A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?"

The others direct him to a large barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the day after.

Then he asks, "Can I do this every day?".

"Yes, every day, except Wednesdays".

"Why not on Wednesdays?"

"Wednesdays is YOUR turn to be inside the barrel!"

There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any.

Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what could he do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows **** and rub it on the bull's nose. After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over.

With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten.

He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose."

There once was a guy with a 25-inch penis. Of course he was having problems
getting any because it was simply too long. So he goes to a doctor and asks
him if there is anything he can do. The doctor says, "Well, there is a medical procedure for that but it'll cost you about $10,000."

The guy replies, "But I don't have that kind of money and I really need to
get this taken care of." So the doctor says, "Well, there is an old local
myth that says if you go down to the lake and ask a certain frog to marry
you, your penis will shrink five inches every time it says no."

Since the guy cannot possibly afford the money for the operation, he heads
down to the lake. After spending about half an hour asking every frog in
sight if it would marry him, he asks this one frog sitting on a rock, "Frog, will you marry me?"

Suddenly the frog opens it's mouth and says, "No." The guy feels something
move in his pants and when he looks down, his penis is 20 inches! 20 inches
is obviously still too big so once again the guy asks, "Frog, will you marry me?"

Once again the frog says, "No."

The guy looks down and his dick is now 15 inches. One more time and
everything will be perfect the guy thinks to himself. So one last time, he asks the frog if it will marry him.

The frog replies, "How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no!"

A guy found himself unable to satisfy his wife in bed. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to give her an 0rgasm. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice.

His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was a 100%successful. "Hire a big strong black man to stand near your bed and wave a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. Your wife is sure to have an 0rgasm."

The guy hired the strong man, hopped into bed, and while the huge black guy waved the towel, he made hot monkey love to his wife. But all his efforts were in vain. No 0rgasm.

He went back to his friend and told him what had happened. His friend suggested that the husband and the big guy switch places. "Why don't you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in bed". The husband agreed and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife.

The husband hired the same guy again and this time they traded places. The strong guy made wild, hot, crazy love to the man's wife while the husband stood and waved the towel.

Naturally, the wife had a divine 0rgasm.

The husband leaned over to the black guy and said proudly, "You see!
That's how you have to wave the towel."

There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first fellow did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'!"

A man was coming up the walk on his way to visit his grandparents when he spotted his Grandfather sitting in a rocking chair on the porch, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing ?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. So your grandma suggested I go sit out here with my pants off."

A couple are sitting at home on the veranda having drinks and she says, "I love you."

He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me............. talking to the wine."

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog, and it said, 'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.'

"So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, 'You now have 3 wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, 'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzennegger.' She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

"She then asked, 'What will be your second wish?' I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, 'I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!

"Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, 'You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?' I looked at her and replied, 'How about a little head?' "

b l o w ?

When I was in primary school, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

At university, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts.

A young lady had just visited her doctor and was informed she was pregnant. She had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus on her way home, she felt she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to tell.

"Sir," she said. "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll burst." She told him what the doctor had told her and how long she had waited for the event.

The man shared her enthusiasm, then he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer. "I use to have trouble with the hens laying fertilized eggs. But one day I went out to the hen house and checked the eggs the hens had laid. All were fertilized."

"What changed that made them all fertilized?" the young lady asked.

"Simple. I changed c0cks!"

"Confidentially," the newly pregnant woman responded, "So did I."

A rubbish collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. 
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look
about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually an Asian man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Asian.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. 
"I bin on toiret," explains the Asian, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Asian, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me.
Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"
"OK, OK." replies the Asian with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing three-hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the pen!s.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the pen!s," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous day's events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?"

"Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. It might put them on the same sexual level, he thought. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too."

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, mom forgot until the last minute.

She dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding, the bride and groom entered their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" She exclaimed.

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargement. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, "Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger boobies."

She did this every day faithfully and after several months--it worked! She grew great boobs!

One night she went to a party, got trashed, and went home with some strange guy. In the morning when she woke up, she didn't know where she was, he had left, so she took a shower then went outside looking for transportation.

She found a bus stop and in short order, a bus with a destination to the city pulled up. On the bus she realized that she had forgotten to do her morning ritual. By now, she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

Roy,

I have enjoyed reading these jokes over the past few months.

Well done and much appreciated.

cheers.

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a sample of Viagra, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip the tablet into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does.

About a week later she's back to see the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great, I put it in the potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize the pills were that strong. I'm sure my insurance will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway."