A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So, I just switched the heads.

I had some delicious honey on my toast this morning ...
Later as I walked past the hive where it came from I said " thank you bees for making the best honey in the world" ....a few shouted back "it's good but we wouldn't say it was the best honey in the world"

Oh I thought, they must be humble-bees

good ones there bigmo

A paperboy is doing his monthly round of collecting money from customers. One door is opened by    a sexy woman with massive t*ts wearing just her knickers.
“Hi, Missus, I’ve come for the paper money. It’s $5 please,” he says with his hand held    out.
“I’m afraid I’ve no money in the house,” the woman replies in a sexy voice,“but    if you come in I’m sure    I can think of something...”
So our lad goes in and the woman drops her knickers, lays on the floor legs spread, moaning and says “You can have this as payment,
the lad throws down his bag and drops his trousers revealing a horses c*ck. The woman squeals in delight, and then the lad produces a load of rubber rings from his bag and stacks them on his huge kn*b.    What are they for the woman asks ? Oh they are just to make sure I don't go all the way in when I f*ck you ! Forget that says the woman, I'll have it all. Not for five f*ck*n dollars you wont, says the lad.

SEXISTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Newcastle’s tallest Muslim.........Mind Jaheed.

If you're reading this, you are beginning to avoid your family

My obese parrot died the other day. Must admit, it was a huge weight off my shoulder.

Vegans need to lay off attacking others for their eating habits...

The last thing we need is another Spinach Inquisition.

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "you did this."

Liked that one tictacman1.

Thanks workrider.


Today the EU reported over 90% drop in binge drinking and the use of class A drugs ...

As Scotland left the block.

Started a new job at the Samaritans last week.
Tried to ring in sick this morning & they talked me out of it!

Ikea to close the doors on it's Coventry store.

Yeah, right, have you ever tried to close the doors on anything from Ikea?

Struggling to find local tradesmen? Simply walk into any pub at some point in the afternoon

Everybody is jumping on the Veganuary bandwagon.
There's even a new sex video site.
QuornHub.

What's the difference between Ian Blackford and a set of bagpipes?

You don't have to squeeze Ian Blackford to get a loud, annoying,

screeching, headache-inducing, discordant sound.

"Son you're just not cut out to be a mime."
"Was it something I said?"
"Yes."

My dad was a JCB driver. At his funeral, his work colleagues said that he left behind a hole that will never be filled...

A ten year old lad arrived home from school looking very unhappy,

“What’s wrong?” his father asked him.

“I got a Valentines card, ” he replied.

“That’s nothing to be unhappy about,” his old man said, “it means someone has great affection for you and admires you.”

“It was from Father O’Malley, ”