Jane went to her doctor complaining of a bad back. After trying every remedy that he knew, her doctor finally said, "Tell me, Jane, how do you have sex?"
"I always have it doggy fashion", she said.
"Ah, that's it!" said the doctor. "Why don't you try having it on you back?"
"Have you ever smelled a labrador's breath?" said Jane.

"Everything's neat and tidy in there", said the gynaecologist after the examination.
"So it should be", said the lesbian. "I have a woman in 3 times a week."

Breakfast was late and husband and wife were badly hung over from a particularly wild party the night before. Bleary eyed, he said to his wife, "Was it you I made love to in the garden last night?"
"About what time?" she replied.

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he **** on you!"

"I'm thinking of leaving my husband," complained the economist's wife. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

A termite walks into a bar and asks 'Is your bartender here?'

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He  smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. 
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what had captured her attention.

He  noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied. 'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied,  'No dear.  Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The  little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well, we're not having any of that p00fter sh!t in our garden' she said.

A woman and a baby were in  the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.   
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,   
Checked her weight, saw it was a little low,
And  being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 
'Breast-fed,' she replied. 
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.   
She did. He  pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.   
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'   
I know,' she said, 'I'm her Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

"We specialise In Hygiene", said the sign at the bread shop.
The customer was delighted when she saw the baker pick up her rolls with a pair of tongs and put them in a bag.
"Untouched by human hands!", said the baker.
"Very good!" said the customer, "but tell me, what is that piece of string hanging out of your fly?"
"hygeine!", said the baker. "When I have a p!ss I pull it out with the string. My hand never touches my d!ck."
"How do you put it back?", asked the customer.
With the tongs", replied the baker.

Charles was again summoned to the bedroom by Her Ladyship. She was lying on the bed, naked.
"Charles", she asked, "do you think I've got a beautiful body?"
"Yes, Your Ladyship. I think you've got a fantastic body."
"Good, Charles", she said, "are you a good f@ck?"
"Indeed I am, Madam!", replied Charles excitedly.
"Then f@ck off. It's April Fools Day."

She went to the gynaecologist with her problem.
"Can you stop having sex with your husband for a month?" he suggested.
"Sure", she said, "I've got a couple of boyfriends who could stand in for that long."

A recent survey conducted in Australia showed that 10% of the men after making love rolled over and smoked a cigarette, another 10% got up and washed themselves while the remaining 80% dressed and went home.

The Mexican Maid.
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about
this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife increasingly agitated:"Oh he did did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth."And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora......."
"The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"

The lady went into the doctor's office and complained of pain on the knees. The doctor concluded correctly that she has been making love doggie style and suggested that she tried other positions.
"I can't," she protested, "because that's the only position my Dobberman knows!"

A medical salesman introduced a new brand of condoms, Force condoms, in a small town and persuaded the owner of the drug store to allow him to do up an arrangement in the display window as an advertising gimmick. The next day, a huge crowd gathered at the drug store, attracted by the items in the display window.
The rival drug store on the other side of the road in a counter action came up with a sign in clear bold letters displayed at its windows:
WHY USE FORCE WHEN YOU CAN USE VASELINE?

A boy arrives at school with a kittens head poking out the top of his school bag.
The teacher walks over and asks him why he has brought the cat to school.
The boy replies "Well I overheard the mailman telling my mum that after we go to school today that he is going to come around and eat her pu$$y. The cnut is chinese so I wasnt taking any chances."

When the man and wife got into bed for some lovemaking one night, instead of responding she was complaining about economic conditions of the world.
"Everything is going up," she whined. "The price of food, the cost of clothes, the beauty shop. I'd be so happy if just one thing would go down."
Came the sleepy reply, "You just got your wish."

yep, been there

A man walking along the road on his way to his local TAB saw a horse looking over a hedge. As he passed by the horse said to him, "Did you know I won the Melbourne Cup twelve years ago?"
The man was so shocked that he rushed straight into the nearest pub and ordered a large scotch, telling the barman that he'd just had a nasty shock.
"Don't tell me, that horse out there has been talking to you?" said the man.
"Yes, replied the man, amazed.
"What did he say? asked the barman.
"He told me he won the Melbourne Cup twelve years ago."
"Hmm, bloody typical. He's a liar, he was only second."