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I made a blinding speech at my mates wedding...
I said " I hope you both enjoy your honeymoon in Wales" He replied "we're not going to Wales" But I said "I thought you were going to Bangor for 2 weeks" |
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your ar*e and go as a toffee apple. |
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A well heeled businessman is driving around his home town one day in his prized silver BMW and pulls up to a set of traffic lights just as they turn red. Seconds later a Mini pulls up next to him. Both he and the Mini driver exchange glances.
The businessman looks down his nose at the little red car, which doesn't go un-noticed by the Mini driver. So as they both wait for the lights to turn green, the Beemer man presses a button and lowers his electric window, watching it as it smoothly lowers itself into the body of the door. He is a little surprised to see the Mini driver look up at him and press a button in his little car. His window also lowers itself electrically. The businessman counters by pressing another button in the BMW. The roof slowly peels back and disappears into a compartment at the back of the car. "Beat that" he thinks and looks down at the little mini with a smirk. To his annoyance, the Mini driver presses a button in his car, and his roof slowly peels back and conceals itself away in it's own little compartment just as smoothly as it did in the BMW. The business guy can't believe it and is now well and truly pissed off. As he glares down into the Mini, desperately thinking of something else to press, the Mini driver hits another button on his dashboard. The passenger seat and rear seats in the wee car fold away and upside down to turn into a luxury bed, complete with duvet, pillows, headboard and even a little bedside cabinet on which rests a brightly shining reading lamp. The lights turn green and the Mini speeds off. The Businessman sits motionless for several moments. He is gutted. When he has re-gathered his composure, his anger kicks in and he drives straight to his BMW dealer. He relays the details and insists that he have the same things installed in his car, no matter what the cost. Despite BMW's protestations and some $45,000 worse off, a week later he is back in his BMW, bed, and all ..... plus some. He is determined to find the Mini owner and shove it to him. So he spends all day driving around and around and as night falls is about to give up, when he finally sees the little red car parked up in a lay-by. As he quietly motors nearer he can see that all the windows are steamed up. "Perfect", he thinks to himself. He drives up alongside the little car and lowers his window. He leans out and taps on the Mini's window ......... ......... and waits. Nothing. He taps again, a bit louder this time and hoots his horn. Still nothing. So he bangs on the window and leans on his horn and screams out "COME ON OUT, YOU LITTLE ****... ........ STOP YOUR SHAGGING.........I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU." Finally, the Mini's window lowers and out pops the drivers head, all covered in sweat. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?" shouts the Mini driver. "Look at this," the business guy replies. He presses his shiny new button and watches with great pleasure as all the seats in the BMW fold away and turn into a luxury bed. The sheets and duvet are exposed as is the headboard, bedside table and reading lamp. In addition there is a coffee percolator, a telephone, TV, VCR and DVD player plus stereo system with a 10stack CD shuttle. All snap neatly into position. He knows that everything is just that little bit bigger and better than the one in the Mini. "Well what do you think of all this then?" he asks smugly. The Mini driver looks at him in disgust. "You got me out of the shower just to show me that?" |
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I really hope this is true......
On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down: DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?" Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have." DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please." Contestant: "Brian." DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?" Brian: "Yes." DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?" Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married." DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please." Brian: "Sara." DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?" Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work." DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!" Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..." DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?" Brian: "About 10 minutes." DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake." Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?" Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..." DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..." DJ: "Uh huh..." Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: "On the kitchen table." DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.) DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing) Clerk: "Kinkos." DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?" Clerk: "This is she." DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now." Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?" DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?" Sarah: "No." DJ: "Good!" Brian: (laughing) Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?" Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest." DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?" Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work." DJ: "What time?" Sarah: "Around 8 this morning." DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?" Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe." DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Where did you have it?" Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?" Brian: "Just tell him, honey." DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?" Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..." DJ: "She saw?" Sarah: "BRIAN?!" Brian: "No, no I didn't..." DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?" Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this." Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida." DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?" Sarah: (short pause) "In the a*s." (long, long pause) DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors." |
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A Welsh man, a sheep, and a dog were marooned on a desert island. Each night they would sit together and watch the sun set. One night as they sat there, the Welsh man slipped his arm around the sheep causing the dog to snarl so loudly that the Welsh man pulled his arm back hastily! One day a beautiful woman floated up on the beach. He thought this was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life! When she had fully recovered she joined them in their evening sunset watches. One glorious night the Welsh man leaned over to the beautiful woman and whispered in her ear................................
"would you mind taking the dog for a walk???" |
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Fifty years ago,if you had a load of white guy's chasing a black you would think the ku klux klan
Now its called the USPGA |
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a chap was walking round town with a cauliflower cheese on his head!
"why are you walking round with a cauliflower cheese on yer head", said a stranger "i always walk round like this on a friday" sez chap "but its saturday today" sez stranger "oooo i do feel like a fool" sez bloke!!!!! |
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please spare a thought for....
Ngongo Mwambi has to travel 7 miles every day for fresh water and food...........This is because he torched the Spar and KFC on Tottenham High St and now has to walk to Brixton for breakfast! |
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We used to riot for fun but it's becoming too commercial these days.
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bigmo
I really hope this is true...... Nope, but it's been well used by Chubby Brown and others. |
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During the recent riots two Irishmen broke into the Kilburn branch of Ládbrokes and lost £50.
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A woman's dog is drowning in the sea. A passing German dwarf dives in, pulls out the dog, resuscitates it & saves its life. "Are you a little vet?" asked the woman.
"A little Vet?" said the German dwarf, "I'm fercking soaked!" |
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at least 20 A+ jokes in the thread
keep 'em coming! |
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tom jones,madonna and elton john go on the lash and get bladdered.madonna trips and gets her head stuck through some rails.tom jones seizes his chance and gives her a good rodgering from behind while elton looks on.
"do you want a go elton?" says tom "id like to but i dont think my head will fit" sez elton!!! |
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A woman walks into a brothel and asks the Madam if she has any 16 year old girls.
"Sorry," the Madam replies. "We don't serve minors to lickers." |
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A policeman pulls over a redhead looks at her license and says to her
"your license here says you're a blonde." "Yes I am," the woman replies, "but I died my hair blonde because I was tired of all the blonde jokes." So the policeman starts undoing his belt "Oh no," the woman yells, "not another breathalyser test." |
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An old Jewish string salesman goes up to the new buyer at Marks and Spencer who happens to be a real anti semite.
"Will you buy some string from me?" the Jewish man asks. "Sure I will," the buyer answers, "but only the length from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis." The buyer laughs and the old Jewish guy leaves. The next day the buyer comes to work and sees 2 large trucks filled with nothing but string. The buyer immediately calls the Jewish salesman "You fool. I said I would buy string from you but only the length from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis." "I know," the salesman answers, "and the tip of my nose is here while the tip of my penis is someplace in Poland." |
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i said to my missus,"why do you have that great big handbag when theres f##k all in it"
she said,"well you wear underpants!!!!!!!" |
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I would just like to share an experience with you and it has to do with drinking and driving. I have had brushes with the authorities on the way home from the odd event over the years. Well I have done something about it: ....
Last night I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had way too much beer and wine. Knowing full well I was drunk, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before. |
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My wife has left me because I'm a compulsive gambler.......
.........I'd do anything to win her back |
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Of course, you know the difference between an Essex girl and an Essex bloke, don't you? The Essex girl has the higher sperm count.
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Two african doctors were arguing outside an operating theatre at a London Hospital when an irish matron walked up to them.
The first one told his colleague, "I tell you it is spelt W-O-O-M" The second one said, "No, no man! You don't know what you're talking about, it is spelt W-U-M-B" The matron interrupted and said "I am afraid both you gentlemen are wrong, it is actually spelt W-O-M-B" They both stared at her incredulously for a few seconds and then one of them said, "Madam, I don't believe you've ever seen a water buffalo let alone heard one breaking wind underwater!" |
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why do leprechauns always wear two condoms?
to be sure, to be sure. |
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A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.
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My mate went for a tattoo of an indian warrior on his back. Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand".
The tattooist said "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!!!" |
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Whenever I go on the pull, I always look for a woman who has a tattoo
I see a woman with a tattoo and I think "here's a bird who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future." |
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A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.
Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.' 'Well done Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?' Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My Gran says there's a bug going round and it's contagious.' 'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?' Little Johnny jumps up and says, 'Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious. |
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Two Italian men are at a restaurant and the first says to the other.
"First Emma **** then I ****. Two asses come together and I **** again. Two asses come together once more and I **** again. Pee twice and I **** again." A disgusted woman looks at the two and says "I don't care what it's like in your country but in Britain we don't discuss our sexual lives in public." The first Italian guy looks at her perplexed and says "Lady what you talkin' about? I just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi." |
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Hmm. No idea why it blanked out those words let's try again
Two Italian men are at a restaurant and the first says to the other. "First Emma come then I come. Two asses come together and I come again. Two asses come together once more and I come again. Pee twice and I come again." A disgusted woman looks at the two and says "I don't care what it's like in your country but in Britain we don't discuss our sexual lives in public." The first Italian guy looks at her perplexed and says "Lady what you talkin' about? I just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi." |
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So **** is a banned word huh?
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So C U M is a banned word
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BBC News is reporting that CCTV footage of monday's riots are showing a black man running out of PC World with a few laptops and other electronics. They are saying that this man ran out of the store and within a few seconds tripped over himself and fell flat on his face in a heap.
BBC News can now confirm this was indeed Emile Heskey. |
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How do they it was Emile Heskey?
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goggles15
12 Aug 11 19:29 BBC News is reporting that CCTV footage of monday's riots are showing a black man running out of PC World with a few laptops and other electronics. They are saying that this man ran out of the store and within a few seconds tripped over himself and fell flat on his face in a heap. BBC News can now confirm this was indeed Emile Heskey. This was is funny if your six |
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Why would been six mean you know emile Heskey?
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fair point it had no place on a joke fred
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I am not called fred, but thanks for the attention Cowboy.
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A man goes into Angus & Robertson's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant.
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title. She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man said, "that's the one, I'll take a copy." |
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Found myself in a female nudist colony the other day. The first few hours were the hardest.
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What did the leper say to the prostitute after they'd finished and he'd paid her?
"Keep the tip." |