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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Bigmo...love your jokes mate, I actually pinch most of the one liner ones and use them as my facebook status so all my mates can get a good laugh out of them...keep it up (makes me look funny)
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what do you call an indian lesbian?
minge eater |
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what do you call an irish lesbian?
a gay lick |
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bloke went to docs with terrible injury to his bum
doc says "what happened" bloke says "i was raped by an elephant" doc says "iv seen an elephants todge its not that big" bloke sez "bastar d fingered me first" |
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i crossed a rottweiler with a saint bernard
basta rd bit me then went to get help |
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bloke didnt feel well,went to docs for tests
doc sez "oh dear,you have gash" bloke sez "whats that" doc sez " a mixture of gonherreah,aids syphillis,and herpes" "what happens, sez the doc, is we send you to a remote cottage and feed you on kippers and pancakes" "will that cure me sez the bloke " "feck knows,its the only thing we can slide under the door" |
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^
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Thanks KangaMick.
My Dad's 83 years old and I call him Spiderman Not because he's superhuman, but because he can't get out of the bath! |
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I phoned up the local Indian takeaway last night… I said do you deliver… they said no, just chicken and lamb.
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We went into the local Indian restaurant and were eating our meal when the waiter came over and said curry ok.
To which I replied go on then mate one song then sling your hook.......... |
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
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Man wakes up and asks wife...do you want a coffee or sex?... she says.. I'm not bothered, they'll both will be instant.
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The irish navy have sent four ships to Iraq. Three are carrying sand and one is carrying cement. Apparently they are going to launch a morter attack.
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I think we know where that Bob Monkhouse joke book went.... Bigmo nicked it...
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i bumped into my female black neighbour pushing a pram with her one year old son in it,
"aaaaa is he teething yet" i said, "give him chance he cant walk yet" she replied |
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a man went to docs
"every time i play the violin i get an erection"he said "play the violin" the doc said he did,they both got an hard on. the doc fetches his mate "play the violin" sez doc. all 3 get an hard on!!! the 2 docs have a whispered discussion "we think we know whats up" sez 1st doc "oh whats that?" sez chap "you play the violin like a c unt" |
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a man went to docs
"every time i play the violin i get an erection"he said "play the violin" the doc said he did,they both got an hard on. the doc fetches his mate "play the violin" sez doc. all 3 get an hard on!!! the 2 docs have a whispered discussion "we think we know whats up" sez 1st doc "oh whats that?" sez chap "you play the violin like a c unt" |
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RMB2312 10 Aug 11 12:04
i bumped into my female black neighbour pushing a pram with her one year old son in it, "aaaaa is he teething yet" i said, "give him chance he cant walk yet" she replied |
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A bloke walks into the doctor with a cricket ball up his backside.The doctor says'Howzat'? Bloke replies "Don't you flipping start"
I've just been banned fronm B&Q some bloke dressed in orange overalls asked me if i wanted decking so i got one in first. |
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a rastafarian went to the job centre
"i want a job man" he sez "im sick of getting up at 2 in the afternoon,going in the bookies all day,selling drugs and shafting white women" the job centre chap sez "we have one here for a personal assistant for a blonde 18 year old millionairess,you have to accompany her 10 times a year to places like hawai,you get use of a top of the range merc,a penthouse flat and £50k a year" "your joking maaan" sez rastas "well you feckin started "it sez bloke!!!! |
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85 year old woman sez to hubby
"we aint got long left,would you give me oral one last time?" "ok,no prob",old man sez down the covers he goes "FECK ME,that stinks he sez" woman sez "sorry,its me artheritis" "you dont get that in your fanlight" he sez "no its in my elbow, i cant wipe my ars e properly"!!!!!! |
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a paedo was walking into a forest with a young kid
"its dark in here" sez the kid nervously paedo sez "its ok for you,iv got to come out on my own"!!!!!!![:(] |
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'He's leaving, friday.'
'Who?' 'Robinson Crusoe' 'Bit of a dark horse, that one.' 'Who?' 'Black Beauty'. |
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bloke takes his wife for tests at hospital
doc sez "the tests show shes either got alzheimers or aids" "what shall i do?" sez hubby "put her on the bus and if she finds her way home dont sh** her" |
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Why does Noddy wear a blue hat with bells on... ?
Because he's a coont. |
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'All that money and they behave like pigs'
'Who ?' 'Pinky and Perky' 'He's a monkey bastard' 'Who ?' 'King Kong' 'He takes your breath away' 'Who' The Boston Strangler' 'Knock knock' 'who's there ?' 'Avon, your bells knackered' 'Knock knock' 'who's there ?' 'M. A. B. it's a big horse' 'M. A. B. it's a big horse who ? 'M. A. B. it's a big horse I'm a Londoner....' |
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The met will be using water cannon in london tonight with the addition of a little persil to stop the coloureds running.
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car
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Police are using water cannons in London tonight with a touch of Persil. This will stop the colours from running apparently.
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why do black men wear baggy trousers???
there knee grows |
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JackCole 10 Aug 11 16:28
'All that money and they behave like pigs' 'Who ?' 'Pinky and Perky' 'He's a monkey bastard' 'Who ?' 'King Kong' 'He takes your breath away' 'Who' The Boston Strangler' 'Knock knock' 'who's there ?' 'Avon, your bells knackered' 'Knock knock' 'who's there ?' 'M. A. B. it's a big horse' 'M. A. B. it's a big horse who ? 'M. A. B. it's a big horse I'm a Londoner....' Nice to see Someone s catering for the over 60s on this thread. Some of the oldest jokes ever |
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I'm not a comedian, do you expect me to write new ones ? If you want alleged racist jokes, jokes about poofs, lesbians or religion, I can do those, but the left wing nancy boys will phone the Feds inside of 5 minutes.
PLEASE NOTE : If anybody intends to post alleged racist jokes, please note that trAvellers and the french can be Gjoked about at any length, just leave the non-whites alone, or you'll upset the luvvies. 'You, pick them peanuts up, get that ***** **** and fack off' - is the punchline to my favourite joke. Shame it's a visual one. |
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A guy walks into a doctor's office with a carrot in each nostril, a celery stick in one ear and a breadstick in his other ear.
"Doc I feel terrible. Any idea what's wrong with me?" "Yes," the doctor answers, "you're not eating right." |
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Well apart from a couple (who shall remain nameless) that was a waste of a forum page.
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Local travel agency is giving FREE World Cruise to OAPs. Mind you, it says in the small print that they have to be accompanied by their parents.
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My pal lost an eye in an accident and received an artificial one which was made entirely from wood. At the dancing one night, everbody was having a great time except a plain looking young woman with a hunch back who sat on her tod while all her friends were constantly being asked up to dance. Feeling sorry for her, my pal decided to approach her and ask her to dance.
"Fancy a dance" he asked. "Would I" she excitedly replied. "F*** off you humphy backed b******", he retorted |
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^ You messed that right up - he says "would you like to dance". It doesn't work your way.
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^ You messed that right up - he says "would you like to dance". It doesn't work your way.
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"Without nipples, breasts would be pointless."
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