Joke of the Day

Guy walks up to a rather biggish girl at at bar, Says "I'd give you one" She says "wouldnt touch you if you were the last man on earth. He say's WHOA...I was just giving you a mark out of ten [:D].....ffs lol

very good shiraz, and not bad lazza

Judgey

Excellent news guys, I have had a good day so far with the tennis (had to get up a bit early and it's not over yet), looking forward to a bit of fun with the racing today.

Whoooooooosh!

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl0wj0b".

lazza sent me that 1 in an email, but i deleted it after i read what it was about

You are the ban expert Judgey

This guy was walking down the street and this h00ker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first p@ssy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says,

"Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fcuk your brains out, and suck your ti.ts dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a ****.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful Bookmakers.  So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the Bookie in his lavish office. 

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,  ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a cent to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?'

The Bookie thought for a moment and said,  ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’ 

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled,  ‘Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,’  says the Bookie,  ‘did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

'Thirdly,’  the Bookie said,  ‘did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said,  ‘I'm so sorry.  I had no idea.’ 

And then the Bookie said,  ‘So, if I don't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering
the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me
seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a
glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

A mate of mine told me yesterday that he was fking twins. I said thats fantastic, how do you tell them apart. He said its easy. Jennifer is the one with the long black hair, and Trevor has got the big d!ck.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
 
MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only  $2, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus  dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '  $ 90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking  $  980,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of  $  900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really   a pretty good deal.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in   astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

A lecturer is giving Med students a lecture on INVOLUNTARY MUSCLE SPASMS
and he can see he is boring the cr@p out of the class,
so he decides to spice it up a bit.
He points to an atractive blonde in the front row and says
" do you know waht your ars#hole is doing when you have an orgasm"

she replies "he is probably down the pub playing pool with his mates"

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren,
and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old. I'm f@ckin' telling everybody!'

not bad for a lib supporter