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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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I just lost my job manufacturing keyboards.
Apparently I wasn’t putting enough shifts in. |
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Vladimir Putin has always been sensitive about his stature.
The fact that he looks like Dobby the elf hasn't gone unnoticed. Before he became a bigwig in the KGB he had several jobs all of which he left after cruel name-calling... His 1st job after leaving school was at a men's outfitters where he got the nickname Vlad the imp taylor. He left the Russian navy after 1 week fed up of being called Vlad the imp sailor... Later he worked as a prison guard and on a whaling ship where he earned similar nicknames. |
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We were shopping yesterday at a high-end store and my wife complained that the whole time she was in there, she was getting closely followed around by this big fat black lady.
I replied, "That's your shadow." |
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1949: Jeremy Corbyn is born
1950: Scientists start working on the first birth control pill Coincidence? |
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It's 11 years today since my best mate came running into my room with tears streaming down his face shouting, it's a boy, it's a boy ! We haven't been back to Thailand since then
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My wife wanted a double entendre for Xmas so I gave her one.
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I got a new fit bit last week.
I won't be telling the wife, though. |
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When I was younger the police asked me, "Can you describe to us the man who stole your phone ?"
I probably should have helped catch the guy, but I had a lot more fun seeing the look on that sketch artist's face as he slowly drew himself. |
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A lorry loaded with Brussels sprouts has overturned in Fife.
The driver said he had trouble controlling the vehicle due to bad wind. |
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I used to be in a band with a residency at the local nudist camp.
We didn't cover anything |
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I served for nine years in the Services and took flak on the frontline every single day...
...selling overpriced fuel, **** and bottles of Coke at Newport Pagnell. |
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Don't blame Christmas.
You were fat in August |
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I got a new fit bit last week.
I won't be telling the wife, though. |
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My wife and I went to the auction mart the other week and we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.' We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR 'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.' I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.' |
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My girlfriend said, "if she could name a song that described her perfectly it would have to be... like a virgin" ...
I said "plane or train?" |
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Well, I've got a new phone, watched some porn, (like you do), set up mobile banking, managed to upload a video, took some HD pics of the dogs, used facebook, checked all my email, nearly bought a car on eBay, had messages of women in my area who want to have sex with me, (I knew this was a scam because one of them was my wife). Now if only I knew how to make a phone call on it, it would be just the job.
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Men treat women as objects! Weird men treat objects as women!!
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^^^flushgordon1
Scientists managed to articially inseminate a cow this week. Honest, no bull |
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My wife told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.
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I got sacked from my job at B&Q for having a paint fight.
They are doing me for gloss misconduct. |
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That awkward moment as a child..when you had to pretend to read your Birthday card after the money had fallen out!!
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Got a job re-chalking the outline of the Cerne Abbas Giant in Dorset...
Everyone was allocated different bits of the giant's body, some got the head some the torso some the giant p*nis ...it's the first time I've ever been given the sack before I'd even started. |
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This year my new years' resolution is to stop using spray can deodorants.
Roll-On 2020 |
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Hundreds queue to try the new Greggs meat-free steak bake.
Having eaten plenty of Greggs real steak bakes I can tell you the meat content is about the same. |
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I've just bought a packet of "easy-cook" rice.
Cooking ordinary rice was getting far too difficult for me, what with having to run water into a pan, pour the rice in and turn the hob on. |
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My new year's resolution is to not have intercourse with supermodels.
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"Mother Superior Refuses to Change Clothes for 20 Years".
That's a nasty habit. |
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An ad in my local paper said, "No job too small", but when I showed him the box of atoms I wanted splitting the man got really shirty!
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I’ve Always said my wife has the eyes of a Movie Star...
Shame it’s Columbo’s though. |
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My cousin and his new wife are massive bugs bunny fans.
They met on WhatsApp. |
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
to get some chips and sweeties Jack can't keep his cholesterol down and Jill has diabetes |
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I warned my pyromaniac mate not to go on tinder.
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My neighbour and her new boyfriend both have osteoporosis.
They met on snapchat |
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Sir Chris Hoy has a sister, Yolanda.
Keen sailor apparently. |
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Scientists have discovered a food that reduces the female sex drive,it's called wedding cake !
How do you transform a fox into an elephant, marry it ! Why do men break wind more often than women,because women don't shut up long enough to accumulate pressure ! |
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I dropped a super huge poo last night.
Just found out it’s now polling third in the Labour leadership contest. |
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Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest ever living man.
He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin |
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just open a Christmas card and a handful of rice fell out of the envelope
it was from my uncle ben |
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Anyone else notice Jeremy Corbyn walking with a slight limp ' apparently he's trying to shrug off shin pain
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"Why do you want my daughter's hand in marriage? asked her father.
"Because I'm tired of using my own," I replied. |