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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Back from Tenerife. Apologies if already posted.
UK Virus ALERT The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.” The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.” Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. |
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually, she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck the pin in her. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR AR*E!" |
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 back with couple of good ones bigmo. |
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Loved the 23rd psalm bigmo
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I texted my girlfriend saying: "I'm not going out with u anymore. I can't stand ur endless criticizm 'n name calling"
She texted back: "That's not how you spell criticism, idiot". |
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If anyone gets an email saying that tinned meat can give you coronavirus...
...….delete it! It's probably just spam. |
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A forklift driver at the Nestle factory dropped a pallet of chocolate bars on himself and was trapped underneath them for 2 days!!
Apparently, every time he yelled "the Milkybars are on me", everyone just cheered... |
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You've got to hand it to my mate. He tried to keep his kids in school for next week by claiming he was a key worker because he's employed by Timpson
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TWO CONSPIRACY THEORIST DIE...
...as they stand before God waiting to be judged, God tells them that they each may ask him one question they have always wanted to be answered and he would answer it. One of the conspiracy theorists steps forward and asks “who was REALLY behind 9/11?” Before God can answer, the second one steps forward and says “can you confirm that vaccines cause autism and tell us who stands to profit from their continued use?” God replies “9/11 was planned by Osama bin Laden and carried out by members of Al-Qaeda. Vaccines do not cause autism, and the only people profiting from their use are the people who are no longer dying from preventable diseases.” The two men both look crestfallen. One of them leans over and whispers in the other’s ear... “Dude! This **** goes higher than we ever realised!!” |
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I was in Morrison's on our food run, for our essentials. 200 bog rolls, a hundredweight of babywipes, gallons of hand gel, the whole 9 yards.
Anyway when I got to the till, there was an old woman behind me with just a packet of Rich Tea biscuits and a tin of dog food. So I said, "You go first love, you've only got a couple of things". In tears she was. Bless. |
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Said to my doctor, "I can't stop singing Dean Martin and Bing Crosby songs.
He said, "You've got crooner virus..." |
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Wan Lang Puhtt is winning the Chinese golf open.
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I was in Morrisons and the guy in front of me bought all the crab,lobsters and mussels they had.
You shellfish b@stard I said. |
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My Chinese neighbour had Waffles for breakfast.
B@stard I loved that cat. |
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Id have been more worried if yer put
B@stard I loved that bat. |
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 at Geoff |
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A worker at John Lennon Liverpool airport has been tested positive of corona virus.Everybody else has been sent home.Imagine , all the people.
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Tescos, good, occasionally busy later.
Sainsbury's, moderate to good, sale on Corn Flakes. Asda, slight to moderate, heavy crowds by evening. Marks and Spencers and Co-Op, fair. Waitrose fair to moderate, spillage in aisle 7. Lidl, rough at first, moderate later. And that's the end of the Shopping Forecast. |
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My local supermarket has bouncers on the door now. I said to him 'trainers alright tonight mate?' I was feeling smug until he replied back 'sorry, no gingers tonight pal'.
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Mr Macron has advised the French people not to go near elderly relatives
who may be susceptible to coronavirus. Seems a bit harsh on Mrs Macron |
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A lorry carrying Vicks vapour rub has crashed on the M1. Police say there will be no congestion for six hours.
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Judging how folks where stood in the supermarket queue my c@ck must be 2 metres long.
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Fella in front of me at Tescos had a trolley full of Oxo cubes..... Thought to myself 'there's another stockpiler'.....
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I asked my wife to dress up in her nurses uniform, she got all exited and asked what are you going to do to me!
I said, i'm going to drive you to the supermarket to get a loaf of bread. |
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best thread on forum by a mile . keep it up you lot ...especially in the next 3 weeks .
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Unconfirmed reports that Diane Abbott has COVID-27...
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Paranoia has reached absurd levels...
I coughed in front of the laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own. |
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Walk with Me, as I age
I hope this message has the same effect on you as it did on me then my forwarding it will be worth the effort. Walk with me by the water, worth the read... A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLDER: Fck..*#***...I forgot the words.... |
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My wife just shouted from the next room "Do you get a shooting pain like someone is sticking a needle in a voodoo doll". Puzzled, I replied "No?", she said, "How about now?"
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A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting “ the end of the world is nigh!!!!” I think it was Farmer Geddon.
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With everything going on in the world today, the uncertainty and the sorrow, it’s important to have no regrets and to be at peace with yourself. I heard a Dr. on TV say that to have inner peace, we all could use more calm in our lives and we should always finish things we start.
I looked through my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished. So, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, half a bottle of Scotch, remainder of a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how f*ckin fablus I fel rite nwo. Sned this to all who need inner p1ss. An telum u luvum. And two al av a hairy meester. Urll mi bezt maytes yousare... |
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Meanwhile in Pakistan
"What the f*ck is toilet paper " |
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Diane Abbott has asked the BBC to stop filming Casualty and Holby City so that the staff can help out with Coronavirus.
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I'm going to sell all my john Lennon memorabilia on eBay...imagine all the PayPal
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If Madness had come from Liverpool.
I like driving in your car |
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I discreetly took a moment to check my private emails at work and found it hard not to laugh at the attempts of some Nigerians to cheat me out of money.
But then I remembered that I work at a benefits office. |
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I considered posting a joke about Vicars with no underwear but then I thought, no-one, wants another joke about Knickerless Parsons.
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If you get an email entitled "knock knock" DO NOT OPEN IT!
It's from Jehovah’s working from home |
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I know a guy who was pretty poorly and was put on one of those new Dyson ventilators.
He's picking up nicely..... |