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WORST THING IVE EVER DONE?
Killed a thread with the previous sentence F00king hilarious keep em coming copper, id fock it |
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keith richards once said he snorted his dad's ashes
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If only these fantasy stories were true.
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all mine are and I would wager a significant number of others are too!
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I think they are all true. Even John Terry and Michael Corleone's efforts.
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oneputt 02 Mar 20:28
keith richards once said he snorted his dad's ashes I don't care about Keith Richards. What have you done? |
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backed port vale
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oneputt
you will never be forgiven for that ;-) |
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listened to katie price sing
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A few years back I was working down in essex for a sandwich year as part of my degree. there were loads of other students working there as well, so it was a good laugh like.
anyway towards the end of it, these 5 fit birds who were working there as well had this massive house party, at their plush 3 storey townhouse they were renting. cream carpets, leather sofas, widescreen tvs the works, much nicer than the terraced ex-council house I was staying in anyway. before we turned up to this party a few of us were playing drinking games round my house, and I ended up getting completely smashed on sambuca, I could hardly even walk by the time I got to the house party. infact for the first two hours of the party or so I just passed out on their sofa. when I woke up I had this massive pain in my stomach. So i get up and try to go to the toilet. check the one on the first floor...there is a massive queue. so go up to the second floor...there is a huge queue there aswell. So I stand there waiting for a few mins. Whoever was in the toilet didnt look like they were coming out in the near future. By this point I could feel it coming. I'm thinking, what can I do, I can't just be sick in the middle of this hallway can I? In my drunken haze I see this other staircase going up, and thinking there might be another toilet up there, I stagger up the stairs. It was completely pitch black so I had absolutely no idea where I was going. I came across a door, which I managed to open, and fumbled around for the light switch. It was at that point I realised I was in one of their bedrooms! The whole room was immaculately tidy, and looked like your typical girly girls bedroom, with pink and fluffy toys everywhere. It was at that point that I was literally about to be sick. To this moment, I still don't know why I did this. I could have just been sick out of the window or something. But in the panic, I whipped off the duvet, and spilled my guts all over her white sheets. I then proceeded to replace the duvet perfectly as she left it. No one would have known I had been in there, until they lifted off the duvet that is. I then turned off the lights, closed the door and tip toed down the stairs. Luckily no one saw me coming down the stairs so I had got away with it. Later that night, I was stood on the landing right near the bottom of these stairs talking to one of my mates. I then saw one of the girls who lived there (who I also had the massive hots for btw) going up the stairs. At that point I realised that it must have been her fcking bed that I was sick in!! About a minute later, she comes back down the stairs, with this annoyed look on her face. At this point I'm trying really really hard not to make eye contact with her, as I didnt want her to come talk to me, as I was sure I would give the game away. But, to my horror she comes over to me and starts chatting away, with no mention of finding anything in her bedroom. I still dont know how I managed to keep a straight face. Anyway, to cut a long story short, the rest of their house basically got ruined as well. Some of which was my fault to be fair. I managed to completely block the downstairs loo (which they had to get a plumber in to** when I was sick again later that night (also got sick up one of the walls and down the back of the radiator). I helped break their glass coffee table when I pushed my mate backwards into it (still not sure how I didnt manage to seriously injure him). Someone managed to smash their widescreen tv, still not sure how that happened. Plus tons of other damage. A few days later I was having lunch with a few of them at work, when they were discussing what happened at the house party. I still have no idea how I managed to keep a straight face when that girl began to describe what she found under her duvet. In total, there was well over 4 grands worth of damage to their house, as they all lost their deposit and had to even pay some extra money when they moved out. And, finally, the best part of it all is this....... I have been seeing that girl whos bed I was sick in for the past two years, we hooked up about a week after that party, and she is still none the wiser as to who did that to her bed, or the other damage done to her house. She still thinks some gate crashers did it I think. I am dying to tell her, just to see her reaction, but have decided against it for now. Maybe Ill break it to her on our wedding night or something. And yes, we did do the deed quite a few times at the scene of the crime, if you were wondering that. Sorry for the long post. |
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Oh and another one, this happened at about the same time.
There was this guy who worked full time at where I was doing my placement, and he was quite friendly with alot of the students. Anyway, he sent an email to all the boys, it was about our football team, but he also included a few paragraphs where he basically**ged off specific girl students, calling them **s and ugly etc. I may have "mistakenly" forwarded that email to all the girls whilst trying to reply to it. The funny part is that this email also got forwarded to some members of senior management (that part wasn't me, I think one of the girls did it). I even had the Vice-president of my department ask me about it, as he somehow got forwarded it lol. Anyway this guy basically resigned from his job because of it, was a case of jumping before he was pushed I think. I don't feel sorry for him though, as he was a **. |
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he was pushed, you just wouldn't know the details
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yawn
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Sir Digby Chicken Caesar 01 Mar 13:14
I was on a coach going to a match and was playing cards with my mates, we were playing 'chase the ace' and it was down to me and another lad who I knew had the ace and one other card, he was sat next to the window facing me and as I looked over his shoulder I could see his cards reflected in the window, I picked the other card and left him with the ace. Winning me a ton. never told him LOL did exactly the same on the way to slovakia on a stag do last year, only we were playing poker, fleeced the lot! |
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If they can't be arsed to shield their cards then they don't deserve money.
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I don't feel guilty any longer about winning any amount of money from you fleabags ;)
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Some of the posters on this thread are worthless trash. Hope karma comes your way.
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I**ged a munter and now she's in love with me... Literally keeps telling me she knows I want her too...
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I came second in a strawberry picking competion to a wowan with no legs.......................I called her a jammy c * nt.
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One of the worst nights I've had.
Went to watch Utd away at Barnsley, ended up staying there for drinks. Was soon coming to last orders so we all decided to find a club open that would take us, ended up in some grab a granny night. Go off with this nasty dirty tart in her forties, thought to myself got a place to crash here, so decided to go back to hers.pulled up in a taxi outside a house, something straight out of beirut. As I walked in I could hear the telly on in the front room, thought it might be a friend minding the house. we both went upstairs got into bed and I gave her one, just before i was going to nod off, I could hear someone banging coming up the stairs (sounded like a elephant it was that loud) The bedroom door opens and I got the shock of my life when this bloke about 6"6 walks in,looked like andre the giant with nipple rings,bulging muscles and wearing a piar of lycra shorts (looked like he preferred c ock). He said to this bird "you alreet angie, had a alreet nite?" she goes "was alreet, nowt much out tonight" then he starts staring at me and says "who's this d ickhead? only joking mate" then asks if I want a cup of tea. "I'll have a cup of tea please", as he walks back downstairs I asked her who feck this bloke was, " It's ma boyfriend,he's gorra join us later" so I said yeah no problem, I'll just nip to the toilet before he comes back. Put my clothes on as fast as I could, noticed her handbag on the stairs,so dipped it for a few notes (I paid for all the drinks and taxi), charged down the stairs and out the front door, as I was doing one down the street, I looked back and could see this bloke looking out the net curtains. Ended up walking for miles in the rain to the train station and waiting until 5am for the next train home. |
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Superb thread - grandmother with the violin has to be the best for me - rolled up at that one.
Dunno bout the worst thing but was the funniest. Went to Tenerife in the 80's and 3 of us in room. One of my mates used to wear these disgusting shorts that used to really wind us up so when he was in the shower one night we got them and stuck them in a light on the wall. The light was on a nd a few minutes later they started to catch fire. Had to quickly grab them out the light before the place started to burn down and our mate realised what was happening. Threw them out the back somewhere and for days he was looking for his shorts. He was distraught that he couldn't find them. We were p***** ourselves. He still doesn't know what happened to them :-) |
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Kopland 01 Mar 21:56
only for an amateur team (wont name them on here) get paid per match (literally £25 quid lol) plus travel expenses injured at the moment though - dislocation and fracture of the elbow - been in a mechanical arm brace for 4 months get it taken off soon I don't spose you have to mention the team. Can't be that many people about with a mechanical arm brace. i guess you were trying to remain anonymous |
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Weeb...
best so far! |
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The police have hard jobs.
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Ok, last one for me.
At my current job, there used to be a bloke who worked there who was an utter c0ck. **ed on his GF constantly, did a crap job (spent most of his work time looking at porn, which he already had a warning about) and generally annoyed everyone. I didn't like him at all, but the network manager despised him the most. One day we thought we'd play a little prank. I thought it would be funny to load up some pornopgraphy on to his computer and watch him panic in the morning trying to get rid of it - that old chesnut. I managed to get his password, and let the network bloke sort out the porn side of things. Anyway, what started off as a funny prank, became a little more serious when in the pub that evening the network buy tells me that the pornography he installed was of... questionable legality. He then agreed that it had probably gone too far, and first thing in the morning before everyone arrived he would remove it. Except the silly twunk got absolutely bladdered that night, and failed to turn up the next day. So.. arrived in the morning, but people were already there so I couldn't just logon to his computer as would be too suspicious. The boss arrived, shortly followed by the unsuspecting bloke. He logged on, saw what was happening, but not before the boss caught a glimpse of his screen. The boss was fuming, and despite his protests the poor bloke was suspended from work (later resigned), and police were involved. No idea if he was charged or if it was dropped. Still, alls well that ends well - I got his old job and a payrise. |
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At lunchtiems we used to wonder out of the school grounds down to the 'village', although really it is a town now, where you had the choice of bakery, chippy or oatcake shop (being not far from Stoke). The OAtcake shop was the most popular, and there were always long queues to get served. Whilst queuing I noticed a blind man walking down the other side of the road, tapping his stick. Ive still got no idea why I did this to this day, and I feel pretty tight about it, but I shouted "Look out" and the top of my voice.
The blind man stopped for ages, asking what was wrong, before eventually making his way down the road. The whole queue of people at the oatcake shop were fallnig about laughing. So harsh. Another day, a mate dared me to ask a woman "Excuse me old biddy, have you got the time?" When I did the woman kicked off, going totally mental. She eventually walked off but then came past us in the passenger seat of a Skoda, waving her arm out of the window flicking us the Vs and shouting at us to "feck off you little buggers" One time when it snowed I got dared to hit the on duty teacher, who was this right old witch. I rolled up a ball of what was mostly ice, and lashed it from about 35 yards. It sailed miles up in the air and caught her flush on the back of the head and knocked her down. We didnt hang around to find out who got the blame for it, but never got caught. I was a right little tw@t when I was young. |
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in my current posting in eastern europe, there are some gypsies terrorising us foreigners. a few muggings etc and one kid held at gunpoint, but we remarkably still all play poker at the same casinos as them. it's a lawless town and we all love to gamble.
they had mugged the equivalent of about £500 off a mate of mine (in my presence), then one night at the casino we identified the culprits responsible and decided to get them back. we laid low, imagining they wouldnt recognise us as the victims because it was dark etc and we were wrapped up to our eyeballs because it was so cold that night. anyway, we phoned a few mates to come round to the casino and also slipped the dealer some 'no questions asked' money, a TIA for him. Everybody hates the gypsies here, and are quite happy for them to get scammed. we ended up playing a tournament with an unreasonable amount of observers from our side. the gypsies inadvertently continued to show their cards to our plants, who would relay their hands to us, in the midst of keeping the banter up, all the time. they were none the wiser. they accused us of collusion and we replied by mocking their sh1ttiness at poker. by the end of the night we were £1500 up against them, and the head gypsy tried to cop a feel from one of the bar staff, and was tasered by the security guard. within minutes, about 30 gypsies had come inside and stormed the place, looting the till etc. a few of them got tasered, including a couple of kids no older than about 15. we continue to play them at another casino...although now we do it fair and square, and still cane them. not the worst thing i've ever done...but it was vigilante i guess. |
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worst thing i've ever done is pretty soft in fact. probs lying to my current bint about how back home i was a promising rugby player but suffered a career-ending back injury which requires constant massage.
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To be fair, titan, if she gave you knób rot that's perfectly excusable.
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LOL, so true, so true.
also M&P why was yours under the worst thing ever? exposing a brothel is verging on good, no? |
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It is a good thing - though going to the police with my evidence might have been a smart move! And the newspaper that I wrote the article for was only part of our uni course, so hardly anyone read it.
I always wonder what would have happened if the police had raided it while I was there. "You're not going to believe this, officer, but I'm a journalist and..." |
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Got my mate to pretend he was disabled at thorpe park so we could get wrist bands and get on the rides quicker. he just put his arm inside his jumper and we went to medical tent saying we didn't get bands on the way in.
the looks we got when we walked straight to the front of the queue were pricelss, who's going to insist you show them your disability?! i'd do it again too |
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another good one, at school me and another guy carefully pooed in to this other lad's shoe, shoved it to the end and also put a wrapped up poo in his blazer front pocket.
he walked around for about three days saying he could smell poo everywhere he went. when discovered he didn't speak to any of our class pretty much for the rest of school and EVERYONE knew him as poo shoe for the rest of the year. |
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to bet on Yemen...
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:0
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ttt
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LAUGHED WHEN PEEPS SAID ENNGLAND WILL WIN THE WORLD CUP
I wont be doing that again :^0 |
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Rigged a football match at school. was doing my a-levels at the time.
Huge rivalary with the school accross the park....kid u not...huge rivalry. They'd beaten is 4 years straight and were going for the big five. this is the year11s that were playing...so big match for kids pre-GSCEs. We had lost the first leg 1nil at our place and there was no way we'd turn it around back at theres. no way. So I put liquid LSD in the other teams water bottles while they were warming up before the match. I didnt have much time so I spiked as many bottles as i could...about 4 and just hoped those bottles would get drunk from...there were about 12 of them. We won the game 7-1 (8-2 on aggegate) :-| |
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I take it that you were not studying a-level maths then?
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put venezuela in a multiple
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