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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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 hand in marriage |
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Gareth Thomas - the first-ever rugby player to get a cauliflower @rse
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I was taking a short cut through the woods this morning and I couldn't help thinking how odd it is that you never see dirty books in bushes anymore, and you never see bushes in dirty books anymore.
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One caveman talking to another says I am teaching the wife to talk, the other replies, well I can't see that doing any harm
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The missus has been nagging me to do more work around the house today so I said, you can put that knife down or you can make the beds yourself
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If Forrest Gump had a computer, would his password be 1Forrest1?
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Show me a Chinese knight ……. And I will show you a chink in his armour.
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The wife took me out for a drive in the countryside and she said to me sexily with a wink "why don't we do something we've never done in the car before"
"Go on then," I said, "put it in 4th gear" |
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Did you know if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and put a flame at the bottom, eventually your testicle will be sucked inside.
If you do know this can you let me know how to reverse it, please? It's quite urgent, thanks. |
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"A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rearview mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140, then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go." The Man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied:- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!! The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "... |
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Women who wear a ‘Wonderbra’ should come with a disclaimer notice:
‘Actual contents may vary from image on display.’ |
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I'm opening a hair salon exclusively for conservative voters.
I'm calling it Tory cuts. |
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Keith Vaz has been voted chair of his local constituency Labour party.
Like electing Michael Barrymore as a lifeguard. |
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A survey has been held regarding Jeremy Corbyn's performance.
1% gave him the "thumbs up". 99% gave him a different finger. |
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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally, he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!' That's when she shot him. |
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Never do a runner from an Ethiopian restaurant.
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Caught You Red Haired
BETTING SHOP, BIGOTRY, UK | RIGHT | MARCH 17, 2019 (It is toward the end of my shift, so I go out to empty the gaming machines to put the money through the tills. As I take the box containing the money, a regular customer comes over and starts a conversation. It should be noted that I have red hair.) Customer: *jokingly* “Are you stealing all the money again?” Me: “I wish it was mine to keep! Sadly, it’s on its way to the tills.” Customer: “Oh, good. People are probably a bit suspicious of you.” Me: “Why’s that?” Customer: “You know how it is. Everyone knows that people who steal tend to be gingers or—“ *leans closer and whispers* “—black people.” Me: *speechless* |
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I’ll Bet That It Won’t End Well For Him
BETTING SHOP, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, ENGLAND, UK, WILD & UNRULY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 11, 2019 (I’m female and work in a betting office or bookies. Customers can get aggressive but I’m well used to it and they don’t intimidate me. I’m on my own as my coworker is out on lunch and there are two customers in line. A regular walks past the customers and slams a betting docket on the counter.) Regular: “That’s going off.” *meaning the race is about to start* Me: “There’s a queue.” Regular: “I don’t care; that’s about to go off.” Me: “And there’s still a queue.” Regular: “B****, take the f****** bet before the race starts.” Me: “No. The race times and odds have been posted since 9:00 am this morning. It’s now 5:00 pm. You had plenty of time to put your bet on. Get in the queue.” Regular: “You don’t want to f****** mess with me. Take the f****** bet.” Me: “No.” Regular: “I will mess you up. Take the f****** bet or you will regret it.” Me: *picking up the betting slip* “Are you really threatening me over a £2 bet at 2/1 odds? The most you could have won is £6. F*** off, and next time, get your bet in earlier. Also, the race is finished and your horse didn’t win, so you saved £2.” Regular: “You’re going to regret this, you dumb b****.” (He storms out and I continue on with my shift. It’s not the first time I’ve been threatened and I have a giggle about it with the remaining customers. At closing my time, just as I’m about to leave, my coworker comes in from the back room where the security cameras are.) Coworker: “Uh [My Name], did you have a run-in with [Regular] earlier?” Me: “Yeah! He tried to skip the queue with a tiny bet right before a race started. I told him to get in the queue and he threatened me. How did you know?” Coworker: “Because he’s in the alley beside the building with a baseball bat.” (My coworker ended up locking us in the shop while we called the police. The regular was arrested and barred from the shop for life. All that over a £2 bet that he wouldn’t have won anyway!) |
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Some crackers on there
,thanks Bigmo... |
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Thanks workrider
For the first time in her life, my missus was stunned into silence last night. Aren't tasers great! |
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Whilst getting ready for work I got p*ssed off with all my coat hangers getting tangled up.
In a rage, I ripped them all out, snapped a load of them and then stamped all over the remains. I think I need to address my hanger management issues. |
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Friend. What you doing for work these days...
Me. I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, people with addictions to gambling and alcohol. That sort of thing. Friend. So charity work. Me. No Wetherspoons. |
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Posted elsewhere
I remember when I was at a U2 concert years ago, Bonno was going on his usual "help Africa" rant in between songs. He asked everyone to start clapping so everyone put their hands above their heads and started clapping in time with Bonno. Bonno said, "Every time we clap an African dies". Them someone in the audience shouted out "well stop f*cking clapping then !" True story. |
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Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Google asks where I am. The internet has turned into my girlfriend
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Everyday my 90-year-old neighbour who has Alzheimer's knocks on my door and asks me if I've seen his wife.
And every day I have to tell that 90-year-old man his wife has been long dead. You know I have thought of not answering the door I have even thought about moving house. But you know it's worth it, each time just to see the smile on his face... |
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Terry Jones finds himself in hell in front of the Devil.
Terry says "why? what did I do wrong?" The Devil says I've got a note here from Jesus it says "he is the messiah and you're a very naughty boy" |
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4 passengers on a plane about to crash, found out there were only 3 parachutes on board. The first passenger said"I'm a famous baseball player and my fans need me", he grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The second person said{"I'm Donald Trump, I'm so clever, my people worship and need me" he grabbed one and jumped. The pope said to a 12-year boy" I'm an old man I've had a good life I'm prepared to meet my god so you take the parachute".The 12-year-old said, "don't worry, we have 2 parachutes the clever one took my school bag". |
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I honestly don't know how devout Muslims can follow all the rules of the Qur'an.
The one in our corner shop can't even follow the rule of 'Multi-pack: not to be sold separately.' |
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Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday
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Monkey chants from the crowd?
Have you ever tried eating a scolding hot pie quietly? |
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Sent my hearing aid away 3 months ago for repair, heard nothing since...
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49999 fans chanting
1 fan racist chanting that should be a celebration there are so few of them sorry bigmo |
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An Irishman is walking through a field when he sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand....
Paddy shouts; “Ná ól an t-uisce sin! Tá sé lán de chac bó!” (Don’t drink that water! It’s full of cow ****!) The man shouts back; “I’m English, speak English.. I don’t understand you” Paddy replies; “Use both hands, you’ll get more in!” |
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I just found out my girlfriend is a ghost...
To be honest I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door |
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I accidentally dialled 999 from my mobile phone last night.
So I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid. |
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BBC News: ‘Jess Phillips pulls out’.
Shame her dad didn't. |
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My wife is a true patriotic Scot.
She burns supper every night. |
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My mate is having a joint Burns night and Chinese new year celebration party. He's going to call it Chinese Burns Party.
I wasn't going to go but he twisted my arm |
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Charles: There's no I in team, son. You need to stay with the family firm.
Harry: That's the problem, papa. I've been warned there'll be no Me in Meghan unless we move to Canada. |