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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said 'During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.' (The crowd cheered). The second lady from Russia , stood up and said, 'After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered). The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia , stood up and said, 'Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued. 'Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye.' |
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The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said 'During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.' (The crowd cheered). The second lady from Russia , stood up and said, 'After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered). The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia , stood up and said, 'Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued. 'Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye.' |
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The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said 'During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.' (The crowd cheered). The second lady from Russia , stood up and said, 'After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered). The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia , stood up and said, 'Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued. 'Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye.' |
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dead set that was worth posting 3 times....
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"Capital letters"
The difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse. |
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lol that is great love it
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A typical Aussie bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. That is, until the ship sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.' 'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the Island , a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned. 'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the Man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes... He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes..... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Racing? |
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Bruce took his missus Sheila to the Ekka in Brissie and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." Sheila playfully nudged Bruce in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." Sheila gave Bruce a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." Sheila, so excited that her elbow nearly broke Bruce's ribs, said, that's once a day, you could REALLY learn something from this one." Bruce looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if all those times it was with the same old cow." |
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Forget joke of the day, here I will give you the joke of the decade.....
http://community.betfair.com/general_betting/go/thread/view/94082/27937725/changes-to-the-premium-charge Changes to the Premium Charge Betfair Customer Services 28 Jun 11 13:30 Joined: 22 May 02 | Topic/replies: 2,181 | Blogger: Betfair Customer Services's blog From 18th July 2011 Betfair will be making some changes to the Premium Charge. The current Premium Charge mechanism will remain in place but higher rates may now apply to a small number of customers (less than 0.1% of annual active customers). Full details of the changes can now be found on the Betfair Charges page under the About Us section of the website. However, the changes can be summarised as follows: • Customers will only be subject to Premium Charges at higher rates if they satisfy all of the following conditions: o Lifetime net profits* exceed £250,000 o Lifetime commission generated less than 40% of lifetime gross profits o Bet in more than 1,000 markets • Customers that satisfy all of the above conditions will be asked to pay Premium Charges at rates between 40% and 60% on all future exchange activity. All customers that will be affected by these changes have already been contacted. For more information, please visit our FAQ section here promotions.betfair.com/pcharge/ We hope the information provided will outline why we are making these changes and how they will be implemented in practice. If you have any further questions, please send them to premiumcharge@betfair.com. *by net profits we mean the amounts won less the amounts lost, on all exchange markets, less all commission paid and Premium Charges debited. |
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Here is something that captures many aspects of the forum at the moment.
Something good that comes from England. Futility of contradiction. Ability to not take yourself too seriously. Making money by taking a differing point of view. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teMlv3ripSM |
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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?' Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.' Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?' Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.' Kiwi: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager) Dog: 'Yep' Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?' Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.' Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?' Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.' Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?' Horse: 'Cool' Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager) Horse: 'Yep' Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.' Kiwi: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?' Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……' |
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I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can." I said, "I think my c0ck tastes funny..." |
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Paddy
tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador. "Fook off !!" says Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind ??" |
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The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the Sydney Opera House in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!" Gillard replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope backhanded the b1tch! |
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Interesting piece of history.
Somewhere in the dawn of time, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. |
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." |
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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he
saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said, "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!" |
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A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a head job?" So, she obliges. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best h-j I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous........... Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......" |
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Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus , who had been a seafaring gent all his life , to bury him at sea when he died ..
Of course , in due time , he did pass away and the boys kept their promise .. They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat . After a while Mick says , ' Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out , Paddy ?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees .' Dis'll never do , Mick . Let's row some more ...' After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly , so they row on . Again Mick asks Paddy , ' Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy ?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says , ' No dis ll neva do .' The water was only up to his chest .. So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears ... Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath .. ' Well is it deep enuff yet , Paddy ?' 'Aye 'tis , NOW hand me dat shovel ..' |
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Julia Gillard was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'. A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'Incorrect,' said Gillard. 'That would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not',explained Gillard, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Rudd and Mr. Swan and Mr. Garrett was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic' exclaimed Gillard, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f##king accident either!' |
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The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration...
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles...' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need.... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure...' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache..' |
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The Irish have solved their fuel problems.
They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil. |
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mafia godfather & the lawyer =
the irish fuel a good laugh too |
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There's a very tall man and a really small bloke in an elevator which gets stuck. The little man looks up a the tall guy who smirks and says "7 feet tall, 14 inch penis. 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints and the Turner Brown begins slapping the small guy back to consciousness. Finally he comes to. "What's wrong with you?" the Turner asks. "What did you say before I passed out?" the little guy answers. Again the big guy puffs out his chest and says "7 feet tall, 14 inch penis. 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." "OH THANK GOD," the little guy answers, "I thought you said turn around." |
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A teacher wants to see how good the kids in her new spelling class are so she asks each to say what their father does for a living, give an example and and spell the profession.
The first kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. If father was here today he'd make all the kids in the class some delicious cupcakes." "Very good," the teacher replies and she points to the second kid. The second kid answers, "My daddy's a tailor. That's t-a-i-l-o-r. If father was here now he'd take measurements of all the boys in the class and make them a nice suit." "Very good," the teacher says and she points to the third kid. "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh, e-l-e-x...uh.... that's e-c-l, um no." Teacher teacher interrupts, "That's okay, Rayford. Electrician is a very difficult word. Think about it and try to come up with the correct spelling by the end of class." Turning to little Johnny, she says, "You're next, Johnny." Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e, and if my father was here now he'd offer twenty to one odds that Rayford won't spell electrician right before class ends." |
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cheers harter, turner =
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A young jockey and his stable hand girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' 'No thanks says the jockey I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'
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The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse's mouth just as a steward walked by. "What was that?" inquired the steward. "Oh nothing" said the trainer, "just a mintie". He offered one to the steward and had one himself. After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions "Just keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me".
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A blond, a brunette and a redhead are sitting at their obstetrician's office when the blonde says to the Brunette
"Do you know what sex your baby is going to be?" "Yes," replies the brunette, "it's going to be a boy." "How do you know?" the blond answers "Well," says the brunette "we worked it out and the evening we conceived my husband was on top. And when the man is on top you have a boy." "I see," the blond answers. She then asks the redhead the same question and the redhead replies "I'm going to have a girl." "How do you know?" the blond answers "Well," says the redhead "we worked it out and the evening we conceived I was on top. And when the woman is on top you have a girl." All of a sudden the blond starts crying uncontrollably "What's wrong?" the other 2 ask and the blond replies "I'm going to have a puppy." |
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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. I can't believe it, says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in 62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too! Let's have another drink to St. Mary's" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are just drunk again." |
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Here are 3 short ones.
A guy walks into a doctor's office with a carrot in each nostril, a breadstick in one ear and a banana in the other ear. "Doc," he says "I don't feel well. Do you know what's wrong with me?" "Yes," the doctor answers, "you're not eating right." Q: What do oral sex on a woman and talking to the mafia have in common? A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep s***. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!" |
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A woman was riding on a plane next to another man in first class. The man sneezed very hard, pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.
The woman couldn't believe what she just saw and decided she was hallucinating. A few minutes passed. The man sneezed again. He pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off. The woman was about to go nuts. She couldn't believe that such a rude person existed. A few minutes passed. The man sneezed yet again. He took his penis out and wiped the tip off. The woman finally had enough. She turned to the man and said, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replied, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such as that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then said, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?" The man looked at her, grinned and said, "Pepper, of course." |
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Welcome back Roy!
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made my day havn u back Roy. U were missed
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One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the father continues pumping the mother, as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!" cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!" |
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The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was to be direct about it. So he went up to the tallest, blondest woman at the party and said, "Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fvck?"
She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fvck!" |
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One day, a mum was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?" The dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him." |
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