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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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I know I know it's an old one, but still a good'un
Three guys walk into a bar and have a drink. After about ten minutes of chatting and drinking, the first guy says, "I was making love to my wife last night and she enjoyed it so much that when I got off her she rose 3 inches of the bed!" The second guy says, "Oh, that's nothing. When I made love to my wife last night, she enjoyed it so much that when I got off her she rose 6 inches of the bed!" The third guy butts in and says, "That's nothing. When I made love to my wife last night, I got off her, wiped my d!ck on the curtain and she hit the roof!" |
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I'm a bit nervous thinking about my trip to lego-land, bricking it!
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One day the seven dwarfs were coming home after a hard day's work. As they approached the house, they heard some sounds coming from the garden.
Their curiosity aroused, they stood on each others' shoulders until finally one of them could see over the garden wall. The dwarf at the top sees Snow White and the Prince sitting and talking in the garden. He says to the dwarf whose shoulders he is standing on, "Snow White is with the Prince." This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf, "Snow White is with the Prince" "Snow White is with the Prince" "Snow White is with the Prince" "Snow White is....." (and so on) until it has reached all the dwarfs. Then the dwarf at the top says: "They`re Kissing" Again the chain starts: "They`re Kissing" "They`re Kissing" "They`re Kissing" "They`re ......." "He`s taking off her clothes" "He`s taking off her clothes" "He`s taking off her clothes" "He`s taking off............" "They`re both nude now" "They`re both nude now" "They`re both nude now" "They`re both........." "He`s about to enter her" "He`s about to enter her" "He`s about to enter her" "He`s about to.........." At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall, so she gets up to investigate. The dwarf at the top sees this and says: "She`s Coming" "So am I" "So am I" "So am I" "So am I" "So am I" "So am I" |
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loved it roy - even a chuckle from my missus
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A guy walks into a bar and says " I'd like to have a Bin Laden please" The bartender says " I've never heard of that one how's it made ?" The guy says "Easy two shots....and a splash of water!"
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Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my pen!s erect. Can you help me?"
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your pen!s are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your pen!s." Jack thinks about it silently then says. "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening and took his date to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His pen!s immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants. His date was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?" Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my @ss." |
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A doctor named Eli Chang had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.
"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help. The Greens pleaded with him and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Froot Loops..." |
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Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.
Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged. Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?" |
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A couple has a male friend from visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeping him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.
"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right. After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me." "Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his butt. He won't even wake up." The friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed. After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's butt, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side. The husband then rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "It's bad enough that you're screwing my wife, but could you at least stop using my butt for a scoreboard?" |
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have been released today. ' |
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Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying "Enter here for a chance at free sex!" They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten.
The first guy guesses five. The attendant says, "Sorry, but the number is eight." The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, "Sorry, but the number was three." As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and says, "You know, I think that contest was ****." The second guy--the smarter of the two--replies, "Naw, it's on the up and up. My wife won twice last week." |
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Cmon you blokes, Roys not askin for much while he's away
Not one that I look at but there seems to be plenty who do, so..... LIFT!! here's mine for today... |
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CARLTON
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i'll tell u a story about my penis...............nah its too long for here
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* A grasshopper walks into a bar, hops up on a barstool, orders a beer. Bartender says, "Hey, you know, we have a drink named after you. Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
* Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. |
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Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench.
A guy walks up and flashes his old fella to them. One old lady immediately had a stroke. The other old lady couldn't quite reach that far. |
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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave. |
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Joke of the Day: Kye
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LOL whiskers
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Because Roy has done a great job and entertained us all for months I will attempt to keep this alive.....
A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?' |
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There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.'' He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.'' Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.'' He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.'' He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.'' He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.'' He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17. The voice says, ''F@ck.'' |
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Three male work friends decided to take their wives on a gambling vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The gambling vacation week flew by and they all had a great time in the casinos gambling.
After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their Vegas vacation. The first guy says “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back from Vegas, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!” The second guy says “I know what you mean… my old lady played black jack the whole vacation and she slaps the bed all night and hollers “hit me light or hit me hard”, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!” The third guy says “You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole vacation and I wake up each morning with a sore d1ck and an @ss full of quarters!” |
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A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends.
A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender,'' I'd like to make a bet with you.'' The bartender replies, ''Sure I'm in a betting mood.'' So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can p1ss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, ''I'll take that bet.'' So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts p1ssing. He doesn't even get a drop in. He p1sses all over the place. In the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything. After he was done p1ssing, the bartender laughed and said, ''You owe me $1,000.'' The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The bartender asked, ''How come you're so happy?'' The man replied, ''You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could p1ss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it.'' |
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An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?
The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks." "The guy next to me is 1.85m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock." "Next to him is a bloke who's 2m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?" The Aussie bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times." |
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A young woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of Sydney Harbour. As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering her fate, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you?" he jokingly asked. "Yes, yes I am." replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge, "Look, nothing's worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if you 'look after' me." The girl, having no better prospects agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water and making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship & it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young woman and demanded an explanation. The young woman came clean; "I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night, and, and.......he's screwing me." The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked his face and he replied; "He sure is darlin', this is the Manly Ferry! |
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lol
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Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast shutter speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
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A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?" |
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!” |
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Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday. |
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i cant let this thread die.....roy54 wouldnt be happy that we made such a p!ss poor effort while he was away on a holiday
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolateis just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant.You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to awater park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal You never have to drive to another gas stationrestroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop andthink of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinklesadd character. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.People never stare atyour chest when you're talking to them The occasional well-rendered belchis practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle yourfeet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 secondsflat. You know stuff about tanks.When you want to invite a couple of friends round for a BBQ you just do itand slap a few steaks and sausages on with a salad that takes 5 minutesnot 2 days to prepare. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your ownjars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Ifsomeone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Yourunderwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more thanenough . You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable tosee wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lastsfor years, maybe decades . You only have to shave your face and neck. Youcan play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips.One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wearshorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You cando Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. |
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A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this BIG
black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch p*nis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound righttesticle, Turner Brown." The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The Big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch p*nis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said "Turn Around." |
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