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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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An old woman walks into her doctor's office:
"Doctor, I have a problem that's a bit embarrassing. I can't stop passing gas. I seem to fart constantly. Fortunately it has no smell and I know this because whenever I apologize around my friends they say "don't worry dear, we didn't smell a thing". In fact believe it or not since I've been in this office I've passed gas 5 times." The doctor replies "I think I know what your problem is." He hands her a bottle of pills and explains to her to take it twice a day and come back to see him in a week. A week later she comes back to the doctor's office: "Doctor, those pills you gave me were totally useless. I'm still passing gas as much as ever only now it has the most vile, disgusting, horrendous odour I've every experienced." "Good," the doctor replies. "Now that your sinuses are clear we'll work on your hearing." |
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Two Al Qaeda mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear'' says the other. ''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.'' ''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other. ''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school'' ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . "They blow up so fast, don't they?" |
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Yikes!
Well for a little less politically incorrect joke An Australian guy is lying on the beach at Surfer's Paradise when an old woman turns to him and says "are you British?" "No," the guy answers "I'm not British." A couple of seconds later she turns to him and says "are you British?" Again he says "I'm not British." A bit later she turns to him and says "So you're British." He says "for crying out lady, for the last time I'm not British." A few seconds later she says "you're British?" The frustrated guy says "you know what if it makes you happy for me to say I'm British, then I'm British. Ok there you go I'm British." "Funny," the woman answers "you don't look British." |
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One morning Roy the milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room.
The housewife explained that she'd had a party then night before in which the company played "Who's Whose" - each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity. "Gee, that sounds like fun," said Roy. "Sure wish I'd been there." "You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times. |
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Along the same lines Roy.
The mailman is making his last rounds before retirement and he comes to the door of the prettiest woman on his route. She's standing there in a see through negligee and gestures for him to come in. She leads him upstairs where she gets undressed, removes his clothes and then screws his brains out. The guy is pleasantly surprised and she says "I've got another surprise for you" and leads him to the kitchen where he makes him a batch of pancakes and some coffee. As he's eating he notices a dollar coin on the table in front of his spot. "This was a wonderful surprise," he says to the woman. "But what's the dollar coin for?" The woman answers "Well, I told my husband yesterday that you were retiring and this was going to be your last day and I was wondering what to get you as a retirement gift. He said 'f*ck him, give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea." |
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A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
"Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "What do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!" |
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A young Italian girl is forced to get married and really regrets the wedding night since she'd never seen her husband naked before and she herself is a virgin. Anyways as is customary in Italian weddings after the couple say their I dos they head up to the hotel room to consummate the marriage.
He takes off his shirt and has a lot of hair on his back so the girl runs out of the room and back to her mother at the reception. "Mama, he's got a hairy back." "That no matter," the mother answers, "you go back up and a please your man." So she heads back to the room. He takes off his pants and he has a big scar on his leg so again she runs to her mother. "Mama he's got a big a scar all over his leg." "That no matter," the mother answers, "you go back up and a please your man." So she heads back to the room. He then takes off his shoes and one of his feet is clubbed and cut off at toes so again she runs to her mother. "Mama he's got a foot and a half." "Ok," the mother answers, "you stay here. I'll go and a please your man." |
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A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."
The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?" The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!" The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?" She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His d!ck is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, it feels good!" |
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A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!" |
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An old man walks into a confessional box
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. You know that beautiful young woman Jessica Myers that works at the bakery? The one with the 36-42-36 figure? I'm sleeping with her." The priest responds. "I know you Mr. Zucker. You're an extremely important man in this town. Your rich and you employ a lot of people at your bakery. But I also happen to know that you're Jewish. What in the world are you telling me for?" "Are you kidding?" Zucker replies "I'm telling everybody!" |
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While in China an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with green and orange spots. Frightened, he rushes to see his doctor.
Never having seen anything like it before, the doctor orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I hate to tell you this but you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in America. We know very little about it except that there is no cure. The only option is to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror and demands a second opinion. So the doctor suggests he see a Chinese doctor who would know more about it but again he insists that amputation is the only option. The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor who examines him and says. "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease in America." The guy replies "Yes, I already know that, but what can be done? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Amewican docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!" "Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims. "Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "Wait three week. Faw off by itself!" |
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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Brisbane!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlies says, "I just got into Brisbane." "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously m@sturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Brisbane!" |
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A couple decided to go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for the fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said "Here put your hands between my thighs to warm them".
So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him "Put your hands between my thighs to warm them". So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?" |
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The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job but then get the hell out of here." |
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Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God signed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, streams, hills, and forests. The people from Australia are going to be good looking, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see who I put in the outback." |
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As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult.
Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch. Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!" Husband: "Guess who?" Wife: "I know who it is!" Husband: "Guess what I want?" Wife: "I know what you want!" Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?" |
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Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted. |
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Three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher comes by.
The flasher stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat. The first old lady had a stroke. Then the second old lady had a stroke. But, the third old lady had arthritis and couldn't reach that far. |
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There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting.
He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofab!tch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofab!tch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofab!tch can drive"... then spit. A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofab!tch can drive, then you spit." "Well," says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So, I say sure, why not? He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We're going faster and faster, and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!! We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler truck right on our butts, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turned to him and said, "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn bl0wj0b you've ever had!" He paused ... then spat. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A B!TCH CAN **DRIVE**!!" |
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It's Roy's first day in the carpool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him.
He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the snatch, runs back down the walk and hops in the car. They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Lazza, the driver, can't stand it. Lazza asks, "Roy, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?" Roy says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning..." |
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Yesterday John Edwards passed away at the age of 102. Edwards was recently asked in an interview what he attributed to his long life and he replied:
"Well every morning I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and before I eat it I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it. I believe the gunpowder keeps me young and vibrant." Edwards leaves behind seven children, twenty one grandchildren, eighteen great-grandchildren, and a fifteen foot hole in the side of the crematorium. |
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One day this redneck father is sitting on his doorstep, shotgun in hand, while his 3 daughters await their dates.
The first boy comes running up the steps. "Hi I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going for Spaghetti. Is she ready?" The father figures this guy is harmless so he yells inside "Betty your date's here". And the two head off to dinner. A bit later a boy comes running up the steps. "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" Again the father figures this guy is harmless so he yells inside "Florence your date's here". And the two head off to the movies. A bit later a boy comes running up the steps. "Hi I'm Chuck." BLAM! |
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The FBI have announced that once again the annual witness protection parade had to be cancelled due to lack of interest.
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Two cats had a race across the English Channel. One cat was British and the other French.
The British cat was named one two three. The French cat was named une deux trois Which cat won? Answer: The British cat. Why? une deux trois cat sank |
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A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything. The heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc.
His wife is getting tired of his depressing talk, so she says to him: "One more complaint and I'll cut your pen!s off with my pen-knife". About half an hour later, he starts complaining again and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's d!ck off, and throws it out the window. Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three : husband, wife, and 8 year old daughter. The pen!s lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the pen!s), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the d!ck off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter). The observant daughter asks, "Daddy, what was that?" Her father, still in a panic, says, "Oh, it was only a . . . uh . . . butterfly". "Must've been a big butterfly," replied the daughter. "Did you see the size of its d!ck?" |
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"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an er@ction either." |
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Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room. They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his pen!s and the other one had a green ring. The fellow with the red ring was examined first. In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."
Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated." Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... he said it was no big deal!" "Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big difference between gangrene and lipstick." |
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This 80 year old man and his wife were laying in bed one day. And the man gets up and starts putting on nice clothes. The woman says "Where are you going". "To the doctor to get some viagra" replies the man.
So then the woman gets up and she starts putting nice clothes on. "Where are you going" said the man. "I am going to the doctor" she said. "Why you're not sick" said the man. "Well I figured if your going to use that old rusty thing I'm going to get a tetanus shot". |
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A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a pharmacy, he asks to see the pharmacist. He comes out and the man, looking around furtively, asks sotto voce, "Do you sell VIAGRA here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do." The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?" The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, "Perhaps if you took 5 or 6 pills at once, you might." |
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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $ 1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $ 2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am." The man replies, "Well wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" |
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The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And shot with a .22 rifle." The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion," and fingering the bullet hole, said, "and the rifle was a .308" and he was right again. This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills, over and over again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?" And his wife replied angrily, "From me, of course!" "But what did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone, "Skunk, killed with an ax!" |
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house. I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a bl0w job?'.... and she's always sound asleep!" |
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A drunk guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his pen!s. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.
When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him." The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?" "No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't p!ss in your face [:(][:(][:(][:(] |
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A doctor sees one of his elderly patients walking down the street with a 25 year old blonde model.
"Holy cow John," the doctor says, "you look fabulous." John replies: "Well I'm just doing like you said doc - get a hot mama and be cheerful." The doctor shakes his head. "I said you got a heart murmur, be careful." |
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A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!" |
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An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. As he's leaving, the Russian leader tells him that in Russia they have a farewell custom called "Russian Roulette", to demonstrate one's courage. The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger....CLICK...empty chamber.
He hands the revolver to his African guest and says," Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual.. CLICK....empty. The next year, the Russian visits the African country. As he's leaving, the African tells him that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has devised an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappears through a door, only to reappear a few minutes later smiling and says, "Your turn." The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are 6 of the most beautiful,naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose 1 of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?" The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal." |
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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'
'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!' |
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A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy.
The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?" The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband." The big guy says, "Okay fine. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick." |