My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!

Cinderella, Thumberlina and Quasimodo are out for dinner when Norris Mcwhirter interrupts their meal and tells them they may all be record breakers, Cinderella for the the most beautiful, Thumberlina for the smallest and Quasimodo for the ugliest in all the world.

He invites them down to Guinness headquarters for confirmation the next day.

The next day the three of them are sitting outside Norris Mcwhirters office and they are called in one at a time.

Cinderella goes in first and after short while comes out with a big smile and declares 'its official, I am the most beautiful person  in the world'

In next goes Thumberlina, she too comes out after a short while with a big smile and declares 'its true, I am the smallest in all the world'

Last to go in is Quasimodo, after a few minutes he comes out looking all glum and dejected, "Whats ever is the matter?" asks Cinderella, to which Quasimodo replies angrily..."Who the f**k is Bergkamp93?"

Say what you will about Ryanair, but their tight fuel reserve policy guarantees a search radius of not more than 50 miles if one of their planes went missing.

What do you call a good looking Pakistani ?

Asif

What do u call an Indian show off?

Bindair dundat.

some belters there bigmo

I put my marriage on ebay last week.

It ends tonight.

My wife just asked me if I thought she was wearing too much make-up.

I said it depended on whether she was going to kill Batman or not.

What's yellow and at the bottom of the Indian Ocean?

Sand, you heartless bas****s.

My wife just asked me if I thought she was wearing too much make-up.

I said it depended on whether she was going to kill Batman or not.

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water ap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water so he just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws.

The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

MOSES

I had a job at a Cadbury's factory putting fudge bars in to boxes. I had to quit though because every time someone would walk past they would say,

"Oh packing fudge are we?"

Or

"Hey up, he's packing fudge again."

Since then I've applied for a job in a clothing factory lifting boxes of shirts.

I'm hoping the name calling will stop now.

I pinch loads off sikipedia twizzle.It's getting harder to find jokes now.

Two old boys playing golf.

First one says to the other "my eyes aren't what they used to be.  Did you see where it went?"

Second one replies "I did, but I can't remember."

Nice one twizzle.