In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, 'You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his Bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving.
When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
The nurse replied, 'The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow.'
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08-10-2008, 09:17 AM    #55 
t4e
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 18,467 muhahahaha
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08-10-2008, 01:46 PM    #56 
robiejaegs
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Gender: Male
Location: New York
Posts: 7,821 And who said men are simple?

Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
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Don't give it up! 
     


08-10-2008, 05:55 PM    #57 
Tarek
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,996 Quote:
Originally Posted by Victoria 
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, 'You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his Bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving.
When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
The nurse replied, 'The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow.'

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day
by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him
home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left,
past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance
from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a b!tch on the phone, I’m
lost and need directions!"

Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it?

Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?

Women enjoy sex more than men.

Proof: When your ear is itchy and you stick your finger in to scratch it, what feels better your ear or your finger?

lol best joke yet

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter’s tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.

The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn’t live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I’m not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn’t really come into this world in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man’s story. He looks into the old man’s eyes and asks, "Father?"

The old man’s face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Pinocchio?"

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, His wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer "How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days?!?"

The husband couldn’t believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"

Monday went by and the man didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn’t see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling had gone down a bit and he could see her a
little, out of the corner of his left eye.

A recent study found that the average Aussie walks about 700 kms a year.
Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 litres of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Aussies get about 31 kms to the litre!

Makes you damned proud to be an Aussie!

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink.

"You can’t make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they’ll kill us."

Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to...go" he said.

"Well you can’t go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents" bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."

So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked,

"Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a kitchen towel?"

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

A social misfit walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well I’ll tell you," replies the ugly bloke. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies.

I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top sometimes, her on top!"

"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"

"I dunno, I never found her head."

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional..
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her..
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.. She
was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious, that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now and am looking for a girl with big t1ts.

There were these two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through the hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and the giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again ?"
He asks her, "Shall we ?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh yes, let’s! But let’s change positions.


This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you sh!t on its head !"

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:-

Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. if we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing’, we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, its like camping.

Your recycling jokes Royboy--The smell sinus joke has been posted 3 times in 2 weeks..--Maybe time to get a new joke-book

Why I fired my secretary...

      last week was my 40th birthday and i didn't feel very well when i
      woke
      up that morning. i sat there at breakfast hoping my wife would be
      pleasant and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for
      me.
      as it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "happy
      birthday."

      i thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will
      remember.
      my kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. so when i left for
      the office, i was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

      as i walked into my office, my secretary jane said, "good morning,
      boss,
      happy birthday!" it felt good that at least someone had remembered. i
      worked until one o'clock and then jane knocked on my door and said,
      "you
      know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday,
      let's
      go out to lunch, just you and me."

      i said, "thanks jane, that's the greatest thing i've heard all day.
      let's go!" we went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would
      go. we dined instead at a little place with a private table. we had
      two
      martinis each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously.

      on the way back to the office, jane said, "you know, it's such a
      beautiful day... we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

      i responded, "i guess not. what do you have in mind?"

      she said, "let's go to my apartment."

      after arriving at her apartment jane turned to me and said, "boss, if
      you don't mind, i'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. i'll
      be
      right back."

      "ok." i replied, somewhat nervously.

      She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came
      out
      carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and
      dozens
      of my friends and co-workers, all singing "happy birthday".

      and i just sat there...

      on the couch...

      naked.

A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.

Salesman: May I speak to your mother?

Child: She is not here.

Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?

Child: My sister

Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?

Child: I guess so.

There was a long silence on the other phone. Then:

Child: Hello?

Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.

Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.

A man goes to a prostitute and asks what he can have as he only has $20.
The prostitute replies "For that you get a snowstorm".
The man is baffled as he has never heard of a snowstorm, but not wanting to appear naive, he agrees and hands over the money.

After tucking the cash safely away, the woman kneels down, unzips his trousers, and proceeds to give him a bl0w job. The man shoots his load into her mouth and then does up his zip.

"Great!" he says "but what has that got to do with a snowstorm?"
The woman gets to her feet, looks him square in the face, and blows a long raspberry.

is this jokes of the day now?
i think 1 a day hits the mark imo

A married couple is driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, it’s shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."