A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f@ck your brains out, and suck your t!ts dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

this ahs been doing the rounds and appeals to me..
It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town.

The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the
town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk,
telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in
order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked
upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay
his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his
debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at
the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his
drinks bill at the pub.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at
the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him
"services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the
hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so
the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100
note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money
and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future
with a lot more optimism.

And that, my friend, is how the bailout package works.

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Just bought a racehorse called "My Face".
It may not be that good,but I can't wait to hear all the girls  at the races yelling out
'come on my face'

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door,and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

An Indian brave rode into town one early evening, kicking up a hail of dust behind him. Very quickly he jumped from his horse and rushed into the doctor's office.
"Doc! Doc! Big chief no sh!t!" he shouted excitedly. The doctor calmed him down and handed him two tablets for his chief to take before bedtime.
"I assure you he will be all right first thing tomorrow morning, " he said.
The next evening, the same brave rode into town again with the same complaint, "Doc! Doc! Big Chief no sh!t!". This time the doctor gave him four tablets for his chief to take before bedtime.
And again, the same thing happened the following evening. The brave rushed into the doctor's office and yelled, "Big Chief no sh!t!". This time, in exasperation, the doctor pushed the whole bottle of tablets to the brave.
Yet again, the following evening saw the same brave rushing into the doctor's office. "What now?" the doctor enquired. "Big sh!t, no Chief," the brave screamed.

keep em coming roy

Todays joke of the day = AnthonyB

What are the small bumps around a woman's n!pples?
It's Brail for "suck here".

What's the difference between a blonde and a fridge?
A fridge doesn't f@rt when you take your meat out.

Jobs were hard to get but there was a vacancy at the zoo. On arrival, Pat was told that the gorilla had just died and that they wanted him to put on a gorilla suit and pretend to be a gorilla untill another one could be found.
Pat began to enjoy his job a great deal. Eating bananas, swinging from branch to branch, entertaining the spectators and laying in the sunshine.
One day, while putting on a performance for a big crowd, he swung a bit too far and landed in the lion enclosure next door. He jumped to his feet when he saw two lions growling fiercely. He ran to the bars, screaming for help. He turned round and faced the lions and one lion said, "If you don't stop that bloody screaming and shouting, we'll all lose our jobs."

Little Johnnie was at the zoo with his Mum and Dad. He had never seen an elephant before.
"What's that thing hanging between it's front legs, mum?"
"That's it's trunk."
"And what's that thing hanging between his back legs?'
Embarrassed Mum said, "That's nothing."
Johnnie wasn't happy with this answer and asked his father for confirmation.
"What's that thing hanging between his back legs, Dad?"
"That's his penis", said Dad.
"Mum said it's nothing."
"Yes, but your mother's been spoiled."

The middle aged man was suffering from stress and depression.
"Relax!", was the doctor's advise.
"Do you drink alcohol?"
"No", said the patient, "never touch it."
"There's no harm in a few glasses of wine every night", said the doctor. "Even a cigaratte. And have sex, at least once a week. The best medical journals say that sex is essential."
Two months later, the patient returned to the doctor,saying he felt much better. He enjoyed a couple of glasses of wine and a couple of cigarretes every night.
"And sex. What about sex?", asked the doctor.
"That's a bit difficult. Only once a month", replied the patient. "I'm the parish priest in a small country town."

The young parents used code words when discussing sex in front of their children. The terms for intercourse ws "washing machine".
They were lying in bed one night when he said to her, "Darling, washing machine."
"Not now, I've got a headache", she replied.
An hour later, he ran his hand down her leg and said, "Darling, washing machine, please! washing machine."
"I've got a headache!", she complained.
An hour later, feeling sorry for him, she turned to him and said, "O.K. washing machine."
"Don't worry", he replied, "it was a small load so I did it by hand."

"Wake up Paula!"

Peter yelled at 2am. "You won't believe what just happened! I went to have a leak and a strange light came on from nowhere. When I finished the light went out again. It's a miracle!"

"No, it's not," said Paula. "You've p!ssed in the bloody fridge again!"

A Jew, an Indian and a Frenchman were travelling across Texas when their car broke down. They knocked on a farmers' door and asked for accommodation for the night.
"I can only put up two", said the farmer, "one will have to sleep in the barn," said the Jew.
"I will sleep in the barn", said the Jew.
Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. "There's a pig in the barn", said the Jew, "I cannot sleep with a pig."
"O.K., I'll go", said the Indian.
Five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. "There's a cow in the barn", said the Indian, "I am a Hindu, I cannot sleep with a cow."
"I'll go", said the Frechman.
Five minutes later, there was another knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow.

The young tourist was exploring the Red Light district of Bangkok and thought we would try one of the well known Parlours.
"Sory", said the Madam "there are no girls available tonight."
Disappointed, he returned to leave.
"Wait!", said the Madam, "we do have a beautiful young female pig available, and she's very popular with many of our clients. I can guarantee you'll enjoy it."
"Why not!" he thought.
He paid his money and had his way with the pig.
It was so enjoyable that he was back at the same Parlour the next night, asking for the pig.
"I'm sorry", said the Madam, "the pig's not available, but there's good show on tonight - a donkey with one of our girls."
He paid his money and took his seat behind the two-way mirror.
"Gee", he said to the man sitting next to him, "this is incredible."
"It's nothing", said the stranger. "You should have been here last night. There was a man f@cking a pig."

Bill had just returned home from a sales convention in Hong Kong. He spent his days at the convention and his nights in the Red Light district, and was now suffering from a painful and inflamed penis. He hurried to the doctor, who diagnosed it as the Hong Kong Dong and told Bill he would have to have his penis amputated.
Bill was shocked and sought a second opinion, only to be given the same advice - amputation.
A friend recommended a Chinese doctor who practised traditional medicine. The Chinese doctor confirmed the Hong Hong Dong diagnosis but said there was no need for amputation.
"I'm so rlieved!", said Bill.
"Yes", said the Chinese medico, in a week's time it will drop off by itself."

After a few drinks and small talk, she invited him back to her apartment.

Just before they turned out the light, he asked, "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"


"Unfertilised", she replied.