i got a chuckle out of the last 2

A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.

"There’s a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he’s kicking and squealing so much I can’t get him free" he said.
"Okay," said the boss.
"In the back of the "cruiser there’s a pistol Put it up to the pig’s head and shoot it.
When its body goes all limp you’ll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again,
"I did what you said, boss.I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can’t go on."
"Why not?" Asked the boss. "What’s the problem?"
"Well it’s his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."

Problem Gambling
During an ATO audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Logroller. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Logroller says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Logroller removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Logroller says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Logroller isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Logroller removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Logroller's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Logroller asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Logroller stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Logroller's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Logroller told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

A boy comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That’s right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

***** = d1ck

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?

Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which went almost un-noticed.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote The Hokey Cokey died peacefully on 11 April 1996 aged 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in - and things just started to go downhill from there.

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress and figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "

I dunno," came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. " You got any toilet paper on your side?"

A Tale of a squirrel

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:


The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END



THE U.K. VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference
and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;
with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a
table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so,
while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel’s house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with
breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing "We shall overcome".

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the
squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel’s taxes are reassessed.

He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish
it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially
mobile. The squirrel’s food is seized and re distributed to the more needy
members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building
a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary
home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried
to blow up the airport because of Britain’s apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people’s credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrel’s food, though spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn’t bothered to maintain the house.

He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers" drug "illness’.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since
arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.

He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise
him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state
the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased.

The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain’s
multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for
failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the
burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their
credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and
order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

Twas the night before Christmas, and boy was it neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I’m speaking, he was high as a kite,
Whoa Sh!thead, whoa @sshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, "cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockey, to cover my @ss,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and smelled like a ****.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay awhile"

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and p!ssed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a pen!s that spits.
A box filled with cond0ms was Santa’s next find,
And six pair of undies, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a pen!s extension,
And several more things I shouldn’t even mention.
A fcuk ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a d!ldo so long that it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will sh!t,
So I’ll leave "em here, and then I’ll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his @ss and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying,"Take me home, Rudolf. This night’s been a b!tch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about p ussy is you can’t wear it out!!"

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.


"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the
pearly gates Saint Peter said.


The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They’re bells". Saint Peter said you may pass
through the pearly gates.


The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "They’re Carols".

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father, surprised answers, "Well son, there’s three kinds of breasts...
In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mum, how many types of willies are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties & forties, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.



You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.

One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,

"He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.



You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and get her telephone number.

The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.



You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.

You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour

her a drink.

You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it,

offer her a ride, and then say,

"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.



You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.

She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."

That's Brand Recognition.



You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"

She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!!

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex ?
A. They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. What’s the difference between a woman with PMT and a pitbull ?
A. Lipstick.

Q. Why are hurricanes named after women ?
A. When they come they are wild and wet, but when they go they take your hous and car.

Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a job ?
A. After 5 years the job still sucks.

Q. What are the small bumps around a womans’s n!pples for ?
A. They are Braille for "suck here’.

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks."
A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."
A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."
An Australian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a woman with NO brain, made her Prime Minister, and now the whole country is looking for work.