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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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yeah rushinpulse exaggerates too , he said he rode Archer in trackwork prior to his 1st win......................LIAR!!!!
it was the second cup he rode it in trackwork FFS |
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duped again
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While swimming in the nude at a deserted beach, the young man sustained a painful sunburn over his body. Later that night, while in bed with his date, he found the agony unbearable and so stepped into the kitchen to pour a tall glass of cold milk and submerged the object of his greatest discomfort.
"My God!" the girl gasped, watching him from the doorway. "I've always wondered how men load that thing!" |
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A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know ****?" She went back to reading her book, and the congressman had nothing else to say the rest of the flight. |
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A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?' I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. A MAN'S POEM: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge b00bs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh!t. Amen |
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The chick with the deep cleavage said, "Doctor, I believe I'm losing my mind ... I can't remember anything over five minutes!" And the doctor answered, "Take off your clothes, miss, and lie down ..."
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The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the panic-striken mother, "My child has swollen a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out of the door, the telephone rang again. "You don't have to come over, after all," the woman bubbled. "My husband just found another one." |
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A HUSBAND AND WIFE ARE SHOPPING IN
THEIR LOCAL WAL-MART. THE HUSBAND PICKS UP A CASE OF BUDWEISER AND PUTS IT IN THEIR CART. “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?” ASKS THE WIFE. “THEY'RE ON SALE, ONLY $10 FOR 24 CANS” HE REPLIES. “PUT THEM BACK, WE CAN'T AFFORD THEM” DEMANDS THE WIFE, AND SO THEY CARRY ON SHOPPING. A FEW AISLES FURTHER ON ALONG THE WOMAN PICKS UP A $20 JAR OF FACE CREAM AND PUTS IT IN THE BASKET. “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?” ASKS THE HUSBAND. “IT’S MY FACE CREAM. IT MAKES ME LOOK BEAUTIFUL,” REPLIES THE WIFE. HER HUSBAND RETORTS: “SO DOES 24 CANS OF BUDWEISER AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE.” HE NEVER KNEW WHAT HIT HIM. |
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My wife likes to talk on the phone while having sex.
She called me from Sydney last night. |
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A famous sociologist was giving a talk to the packed audience in the local town hall. He said that studies conducted independently by separate medical groups had shown beyond any shadow of doubt that there was a definite relationship betwen the level of happiness and the frequencies of sex.
To proof his point, he addressed the audience, "How many of you have sex at least three times a week?" a very large portion of the audience put up their hands. They smiled widely and appeared contented and happy. Next, he asked, "How many of you have sex once a week?". There were still a number of hands but the smiles were less wide. He then asked, "How many of you have sex two or three times a month?" There were very few hands and there were no smiles. Finaly, he asked, "How many of you have sex once a month?" "Here! Here!" one lone guy at the back stood up and shouted to get the sociologist's attention. "And why, may I ask, are you so happy?" "It's tonight! It's tonight!" he said excitedly. |
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Brad, the sperm lived in the body of a young man, and being the athletic type, he did quite a bit of exercise and was not surprisingly the strongest of the lot in the young man's body.
One evening they were put on Red Alert. Then, bingo! They were off. Brad, was swimming ahead of the rest of the bunch when suddenly he turned sharply, and shouted at them, "Go back! Go back! It's a bl0w job!" |
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Roy--not that im one to complain
but--your scraping the bottom of the barrell with the sperm joke--Thats older than the pyrimads |
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I know but it hadn't been posted in this thread, so its fair game to include..
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ok--Roy-boy-Ill give you the benefit of the doubt--Umpires sight was impeded....
--Just dont let it happen again...  |
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A fidgety man was sitting in the psychiatrist's office. The nurse brought in his records, then told the doctor, "His name is Rockville but he insists he is Napoleon Bonaparte."
The psychiatrist nobbed, turned to the man and said, "What can I do for you, sir?" "What can you do for me?" the man said, "I have the most powerful armies in Europe, I have wealth beyond counting, and my palace is the most beautiful in the world." "Then why are you here?" the shrink asked. "It's my wife," the man said. "She's got this problem. She insists that her name is Mrs. Rockville. |
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There's this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem is that he hasn't scored any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't got any action.
Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a quicky? I'll give you 20 bucks!" She says "Sounds good, let's go." They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay, they head for the bedroom. He's loving the sex, and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman, maybe she's a virgin. After the whole performance, he rolls off of her and says "Wow! Lady if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks" Surprised, she says "If I had of known you were actually going to get a boner then I would have taken my stockings off!!" |
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A judge found himself presiding over a divorce suit brought by Mickey Mouse against Minnie Mouse.
"Mr Mouse," explained the judge after reviewing the suit, "You can't divorce your wife just because you claim she is crazy." "I didn't say she was crazy," replied Mickey, "I said she was f@ckin' Goofy!" |
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A tough looking red neck was driving his truck through the mountains, when he see's a girl about to jump off a bridge. So he pulls over and stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity to prove he was a classy trucker. So he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a bl0wjob?" So, she does. After she's finished, the red neck trucker says, Gosh Darn! "Wow! That was the best bl0wjob I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." |
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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "F@ck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." |
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After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. "P!ss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, screw him," said the husband. "I did, and you got back your job this morning." |
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A guy was on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel. When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says "Try our Oriental Massage".
So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage. He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny. She told him to turn over and when he does she sees him "standing to attention". So she giggles and says "Ahh, you want wanky!" So he says "Oooh, yes!" So she runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says "You finished yet?" |
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On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?" |
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On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance." |
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An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!'' Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!'' *click* *BANG* Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?'' |
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An airplane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a stewardess.
He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess' head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place." But the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering in a lavatory, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the flight attendant what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir, that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your bl0wjobs." |
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Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before." "Like what?" Ted said. "All twisted like a pig's tail," Ed said. "Well, what's yours like?" Ted said. "Straight, like normal," Ed said. "I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Ted said. "Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal." "F@ck," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing it." |
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A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!" "Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh really, I can't," he replies "My wife loves this beard." The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she is sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh Tom, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!" |
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A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000." The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!" The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000." The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!" He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of wh0res." |
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The Swede's wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any,"she replied. The Swede immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blew up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replied, "I can't afford any on the little money you give me." Patrick reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go out and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?" She too explained, 'You dinna give me enough money to be able at affarrd any". The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.." |
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A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $30, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother." The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised. Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands, then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered. "Well .... Go ahead." The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... .tentatively said ..... "Hello. Mum, can you hear me?" |
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An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?" "Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "No," replied the man. "Do you drink in excess?" "No." replied the man. "Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" "Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life." Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?" |
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Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: Because the camels can't handle it. Q: What is the Taliban's national bird? A: Duck |
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After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witchdoctor. The witchdoctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witchdoctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witchdoctor "What happens when it's over?" The witchdoctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123," and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?" |
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A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away. Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said... "I don't wanna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!" |