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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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I used to go out with an English Teacher but we eventually broke up because she disliked my improper use of the colon.
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An Indian, a Frenchman, a Swede, a Brazilian, an Australian, a Chinaman, a German, an American, a Canadian, an Italian, a South African, a Scotsman, a Dane, an Argentinian, a Nigerian and a Russian walked into a bar. But the barman said; “You can’t come in here without a Thai”
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What's long,black and thin and full of c-men?
A submarine! |
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I had some bad news yesterday. My old friend Gavin died. Choked to death on an indigestion tablet. It's hard to believe that Gavisgone...
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News from the Bicycle Wheel Manufacturers Association is that they've appointed a new spokes-person
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Marti Pellow has been diagnosed with ......
arthritis, he told reporters, "I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes. |
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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.
"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right." "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" Saul replied enthusiastically The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary." |
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My mate had to sack his East European cleaner as it took her 4 hours to hoover the lounge. She was a Slovak.
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My mate from work spent all his money on a complete sex change.
Now he hasn't got a sausage. |
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A penguin takes his car to his local garage, the mechanic says I'm just finishing this car off come back in 1/2 hour and I'll tell you what the problem is.
With time to kill, and it's a hot day the penguin sees an ice cream parlour opposite so goes in and buys one. The poor little guy has no hands so he makes a right mess and gets it all over his beak. With the 1/2 hour up goes back ito the garage and the mechanic says it looks like you blew a seal, No! no! he says that just ice cream! |
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Wayne Rooney is suing Tesco for putting his signature on their hot cross buns.
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Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barbershop in Washington, close to where Obama's now live.
It's a barbers shop that has met with all the strict homeland security requirements, so maybe it's not all that surprising. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. The Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like". |
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I call one of my dogs greyhound on account of he's the greyest.
I call another dog happy on account of he's the gayest. I call the big dog meanie on account of he's the meanest. And I call the pup Liberace, on account of he's the peein'est! (c) Benny Hill |
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clap for big mo oooops!!!!
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I mean the clap should be for big mo
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no I don't - I mean a big all round clap for bigmo
keep it up - it is fun - keeping it up I mean carry on with the good work sorry I couldn't resist it!! |
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moisok
 A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose. “Why not?” asked the man. “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” said the man. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor. The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.” The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.” On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, “What happened to you?” The man said, “No one showed up.” |
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Apologies if I said this joke before, I know I put some up about 8 years ago on this thread, but anyway...
Funny you should mention that regvarney. I happened to notice this thread has been running for about nine years in June this year. Was quite shocked when I noticed. Where has all the time gone? |
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Bloke's Mrs was in a deep coma but before they turned the machines off the doctor informed the husband that when they did the last scan there appeared to be a sign of life when the scanner went over the va gi nal area, so he suggested to the bloke that oral s e x might bring her round.
The bloke said fair enough but said he wouldn't do it in front of a bunch of doctor's and nurses. The doctor said no problem, we'll set up some screens and watch his Mrs's progress on the monitors from behind the screens. After about 10 minutes of the bloke and his Mrs being alone together the doctors rush into the room in a blind panic screaming that she's flat lined. They ask the husband what happened...in reply the husband says "I'm no expert but I reckon she choked on it"!!! |
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Stephen Hawking goes out for a one night stand.
Hour later he's back home covered in cuts and bruises His mum asks what happened..he replies.. She stood me up!! |
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big mo
I laughed out loud at that arm in a sling terrific stuff |
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What is the most common owl in Britain?
The teat owl |
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Donald Trump says to Mike Pence, "The less immigrants we allow in, the better."
Pence says, "The fewer". Trump says, "I told you not to call me that yet." |
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My therapist say's I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Well, we'll see about that.
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I got my son a stripper for his birthday.
My wife wasn't impressed, but it's not every day you turn 4. |
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My dad was a foster father, my mum however preferred Carlsberg.
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Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
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There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
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My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
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Had a heavy drinking night at the office party last xmas and woke up with misgivings. She wasn't too impressed about it
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The CIA needed a new assassin. They opened a position for that kind of an agent. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to three possible agents. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the conditions.”
CIA agent talked: “Inside the room, you will find your wife sitting on a chair… We need you to kill her.” Candidate man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” CIA agent replied, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.” The second candidate man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t know what you are missing. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, the last candidate man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his forehead. “Some imbecile loaded the gun with blanks,” he said. “I had to strangle that b*tch to death.” |
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I was invited to make the keynote speech at the Freudian Appreciation Society AGM.
My mother and father turned up to criticise me. |
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Teacher asks, can you give me a multi-syllable word. Sarah puts her hand up and says mas-tur-bate. Teacher says, wow Sarah, that's a mouthful. No miss you're thinking of a ****.
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I am absolutely stinking.
When are we allowed to shower instead of just washing our hands. |
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The CIA needed a new assassin. They opened a position for that kind of an agent. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to three possible agents. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the conditions.”
CIA agent talked: “Inside the room, you will find your wife sitting on a chair… We need you to kill her.” Candidate man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” CIA agent replied, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.” The second candidate man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t know what you are missing. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, the last candidate man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his forehead. “Some imbecile loaded the gun with blanks,” he said. “I had to strangle that b*tch to death.” |
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On a golf course in Ireland, an American tourist went to play a game. He hired a buggy and a caddy, but had no one to play with and asked the caddy to play with him. So they had a game and the caddy won.
American chap asks if the caddy would accept payment to play again tomorrow and the caddy agreed. "What time do you want to meet?" asked the yank. "10 am, but I might be half an hour late," says Paddy (the caddy). Next morning the American is there at 10, and Paddy is waiting for him. Paddy has a set of right-handed clubs and goes on to beat the American. American asks again if Paddy would play him the next day, and he'd pay him $200 if he wins, and Paddy agreed.n "10 am, but I might be half an hour late". Next day, Paddy is there at 10 sharp when the American arrives. This time Paddy has a set of left-handed clubs and goes on to win the game again. American chap is overawed and says he's never seen anyone play with one hand one day and the other hand the next day and asks Paddy how he achieves this feat. "well, it's my wife, you see. In the morning I wake up and if she's lying on her right side, I play right-handed, and if she's lying on her left side I play left-handed". "But what if she's lying on her back?" asks the tourist. "Well then, I'll be half an hour late." |
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Two scientists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a glass of H20" the second says "I'll have a glass of H2O too"
The second scientist died. |
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together. ‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’ The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking! |
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If you have to make a mask out of your wifes bra, use the left cup!
Don't go out looking like a right tit! |
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Dave has been stuck at home for 3 weeks now, wrapped in Electricians Tape.
He's Self Insulating. |