the cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him. He tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs into the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir. This time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "I didn't know Mary worked here." |
|
By:
Howdy, Roy. The most popular thread on the forum !
and I'll be visiting more often to try to keep it that way  A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?", he asks. "What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy. "Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket." "So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy. "Rustlin'..." |
|
By:
Little Johnny is standing on the platform at the railway station.His mother thinks he's standing a bit close to the edge so she says, "Johnny, back away from the edge before a train comes by and sucks you off."
At this Little Johnny smiles, edges a little closer and yells out, "C'mon train!" |
|
By:
Welcome TINS, all contributions are welcome
 |
|
By:
A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young
lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. ("The Horizontal Disco") Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, "Sure!" The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. "Sure, why?" "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to c@m!" |
|
By:
A professor, teaching a college sexuality class, was discussing the frequency of sex that could still be considered normal. "Many people find that sex every other week is sufficient frequency to satisfy, and that's fine. Yet others want to make love nightly, and there's nothing wrong with that either. Let's take an informal survey of this class. Don't be embarrassed. Please answer honestly. How many people here make love more than twice a week?"
A few hands shot up. "Twice a week?" A few more hands. "Weekly, on average?" Many hands. "Once every two weeks?" he continued and, "Once a month?" and "Once every several months?" and finally, "Once a year?" At this last category, one hand shot up, waving most eagerly. "Pardon my curiosity," the professor asked, "But if you only make love once a year, why are you so excited over it?" Replied the student, "Tonight's the night!" |
|
By:
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a cond0m. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full er@ction with a cond0m on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fvck him?" |
|
By:
|
|
By:
A man walks into a sperm bank and declares I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation. The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"
"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me? The nurse replied "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..." She gets on her knees and begins to blow him. "I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the lid off the jar!" |
|
By:
|
|
By:
This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond necklace. The guy asked, "Where did you get that?"
His wife replied, "I won it at bingo." The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked, "Where did you get that?" His wife replied, "I won it at bingo." The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked, "Where did you get that?" His wife replied, "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things!! Go upstairs and run my bath for me!!" His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub. The wife asked, "How come you put so little water in the tub?" He replied, "I didn't want your bingo card to get wet !" |
|
By:
roy well done
little johnny and the rat joke had me full on laughing my guts out |
|
By:
Roy was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini.
"I want to feel your breasts," he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you crazy old man," she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars" he says. "Twenty dollars? Are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts. I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS," he says. "NO! Get away from me." "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS," he says. She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he pleads. She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough.. and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money.. "Well, OK.. but only for a minute," she says. She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying, "OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.." while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answers, "OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars" |
|
By:
A woman dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!
"What was that?" she asks. "Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo". A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!" she asked anxiously. "Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings." The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "Well, if its all the same to you .....I think I'll go downstairs," says the lady. "But you shouldn't go to hell...," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!" "That's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that." |
|
By:
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mummy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his pen!s in the mummy’s vag!na. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s pen!s in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelery, my dear. Jewelery.” |
|
By:
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead p@ssy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common. |
|
By:
What women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate Australia. 9. Get a bl0w job. 8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal. 6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently. 5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem. 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks. 2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement. 1. Repeat number 9...... |
|
By:
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?" Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn't be here." Puzzled, she seeks her mum out and tells her what daddy has said. To which mum asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?" |
|
By:
Your last joke reminds me of one I heard a while back.
A mother takes her young daughter to the zoo and they come across an aroused male elephant. "What is that?" the girl asks The mother says, "um, um, that's nothing dear." And they take off. A week later the girl goes to the zoo with her father and sure enough the aroused elephant is there again. "What is that?" the girl asks "That's the elephant's penis" the father replies. "Oh," the girl says. "Mommy said it was nothing." The father replies "Yeah well your mother is spoiled." |
|
By:
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay. "What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy. "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor". |
|
By:
|
|
By:
How about a few "oldies but goodies" - jokes never go stale
A man walks into a bar one afternoon and says to the manager, "I see your sign 'Piano player needed, well I'm your man, I write all my own material so you don't even have to pay royalties." "You see the piano." said the manager, "Play me a tune." The piano player rocked out with a boogie-woogie that had the manager stomping his feet. "That was great," he said, "What do you call it?" "I call it 'Let me Fvck you in the Ass Until your Hemorrhoids Bleed!'" said the pianist. "Well," said the manager, "uh....that certainly is an unusual name for a song. Let's hear another one." The piano player played a haunting melody that brought tears to the manager's eyes it was so beautiful. "What do you call that tune?" said the manager. "I call it 'Open your Mouth Wide and Swallow it ALL When I Come.'" said the pianist. The manager replied, "Your playing is great, and I'd like to hire you, but would you be terribly offended if I asked you not to announce the titles to your compositions?" "Not at all," replied the pianist, "You pay, I'll play." That evening, the crowd went wild when the piano player did his first set. When they finally let him take a break, he rushed to the john for a long overdue piss. On the way out, one of the patrons button-holed him and said, "Wow! you play great. But tell me, do you know your fly's open and your junk is hanging out?" "Know it?" the pianist smiled "HELL...I wrote it!" ___ A young man walks into a bar and notices two lovely young blond women sitting down. He tells the bartender: "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink." But the bartender gives him a funny look and answers, "I'm not so sure that is a good idea. You see they're lesbians." "Sorry Mr. Bartender, but I don't know what you're talking about." So the bartender responds, "Why don't you go over there and ask them?" So the young man walked over to the women and says, "I hear you are lesbians, what does that mean?" One turns to the other and answers politely, "we'll we like to kiss, suck each others tits, and lick each others p*ssies" Upon hearing that the young man yells to the bartender, "Hey get three drinks here for us lesbians!" ___ A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but the she shouldn't do it because it's not proper. Sure enough, after a couple of months during sex her husband asks her to turn over. “No, my father said I don’t have to do this and I don't want to.” Her husband looks at her shocked and says "you mean you don't want to have children?" ______ A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went. In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time". The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." |
|
By:
Roy went to the doctor's the other day and found out his new doctor is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous!
He was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can." Roy said "I think my c0ck tastes funny" |
|
By:
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. ' 2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?' 1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!' 2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!' 1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?' 2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!' 3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.' 1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?' 3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no d!ck ! |
|
By:
|
|
By:
An Aborigine was driving along the road when he suddenly noticed that one of his rear tyres had gone flat.
With a sigh and a curse he pulled over, got out the car jack and wheel brace and started undoing the nuts on the wheel. Just after he started, a Subaru going along at high speed stopped in front of his car, brakes squealing. Out hops a big Maori carrying a softball bat. The Maori proceeds to smash the side window of the Aborigine's car. The Aborigine jumps up and starts yelling "What the fvck are you doing ?" The Maori says "Aw come on bro, if you’re taking the wheels, at least let me have the CD Player!" |
|
By:
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!' The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him" |
|
By:
best joke yet Roy-boy... |
|
By:
For some time many of us have wondered who is 'Jack ****'? Jack **** is the only son of Awe **** who married O ****, the owners of Knee Deep in **** Inc. In turn Jack **** married No ****. The couple had 6 children: Holy ****, Giva ****, Fulla ****, Bull ****, the twins Deep **** & Dip ****. Deep **** married Dumb ****, a high school dropout. After 15 years, Jack & No **** got divorced & she married Ted Sherlock & became No **** Sherlock...
|
|
By:
Whats the punchline
 xxxxx |
|
By:
Did you hear the one about the "Ozzie Rugby Team" ? [:x]
|
|
By:
My driving instructor went mental when I hit 180 going down the motorway the wrong way.
He shouted "Just take the fooking dart board off the dash and concentrate on the road before you get us both killed! |
|
By:
|
|
By:
There was a fat guy, a rich guy, and a gay guy walking down the road when out of no where, WHAM! They were hit by a drunk driver.
They go up to heaven and god explains that it really isn't there time yet and agrees to let them go back to earth under one condition, they all have to give up the thing they love most. So there back on earth walking down the street and the drunk driver never comes by. They then continue walking, happy to be granted a second chance, when they come across this restaurant with a huge bowl of spaghetti in the window and the fat guy runs in and immediately starts eating...POOF! He's gone... The rich guy and the gay guy look at each other and say guess he couldn't give up the thing he loved most... So as they continue walking down the road and the rich guy see's a dollar coin on the ground. He bends down to pick it up and POOF! The gay guy is gone... |
|
By:
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?" TheIndian replies, "Ear sticky". |
|
By:
One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mum bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny'S dad saw him gave a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished, Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her......... Dad yelled, 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??!!??' LIttle Johnny replied, 'IT'S NOT SO FUNNY WHEN IT'S YOUR MUM, IS IT??!!!' |
|
By:
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start." |
|
By:
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.' The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.' The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.' The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .What about your son?' The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.' |
|
By:
Reminds me of the old joke where 3 women are on the beach talking about their sons.
The first woman says "My son is a priest and whenever anyone sees him they call him father." The second woman says "My son is a big shot in the Roman Catholic church and whenever anyone sees him they call him your eminence." The 3rd says "my son is a 6'2" bodybuilder who strips for a living. And whenever he removes his clothes to strip the women all say "oh my God."" |
|
By:
(:) Colon
(;) Semicolon (O) Colonoscopy |