A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign "$1,000 to the first person who can complete the challenge."

He says to the bartender "what's the challenge?"

The bartender replies "you have to drink a glass of tobasco sauce followed by 3 shots of tequila. You then have to go to the back and there's a lion there who has a sore rotted tooth that needs to be removed. Once you remove that you have to head upstairs and have sex with the 60 year old virgin who will fight you tooth and nail."

The guy laughs and says "whatever." But after a few drinks he grabs the bottle of tobasco sauce and pours out a glass which he drinks. He then grabs 3 tequila shots and gulps them down 1 by 1. Then he heads to the back alley and you hear growling and screaming from both the lion and the guy and more growling followed by wimpering.

The guy walks back into the bar, shirt ripped, hair mussed and scratched to pieces.
"Ok," he says to the bartender "now where's that lady with the bad tooth?"

An Australian woman tells her mother that she's divorcing her husband. The mother is absolutely flbergasted
"Why in the world are you divorcing Mel for? He's a wonderful man. He's handsome, he's smart, he's rich, he's Australian. What in the world could be so bad?"

"Well this is embarrassing," the daughter answers "but Mel will only have anal sex. He won't even think of having conventional sex. In fact when we first started going out my **** was smaller than a five cent coin. But now it's as big as as a 50 cent piece."

The mother just looks at her daughter in horror "So for 45 cents you're going to cause trouble????"

lol that is great luv it hehehehe

Mrs. Favale gets out of the shower, slips, and falls so hard that a vacuum's created in her **** when she lands spread-eagled on the floor, and she gets stuck. Her husband tries to lift her up but she won't budge. Favale pushes her shoulders back and forth, but it's like she's glued there. He goes next door and gets the neighbor, and both of them pull like oxen, but she just won't budge.
The neighbor says, "I'll go and get my hammer and we'll bust up the tiles up around her thighs, that'll break the suction, and then we can lift her up."
Favale says, "That's a good idea. But first let me twist her nipples a little and get her aroused."
The neighbor says, "Why in hell would you do that?"
Favale says, "I want to get her lubed up so we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper."

One more..

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says,
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," the doctor answers, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself and wanted you to know she was thinking of you."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked.
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife.

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,

"Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends"

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking
the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room goes
silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, "Okay."

"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the
groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?!" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"

A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents.

That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife. "Tony, listen!" she whispered.

He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.

The wife said, "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!" So Tony climbed on top of his wife, and pounded the old bone home.

As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's make love again!"

Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and screwed her as hard as he could.

As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's do it again!"

So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he shouted,

"Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man down here!"

A man returns home a day early from a business trip, gets into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while on route to his home, asks the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspects his wife is having an affair, and likely will catch her in the act.

The driver agrees. They both tiptoe into the bedroom, turn on the lights, pull back the blanket and sure enough find the wife in bed with another man. The husband gets his gun from the drawer and points it at the man's head.

The wife starts crying and shouts.

"Don't do it. I've been lying to you all this time. Remember when our car broke down and we didn't have the money to fix it. And remember the next day I said I won a new car in a raffle. The truth is that this man heard about our plight and bought the new car for us and never asked for repayment."

"And remember when you lost your job and we were going to lose our house but I miraculously said I won $10,000 in the lottery and that allowed us to make the mortgage payments for the rest of the year? The truth is that this man gave me the money and said I didn't have to worry about ever repaying him."

"And remember when you had the heart attack and the hospital demanded $15,000 or they were sending you to a free clinic? And remember I told you that the hospital administrator was nice enough to wave the charge. The truth is that this man gave me the $15,000 for the hospital fee and never asked for a cent back."

The husband, looks over at the cab driver with hand trembling and says, "What do you think I should do?"

The cabbie replies, "I'd cover him up before he catches a cold."

a bit like the guy who asks the girl if she would f@ck him for a million bucks

and she says yes

then he asks if she would do it for a tenner

and she says 'no way what do you think i am'

he says "we've already established what you are ... now we're just negotiating a price"

A rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a Gentile sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat, and then returns it to the rabbi.

"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the rabbi. "Thank you very much." The rabbi then places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the rabbi! This must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the racetrack, and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.

In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1, so he bets it all and this horse also comes in first.

Finally, at the end of the day he returns home to his wife. When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught the rabbi's hat and was blessed by him, and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.

"So where's the money?" she asks.

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."

"You fool! Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!"

"It doesn't matter," he said. "The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke."

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin."

The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

One more..

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking comes from the other end of the line. The husband yells "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast is clear."

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your ****. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?", the doctor asks.

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass"

One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you f*cking ****!"

Later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do."

The priest answers "Well, have you tried smacking them?"

The mother replies "No. Doesn't the church look down on that?"

The priest answers "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception."

The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "just gimme some f*cking waffles."

The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet.

His mother looks at Timmy and says sternley "what would you like for breakfast?"

A little frightened Timmy answers "well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no f*cking waffles!"

A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in.
"Get a load of her" said the mouse, "what a babe!" "Well, why not try your luck?" replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and into the night.

The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?"

The mouse replied, "Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!"

"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asked the lion.

"Well" said the mouse, "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a
thousand miles!"

A first-grade  teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one  of her students.
The teacher  asked, 'Trevor, what's  your problem?'

Trevor  answered,'I'm too  smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd  grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I  should be in the 3rd grade  too!'

Ms. Brooks had  had enough.
She took Trevor to the  principal's office.

While Trevor  waited in the outer office, the teacher  explained to the principal what the situation  was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give  the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of  his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade  and behave. She agreed.
Trevor was  brought in and the conditions were explained to  him and he agreed to take the  test.

Principal: 'What is 3  x 3?'

Trevor  : '9.'

Principal: 'What  is 6 x 6?'

Trevor  : '36.'

And so it went  with every question the principal thought a 3rd  grader should know.
The principal looks  at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think  Trevor can go to the  3rd grade.'

Ms.  Brooks says to the  principal, 'Let  me ask him some  questions.'

The principal  and Trevor both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks  asks, 'What  does a cow have four of that I have only two  of?'

Trevor,   after a  moment: 'Legs.'

Ms  Brooks: 'What is  in your pants that you have but I do not  have?'

The principal  wondered why would she ask such a  question!

Trevor  replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms.Brooks: 'What  does a dog do that a man steps  into?'

Trevor  : 'Pants.'

Ms.Brooks: What  starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,  delicious and contains thin, whitish  liquid?'

Trevor: 'Coconut.'

The principal  sat forward with his mouth hanging  open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What  goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and  sticky?'
The principal's eyes  opened really wide and before he could stop the  answer, Trevor   replied, 'Bubble  gum.'

Ms.  Brooks: 'What  does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting  down and a dog does on three  legs?'

Trevor  : 'Shake  hands.'

The principal  was trembling.

Ms.Brooks:'What  word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that  means a lot of heat and  excitement?'

Trevor  : 'Firetruck.'

The principal  breathed a sigh of relief and told the  teacher,
'Put  Trevor in the  fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions  wrong.....'

An Australian, a New Zealander and an American are working together on a construction site. They take time out for lunch on the scaffold and the Australian opens up his lunch and yells. "Not a vegemite sandwich again. I'm sick of vegemite. If I get another vegemite sandwich again tomorrow I'm jumping off this scaffold."

The New Zealander then opens up his lunch. "Not an egg salad sandwich again. I'm sick of egg salad. If I get an egg salad sandwich again tomorrow I'm jumping off this scaffold.

Then the American opens up his lunch. "I can't believe it a bologna sandwich again. If I open up my lunch tomorrow and there's a bologna sandwich I'm jumping off this scaffold."

The next day the Australian opens his lunch and it's vegemite. He says "that's it" and jumps off the scaffold. Next the New Zealander opens his lunch and seeing an egg salad sandwich jumps off the scaffold. Finally the American opens up his lunch to reveal a bologna sandwich and jumps off the scaffold.

As the 3 wives meet at the hospital they start crying.
"I thought he loved vegemite," the Australian's wife said. "He only needed to ask and I would have made something different."

The New Zealander wife replies "I thought he only wanted egg salad. I too would have made something different had he only asked."

They turn to the American's wife who says "Hey don't look at me. He makes his own lunches."