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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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Sky News- Fatal shooting at nevada pancake restaurant.
The customers must of Creped themselves. |
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Just hired an Eastern European cleaner.
It took her five hours to Hoover the apt. Turns out she was a Slovak |
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Is it still too soon for specsavers to use 9/11 in an advert?
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BBC news: Hound Dog songwriter dies at 78.
Wife said to be crying all the time. |
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6/4 says Gaddafi is driving a taxi in Dublin this time next week.
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I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I get distracted easily because my head..... SHOULDERS, KNEES, AND TOES!! KNEES AND TOES!!
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I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
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So I see they have a gypsy in the new Big Brother house
Good luck trying to evict that! |
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So Heather Mills has been hacked.
I wonder if it was above or below the knee? |
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"What do we want?"
"A cure for Tourettes" "When do we want it?" "kh unts!" |
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I don't understand the hype around Carlsberg.
I found a can on a wall, and it tasted like p!ss |
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Ilikewavingatbuses, great monniker, one of the best imo. Good to see a fresh face around. Perhaps you could give this thread
a boost by recommending it to some of the overseas forumites, maybe post a link? You guys have a great sense of humour. Don't they Roy? :silly:] If I get dismembered from the forum I'm coming back as Ilikeilikewavingatbuses Cheers |
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A young couple wanted to join a church.
The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The Reverend asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain." "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." Admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the Reverend. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Bunnings either. |
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there is no spoon.... ty for the kind words!! you could be ilovewavingatbuses tho it ma get a little confusing but i havent copyrighted the name so i suppose theres nothing i can do
 how u know im 'overseas'  you are of course correct...ireland calling!! i will do my best to recruit a few of the more witty characters but i cant promise you anything! on an austrailian racing note, im hoping the wonder mare and sepoy line up next month, should be something although i know moody doesnt want a hard race for her! hard to see her losing even to an outstanding horse like sepoy!! anyway...always nice to talk to someone on the other side of the world!! all the best! |
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Next time I see someone wearing an eyepatch I'm going to ask them if it was all fun and games up to that point.
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If you watch Saw backwards, it's a truly amazing story about a man providing countless limbs to the severely disabled.
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BBC NEWS: Teenager in China sells kidney for iPad.
In other news, Steve Jobs returns to work at Apple after long term illness. |
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23 people were found stuck to the walls and ceiling of a Dublin train.
Police believe the IRA have just set off the first ever No More Nails bomb. |
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"BOING!"
Dyslexic old woman playing Bingo. |
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A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 35 kg as soon as possible due to very serious health risks.
As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 5 kg weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kg as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day / 10 kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 10 kg, as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine." |
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The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??' 'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.' |
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A nurse walks in and says, "Doc, what are you doing?"
The doctor answers, "I'm writing a prescription." She says, "But you're holding your thermometer." "Crap," the doctor replies "some **** has my pen." ___ A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest bangs on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy. There's no paper in this one, either." ___ A young couple has sex, and when they're finished, she looks in the box of condoms, and there's only six left out of twelve. She says, "What happened to the other five condoms?" He says, "I, uh, masturbated with them." That night she tells a male friend what happened, and she says, "Have you ever done that?" He says, "Of course. All the time." She says, "Really? You've jerked off into a condom?" He says, "Oh, no. I thought you were asking me if I've ever lied to my girlfriend." ___ An engaged woman, a married woman, and a mistress decide that one night they're going to wear S&M-style leather, stilettos, and a mask over their eyes, and see what happens with their partners. When they meet a few days later, the engaged woman says, "Last night, when my boyfriend came home, I was wearing the leather, the stilettos, and the mask, he said, 'Wow...you're incredible. I love you,' and we made love all night long." The mistress says, "Last night, when we met in his office, I was wearing leather, stilettos, a mask over my eyes, and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. He just grabbed me and we had wild sex all night." The married woman says, "Last night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, and then got myself into the leather, the stilettos, and the mask. My husband walked in from work, grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator and the remote control and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?' " ____ John says to Harold, "I learned an important life lesson today. I'm getting married in a few weeks, and I went over to my fiancee's house to look at the wedding invitations. She wasn't home, so her mother sat me down to show them to me. And her mother's sexy as hell. As we were looking at the invitations, she started rubbing my leg. Then she worked her way slowly up to the tops of my thighs, and after she knew damn well I had a raging hard-on, she asked me if I'd take her upstairs and **** her. I got up and left. As I walked out the front door, her father was standing there, and he said, 'You passed our little test, son. Glad to have you in the family.'" Harold says, "So what's the life lesson?" John replies, "Always keep your rubbers in the glove compartment." __ |
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The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.' The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your fvcking bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!' |
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A vicar books into a hotel and says to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she says, "it's just regular porn ...................You sick bastard." |
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks. The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. |
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Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma.
Ma said "what was that for?" Pa said "for forty years of bad sex." Ma said "oh" and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said "what was that for?" Ma said "for knowing the difference." |
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Howdy stranger
 JOD Thread fighting like a caged lion! That Wombledude  he must know he's in dangerKeep punchin, Roy !! YOU HAVE FRIENDS  |
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Tarzan was swinging through the jungle on a vine one day when he sees a lovely lady ahead..so he swings from above down to her and says as he beats his chest "ME TARZAN!"
to which she replies "ME JANE!" Tarzan then says "what whole name?" Jane replies "****" |
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cu....t
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Dear Facebook, please stop fooking with the page layout you shower of kh nts.
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This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."
"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off." |
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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me." "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead." "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goin a have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"? Eh ! " |
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First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together.
She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot, then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. He pulls up to her house, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation. The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly pissed that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each others company and playing a tight competitive round of golf. Again she beats him at the last hole, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation. This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't figure out what the fuss is about, but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats. "You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the women's tees all week!!" |
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On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body.
She said, "I can't wear your pants." "That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family." The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on. "No way. I can't get into your panties." he said. "That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your attitude." she said and smiled. |
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i resigned from my role in the helium factory. i wont be spoken to in that tone
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A policeman stopped to arrest these two for having sex, a hooker and a truck driver.
Three hillbillies were walking by and the patrolman said; “You are witnesses and you will have to appear in court” The judge asked the first witness what had happened. He said "they were fvcking". The judge said, "you can't swear in my court 10 dollars will be the fine". So he asked the next witness. "What did you see?" "Well, I saw the same thing, they were fvcking!" The judge said "You will also be fined 10 dollars." So he asked the third witness what did he see ? "Well judge I saw 10 toes up 10 toes down, two bare asses going around and around, 6 inch's out 6 inch's in. If that ain't fvcking here's my 10". |
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The 7 dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the dark distance a voice screams out "Collingwood are good enough to win the Premiership Cup."
Snow White says "Thank God - at least Dopey's still alive!" |