I've got to a change jobs", the patient said to his psychiatrist. "I've worked in a pickled onion factory for ten years, and last week I started to get this uncontrollable urge to put my dick in the onion peeler."
The psychiatrist explain about workplace stress and told him he must learn to relax.
But a week later, the patient was back.
"I don't think I can control myself much longer", he said. "The urge is getting greater. I'm going to put my dick in the onion peeler any day now."
The psychiatrist prescribed Valium.
A month later, the patient was back on the psychiatrist's couch.
"I've lost my job", he said. "I finally stuck my dick into onion peeler."
"My God!", said the psychiatrist. "What heppened then?"
"I got fired. And Betty, the onion peeler, got fired too."

Sorry there's been no jokes the past couple of days but I've been away from the computer....Normal transmission resume tomorrow [smiley:crazy][smiley:crazy][smiley:crazy][smiley:crazy][smiley:crazy]

Here's a few quickies to keep the smiles going

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Julia Gillard was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field  and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Gillard. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not',explained Gillard, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Rudd and Mr. Swan and Mr. Garrett was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Gillard, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident either!'

A beautiful young thing goes to see a psychotherapist.
"Take off your clothes and lie on the couch", he instructed.
He then jumped on the couch with her and ravished her.
When he finished, he put his clothes on and said, "Well, that's my problem solved - what's yours?"

After  having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists
found  traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the
conclusion  that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 150  years ago.
 

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the  weeks that followed, an
American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20  feet, and shortly after, a
story published in the New York Times:  "American archaeologists,
finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire,  have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech  communications network 50
years earlier than the British".

One  week later, the Sydney Morning Herald, in Sydney Australia,
reported  the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in  Tugun,
Bruce, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
found   nothing. Bruce has therefore concluded that 250
years ago,  Australia had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud  to be a Australian !

Pete had an embarrassing twitch in his eye. He had tried everything to get rid of it. At last he found a Chinese doctor who told him that a regular dose of aspirin would fix his problem.
When he returned, Dr Woo asked him how he was progressing.
"No good", said Pete. "Every time I go into the drug store and ask for a packet of aspirin, they give me these!", and he threw down fifty packets of condoms.

A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

classic

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don't take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don't know,
But you know deserves it.
     
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.
   
I found the number and dialed it.
   
A man answered, saying
'Hello..'
   
I politely said,
'This is Rick
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
   
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
     
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
   
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
To call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed
The last two digits.
   
After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
   
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an ****!'
And hung up.
   
I wrote his number down
With the word '****' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.
     
Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an ****!'
   
It always cheered me up.
   
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic '****'
Calling would have to stop.
   
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'
       
He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.
   
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an ****!'
And hung up.
   
One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
   
Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.
   
I hit the horn and yelled
That I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.
   
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.
   
A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first ****
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW ****, too.
   
I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
     
He said,
'Yes, it is.'
   
I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
   
He said,
'Yes, I live at   34 Oaktree Blvd. , in   Fairfax   
It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'
   
I asked,
'What's your name?'
   
He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
       
I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
   
He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'
   
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
   
He said,
'Yes?'
   
I said,
'Don, you're an ****!'
   
Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.
     
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two ****s to call.
   
Then I came up with an idea...
   
I called **** #1.
   
He said,
'Hello'
   
I said,
'You're an ****!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
   
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
     
I said,
'Yeah!'
   
He screamed,
'Stop calling me'
   
I said,
'Make me.'
     
He asked,
'Who are you?'
   
I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
 
He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
     
I said,
'****, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in   Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
     
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
     
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, ****,'
And hung up.
   
Then I called **** #2.
   
He said,
'Hello?'
   
I said,
'Hello, ****,'
   
He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'
   
I said,
'You'll what?'
   
He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass'
   
I answered,
'Well, ****, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
   
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 oak tree Blvd, in   Fairfax , to kill my gay lover.
     
Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in oak tree Blvd in   Fairfax ..

I quickly got into my car and headed over to   Fairfax ..
   
I got there just in time to watch two ****s
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
     
NOW I feel much better.
   
Anger management really does work.

One sunny Sunday, Superman was flying around with nothing to do, so he decided to drop in on Batman.
"Hi, Bat", said Superman, "let's go down the pub and have a beer."
"Not today, Super. My Batmobile's broken down and I've got to fix it. Can't fight crime without it, you know."
Disappointed, Superman went over to Spiderman's place.
"Let's go down the pub for a drink, Spider."
"Sorry Super. I've got a problem with my web gun. Can't fight without it, you know."
Dejectedly, Superman took to the air again, and decided to drop by on Wonder Woman. There she was, lying on her back out on her balcony, stark naked and writhing around. Superman conceived a cunning idea. "Everyone says I'm faster than a speeding bullet, and I've always wondered what sort of screw she'd be'.
So he zoomed down, did her in a flash and zoomed off.
What the hell was that!", cried Wonder Woman.
"I don't know, but it hurt like hell!" said the Invisible Man.

he Irish girl had never been into a bar before, and she asked the barman to recommend a drink.
"Try this", he suggested, and mixed her up a dry martini.
She thought it was great, but an hour and six martinis later, she was asleep on the floor, dead drunk.
The barman asked a couple of regulars to help him carry her out to the back room, where one of them suggested that they give her a quickie while she was out cold.
Next night, she returned to the bar and got stuck into the martinis again. As before, she finished up dead drunk. The same three carried her out the back and bonked her again. This went on for a week.
When she came back on the eighth night, the barman started mixing the martinis as soon as she walked through the door.
"I'll have a scotch tonight!", she said. "Those martinis make my c@nt sore!"

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, and there he was laying naked on his side on the bed as the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection"   said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said my friend.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

Irene was stark naked when she arrived at the fancy dress ball.
"You can't enter because you must be dressed as something!" said the doorman.
So Irene put on a pair of black gloves, put on a pair of black shoes, and announced, "I'm the Five of Spades."

A dejected used car salesman was sitting in the corner drowning his problems.
"What's up?" asked the local harlot.
"Things aren't going too well. If I don't sell more cars, I'll lose my arse."
"I know how you feel", said the harlot. "If I don't sell more arse this month, I'll lose my car."

esus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.
"Name?", said Jesus.
"Jeseph."
"Occupation?"
"Carpenter."
Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?"
asked Jesus.
"Yes."
"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?"
"Yes!" said the old man.
Jesus looked at the old man with a tear in his eye, put his arms out and said, "Father! Father! It's me! It's me!
The old man looked puzzled, then beamed - "Pinocchio!"

Little Johnny asks his father "Dad, what does a vagina look like?"
"Well" said the father knowingly, "It has two looks. Before sex it looks like a beautiful rose with folds."
"What about after sex?" asked Little Johnny.
"Well" said the father "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating porridge?"