Chit Chat
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 14,654
|
By:
PRETEND you're Andy Murray in the pub tonight by struggling through the earlier "rounds".
|
|
By:
MICHAEL GOVE. Avert a teachers' strike by telling them it's their time they're wasting, not yours.
|
|
By:
im training to be a pasta chef..its going well except for a fusilli mistakes.
|
|
By:
**** myself last night.
I was at the airport having a beer when a ****g muslim rushed in screaming allah, allah, allah, allah…. alava can of coke and a bag of nuts please. Stuttering b*stard ! |
|
By:
THE CHAVS PRAYER...
Our boyfriend who art in prison. Even mum knows not dads name. Thy chavdom come, you'll read the sun, in Exmouth which is in Devon. Give us this day our welfare bread and forgive us our ASBO'S as we happy slap those who got ASBO'S against us. Lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing. For thine is the chavdom, The burberry and The bacardi, Forever and Ever... INNIT |
|
By:
Woman says to her hubby .
"When you go shopping , get two cartons of milk , and if they have eggs , get half a dozen ." Man returns later with six cartons of milk . "Why the heck did you buy all that milk ?" the wife asked , furiously . He replied . "They had eggs ." |
|
By:
FOOL strangers into thinking you're a time traveller from the past by having no strong feelings about Nick Clegg.
|
|
By:
I found a hole in my trainer...big enough to get a finger in.....
Unfortunately she's now made a complaint and I've been banned from the gym |
|
By:
Finally picked up this little beauty in the pub.
I told her we were going to do it good, proper and hard in the kitchen, the living room,the bathroom and the bedroom. She was well up for it saying " wow you have got some serious stamina!" She did seem disappointed when we got back to my caravan though. |
|
By:
**** myself last night.
I was at the airport having a beer when a ****g muslim rushed in screaming allah, allah, allah, allah…. alava can of coke and a bag of nuts please. Stuttering b*stard !  |
|
By:
im hosting an african themed party tonight.. theres no food an the drinks are 12 miles away
|
|
By:
After sex last night my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had"
Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response. |
|
By:
Greece voting for austerity would be like a turkey voting for Christmas.
And Greece doesn't like Turkey. |
|
By:
Got a phone call from my mate last night. He had just got back from a day out in London and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free.
I asked, ''Where did you get that?'' He said 'I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was in Trafalgar Square and was just passing the time of day with them. After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his camera. They lined up as a group against one of the lions and were all smiling at the camera. Just as I was about to click the button I shouted WAVE and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again!' |
|
By:
Serena & Venus are talking:
Serena: "I think dad might be putting some steroids into our morning milkshakes." Venus: "What makes you say that?" Serena: "I've started to notice hair growing in places I've never had hair grow before!" Venus: "Really? Where abouts?" Serena: "On my testicles." |
|
By:
A middle aged Married Woman with seven Kids .
To please her husband She Decides to have a Nip and tuck operation downstairs . After waking up after the operation She notices that there are three thank you Cards at the side of the Bed . She asks the Nurse " Who Sent The Cards " ? Well the Nurse "First Card is off Your Husband who loves you " The second card is off The Surgeon for allowing him to perform this pioneering operation . And the Third Card is off Brian in the Burns unit . The Woman said " I don't know any one named Brian in the Burns unit ? The Nurse Said I know you don't know Brian . But he insisted on sending you a card . Thanking you for His New Ears. |
|
By:
I came home steaming drunk the other night. Took me ages to get in the front door. Managed to stumble up the stairs, tripped on the top step and head butter the bedroom door. As I peered in through the darkness, I saw my best mate.snuggled up to the missus. Bastard. So I went downstairs, to my secret hiding place a fetched my hidden shotgun. I went back upstairs and shot my mate, point blank. Killed him.
The missus woke up in a startled daze. "you need to calm down" she said. "Sooner or later, you'll have no mates left" |
|
By:
Aaron Lennon takes it on his chest and brings it down, passes it to Bassong who runs with it before laying it off to Huddlestone; Defoe spots a window and makes a run, Huddlestone sees him, makes the pass and Defoe puts it away nicely. "Right lads," says Palacios, "Let's get one more Plasma before the facking pigs get here."
|
|
By:
bigmo you really are fantastic with your brilliant jokes.You should be on stage. Thanks alot for such a great thread you should be proud of yourself
 |
|
By:
The missus woke up in a startled daze. "you need to calm down" she said. "Sooner or later, you'll have no mates left"
|
|
By:
Wife wakes up on saturday morning & says " I was expecting breakfast in bed today", I said "You should have slept in the kitchen then".
|
|
By:
serena and venus LOL
|
|
By:
Thanks chough. It's nice to read people areenjoying the jokes.
|
|
By:
On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it . . . "I do not." |
|
By:
why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
'cos the sheep can hear a zipper from a couple of hundred yards! |
|
By:
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an
audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there're no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting...... "Dopey shagged a penguin!" "Dopey shagged a penguin!"................ |
|
By:
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a text message from the boat It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and it had a pearl worth £50,000 .....please advise" The old man texted back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap" |
|
By:
At an watch auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!" |
|
By:
Just lost my job as a personal shopper in a major department store. A woman asked me "What type of watch would best suit an Afro Caribbean gentleman?"
It would seem that my answer of "A neighbourhood one", was not appreciated |
|
By:
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
couple of Swan Vesta's.....his little face lit up when he tried to walk. |
|
By:
I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring
tone was. I said "light brown like everyone else's". These young women are certainly more forward these days. |
|
By:
 |
|
By:
Thieving and looting across the country. London calls it 'an abomination', Birmingham calls it 'a disgrace', Liverpool calls it 'a Monday'
|
|
By:
his little face lit up when he tried to walk.
Genuine |
|
By:
A group of men at Hampton Court Palace have been spotted wearing heraldic dress and playing instruments.
This luting is getting out of control...! |
|
By:
his little face lit up when he tried to walk. Quality Sultan.
|
|
By:
the butterfly collector
im hosting an african themed party tonight.. theres no food an the drinks are 12 miles away |
|
By:
I looked out on the destruction. Smashed windows, cars turned upside down, a bus on fire, people running scared, police unsure what move to make. . . .
I turned to the wife and said 'Chin up darling, you did your best, but maybe I should park the car!' |
|
By:
...Slightly better news from the Palace Reserves, where the young Iraqi kid Rahim Saeed, spotted by a Palace fan while in the British Army in the slums of Baghdad and flown back for a trial this summer, made his debut against Chelsea, coming on as Palace were 0-2 down. After scoring a late hat-trick, and winning the game for Palace 3-2, the manager was not surprisingly thrilled.
"You did well son", he said. "Get showered, and then go up to my office, call home and tell your family how well you did." He did as he was told, and called home. "Hi Mum, it's Raheed. We played Chelsea today, and we were 2-nil down, and I came on and scored three and we won 3-2". His Mum sounded less than thrilled. "Well, I'm glad things are so good for you son, but they're not that great here. The house has been set on fire, your Dad's been shot, and your sister's been raped." Oh Mum, I'm so sorry." "Yeah, well you should be - it's your fault we moved to Croydon in the first place." |
|
By:
^ 1/10
took way too long to read and it's one of the oldest on record |