Australian
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 2532 comments are related to the topic:
Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 2,532
|
By:
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple.' The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,' explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy?' She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.' And from that moment ... we have lived happily every after. |
|
By:
Dennis: "How many legs has a rooster got, Dean?"
Dean: "Two?" Dennis: "Correct. How many ribs has a cat got?" Dean: "I've got no idea." Dennis: "So... You know all about c0cks and nothing about ****." |
|
By:
Little Johnnie was learning new words.
"Mum, what's ****?" Mother pointed at the cat and said, "That's a ****." "Mum, what's a bitch?" Mother pointed to their female dog and said, "That's a bitch." Johnnie wanted to confirm this information with his father. "Daddy!" he said excitedly, "What's a ****?" Father pulled out the centrefold of the Playboy magazine and drew a circle around the appropriate part. "Son", he said, "that's a ****." "Well, Dad, what's a bitch?" "Everything outside the circle", replied his father. |
|
By:
fk me....***** = p@ssy
|
|
By:
I thought that one whats the difference between a Vagina and a C--T
|
|
By:
England 327/8(50) - Ireland 329/7(49.1)
|
|
By:
 |
|
By:
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." "We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire round it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith, Suzie's husband." The entire congregation gasped and held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum." |
|
By:
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!' 'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!' |
|
By:
|
|
By:
Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement from, "Janet died".
The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have six words. Dougal added three more words: "Janet died, Toyota for sale". |
|
By:
|
|
By:
A pompous Englishman arrived to pick up his Australian visitor in a Rolls Royce. The Australian sat next to him in the front seat.
"I suppose, being a Colonial, you've never ridden in a Rolls Royce?", said the puffed up Pom. "Sure I have", replied the Aussie, "but never in the front!" |
|
By:
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there |
|
By:
--havent heard that one before Anal-log--very funny...Pobably cause its true.... |
|
By:
It's actually longer then that but thats the one i liked
 This is the rest of it. Its called Man v WomanNICKNAMES If Gill, Karen and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Gill, Karen and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some annoying short people living in the house.. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing |
|
By:
my existence in a nutshell
SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. |
|
By:
A married couple, in their early 60's, was celebrating their 44th wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table.
She said: 'For being such an exemplary married couple and... especially at this time, I will grant you each a wish.' 'Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my darling husband' . The fairy waved her magic wand ; and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner and TenThousand Dollars appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a minute and said: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going with my mind and not my Heart '. ' I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.' The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed. But a wish is a wish. So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and - Poof! - the husband became 92 year s old... The Moral of the story... Men who are ungrateful b@stards should remember... Fairies are Female... |
|
By:
Pat and Mick were being shaved by the barber in the barber shop. The barber started to put aftershave on Pat's face.
"Don't put that stinkin' stuff on me!" exclaimed Pat. "My wife will think I smell like a brothel!" Then it was Mick's turn. "You can put as much aftershave on me as you like. My wife doesn't know what a brothel smells like!" |
|
By:
The old couple had fallen in love at the retirement village. Eventually, he put the hard word on her.
"Oh, yes!", she said, as she hurriedly started undressing. "But I must tell you, I have acute angina." "Well that's good 'cause you've got lousy t!ts", he replied. |
|
By:
|
|
By:
Grandpa had just told them the news - he was getting engaged to a twenty five year old nymphomaniac. The family was very concerned. His eldest daughter spoke confidentially to him.
"Dad, we're most concerned that sex with a girl like that could prove fatal." "So what?", said Grandpa. "If she dies, she dies." |
|
By:
|
|
By:
Dr. Watson and Sherlock Holmes were walking through the park when they passed three women eating bananas.
"Ah", said Holmes, " I see a spinster, a prostitute and a newlywed." "Amazing, Holmes!", said Dr Watson, "How did you deduce that?" "Elementary, my dear Watson. "See how the spinster breaks the banana into small pieces before possing them into her mouth? Whilst the prostitute in the middle holds the banana in both hands." "Yes, Holmes, but how do you know the other one is newlywed?" "Well", said Holmes," she's holding the banana with one hand and thumping herself on the back of the head with the other." |
|
By:
The blonde at the next table was devouring an enormous meal.
"I'll bet her boyfriend's a taxidermist", said Bert to his wife. "What makes you think that?", she replied. "Well, can't you see he's stuffing the bird before mounting her?" |
|
By:
The eighty year old man had gone to see his doctor for pre-marriage tests.
"I'm marrying a twenty year old", he said. "Why are you doing that?", asked the doctor. "I want a son and heir. Can you give me any advice?" "Yes, get a lodger", said the doctor, smirking. A few months later, the old fellow returned to the doctor. "Is your wife pregnant yet?", queried the doctor. "Yes". "So you did take in a lodger?" "Oh yes", replied the old man, "and she's pregnant too!" |
|
By:
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
Yesterday I made love to my wife." The priest explained that there was nothing wrong with that. "But Father, I did it with lust." "That's alright", said the priest, "that was no sin." "But Father, it was in the middle of the day." "That's quite natural", replied the priest. But Father, I couldn't help myself. She leant over the deep freeze and I jumped on her. We made love on the floor. Am I banned from church?" "Of course not!." "What a relief. We've both been banned from Woolworths." |
|
By:
lmfao,banned from woolworths..love it
|
|
By:
On their first night of wedded bliss, the groom took off his trousers and asked his new bride to try them on.
"They don't fit", she said. "And never forget it!", said the husband. "In this house I wear the trousers." She continued to disrobe. She threw him her frilly knickers and said, "Put those on." He looked at the scanty briefs and said, I'll never get into these!" "You're right", she said. "And if you don't change your attitude, you never will!" |
|
By:
oldie but a goodie!!
|
|
By:
Sure is
|
|
By:
a blind man walks into a shop picks up his dog and swings it around his head, assistant comes up 'can i help you sir?', no its ok i'm just looking around.........
|
|
By:
Roy was always sent for coffee in the nudist colony. He was the only man who could carry two cups of coffee and ten donuts.
|
|
By:
She came screaming into the Police Station."This guy broke into my apartment", she said.
"He ripped off my clothes and threw me onto the floor. When I laid there, naked, he grabbed my purse and ran off." "Did you scream?", asked the Sergeant. "Of course not!" she replied. "How did I know he was going to rob me?" |
|
By:
Surely need an Irish joke for today, so here goes..
Why does an Irishman wear three condoms? To be sure, to be sure, to be sure! (pronounced in your best Irish accent of course) |
|
By:
and here I was expecting the punchline to be along the lines of 'cant be that dumb, just playing with one'.
|
|
By:
leave the jokes up to roy please shiraz
|
|
By:
Frank and Harry had been partners for many years. They had just employed a new secretary and Frank had taken her out.
"How was it?", enquired Harry. "Fantastic! And I don't mind saying, that she's far better in the cot than my wife." A couple of weeks later, Harry took the secretary out, and the following morning, he said, "You're right Frank, she is better in the cot than your wife!" |
|
By:
|
|
By:
Fred was giving his bald mate Jim a bit of a stir.
"Your head reminds me my wife's bum", he said, rubbing Jim's nude nut. "By golly, you're right", said Jim, putting his hand on his head, "it sure does." |