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I'm giving up drinking for a month.
Sorry. That came out wrong. I'm giving up. Drinking for a month! |
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As I stared out of the window this morning, I said to my wife:
"Oh my God, look at it, it's so grey and miserable." "Stop being a tw*t" she replied, "just go and let my mother in." |
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A bit long but..........Daddys car in the woods.
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into to the woods. curious at this he followed the car into the woods and saw his Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace little Johnny found this so exciting he could hardly contain himself and he ran home and started to tell his mummy. He told her he saw the car and followed it into the woods and then he saw Daddy giving aunt Jane a big kiss and then helped her take her shirt off and she helped daddy take his pants off and then.......His Mum said, wait! this is so interesting Let's save the rest of it till supper Time. I want to see the look on Daddys face. At the dinner table that evening Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story and he started telling the story, He said he saw the car and followed it into the woods and then he saw Daddy giving aunt Jane a big kiss and then Daddy helped her take her shirt off and she helped daddy take his pants off and then....they started doing the same thing that Mummy and uncle Dave used to do when Daddy was away on the Oil rigs. MUMMY FAINTED!!! |
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This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great, Lovely day, had a ball, been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh that's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck. "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day, had a ball, been in and out of puddles all day, if I had the chance another day I would do the same again" So the bartender turns to the third duck and says... "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day." |
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Terrible weather conditions today, I've just visited my 80-year-old neighbour to ask if she needed anything from the shop.
Turns out she did, so I've given her my list too, no point in both of us going out in this weather. |
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Why does Prince Charles like to drive north along the Devon/Cornwall border?
So he can pass the Duchy on the left hand side. |
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Boris Johnson promotes Alok Sharma and makes Rishi Sunak, 39, his new Chancellor after Sajid Javid RESIGNS as the PM keeps Priti Patel.
A couple more and we'll have the English cricket team. |
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My next-door neighbour has just bought an Audi, a Toyota and 2 BMW's. I think he's got car owner virus.
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Congratulations to Parasite, first foreign language film to win best picture Oscar since Braveheart.
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ahh so chuffed...happy valentines day to me
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Darling,what's for dinner?
Ikea sandwich! What's that? It's all in the fridge, you only have to assemble it. |
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I handed my wife a brand new pair of black stockings.
She winked and said, "Shall I go up stairs?" I said, "No, get your coat on. We're off to rob a petrol station." |
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Either Chewbacca is in the next cubicle or someone needs to start adding fruit to their diet!
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Give wine snobs something to think about by dropping your guts just as they are about to sniff the cork.
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Manchester City has finally reached parity with Manchester United.
They won't be in Europe for the next two seasons. |
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Job Vacancy
If you, as a child, used to knock on peoples doors and then run away, Yodel would like to hear from you. |
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Over heard in the Pub last night...
One woman said to another,....... 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.' |
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Will and Guy have heard that a drunken badger passed out in the middle of the road near Goslar in Germany. The badger had been consuming over-ripe cherries which fermented in his stomach causing him to have diarrhoea as well as a hangover.
Apparently he staggered into the road where he collapsed and refused to move when police officers tried to scare him away. Police then had to chase the boozy badger off the road into a nearby meadow using a yard brush; there, the inebriate fell asleep again. |
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?' The first man approached him and said, 'Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?' The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied........ 'My wife's first husband.' |
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Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of your life.
However, so was today and look how that ****g turned out. |
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It's only been 9 days and I'm already missing meat.
Trust me, never employ a Scouser as a butcher's assistant! |
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I used to think that Sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me until I fell into a printing press.
Milton Jones |
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If I had a pound for every time I was called a retard,
I would have over a thousand dollars. |
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It's a little known fact that 81% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of a steel girder at the top of an unfinished skyscraper in New York city!
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If modern society has taught us anything, it's that the less a person is qualified to have an opinion
The more likely she is to express it |
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Omg! HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
MY NAME IS GEZ HERNANDEZ AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, DARK HAIRED BOY, WHO GOT ALL THE GIRLS WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY FROM WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED FARADAY HALL CAMPUS SCHOOL . 'YES, YES I DID. 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK? 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED.. 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?' |
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Man United fans have welcomed the decision to continue the HS2 line onto Manchester so they can all get home to London quicker.
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go." |
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A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.' |
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Evidently it costs the average man £20,000 to get married and £100,000 to get divorced. And do you know why divorce for a man is so expensive? Because it's worth it.
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My grief counsellor died recently but luckily he was so good I didn't give a sh*t.
Milton Jones |
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After reading about how meat production affects the environment, I decided to give Quorn a try.
Next day I emitted more greenhouse gases than the USA and China combined. |
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My best rugby moment:
The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure. Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm bre@sts were on show. After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. 'So, does that make you feel good' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.' 'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.' I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her n1pple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect bre@st. 'How do you feel now,' she purred. 'OK,' I replied. Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before' Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up the field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.” "Ahhh" she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c*nt' 'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.' |
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I've been so depressed lately
that even when my wife threatened to leave me That still didn't cheer me up |
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When I was in America I really got into the culture I went into a shop and the guy said " Have a nice day" and I didn't so I sued him.
Milton Jones |
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I arrived at the restaurant a bit early.
"Would you mind waiting for a while?" asked the maitre d'. "Not at all," I replied. "Good," he said, "take these burgers and chips to table 7." |
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GLASGOW. Where men are men
And so are the women. |
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"I've just built a model of mount Everest"
"Is that to scale?" "No, just to look at" |
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I started my new job as an apprentice bell ringer this morning...
It's my first day, so they will just be showing me the ropes... |
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I've decided to rationalise my businesses,
I'm going to combine my acupuncture clinic with my hedgehog petting zoo. |