Yeah…….I always thought she'd be glad to change her name to  Universal Hacksaw, but, no……..these modern women.

Oranges can be either male or female.

The males sometimes unexpectedly squirt in your eye.

The females are bitter for no apparent reason.

someone had to 

There was a farmer in the borders who had a magnificent bull that was getting near the end of its productive life.

He wanted to breed another bull calf just like the bull so he scoured the country looking for just the right cow. Eventually he found one in a farm in Ayrshire that had all the attributes he wanted so he bought it and took it home to the bull.

After a month the cow had still not become pregnant so the farmer kept a close eye on the two of them and suddenly realised the problem.

Ever time the bull tried to mount the cow, she would move a bit to the side or take a step forward making it impossible for the bull to do the business. He decided to seek advice from another local farmer who was recognised as a world expert on cattle breeding.

After explaining what the problem was the expert asked him if he had bought the cow in Ayrshire.

Feeling mightily relieved that the expert recognised the symptoms and would probably have a cure he started to relax and asked the expert how he knew the cow came from Ayrshire to which the expert replied.

My wife comes from Ayrshire.

My wife comes from Ayrshire

While m@sturbation is a touchy subject, 0ral sex is a matter of taste.

It was mealtime on an airline flight

Would you like dinner the flight attendant asked the guy in the front seat

What are my choices he asked

Yes or No she replied

My wife was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists

They performed unspeakable acts on her

They have just found the Wings of that Malaysian airplane,now they are looking for the Wangs and the Wongs.

I can stop whenever I want!

Him "hey,I go to the men's room,step up to the urinal,open my fly and out pops a steering wheel."

Her "a steering wheel instead of a peenis?"

Him "yes it's driving me nuts."

Putin claims he invaded Crimea because it was made up mostly of Russians.

Pakistan are now said to be drawing up plans to annex Bradford.

On a train from London to Manchester, an Australian is berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment:
"You English are so stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us.”
“Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood and some Aboriginal blood. What do you say to that?"




The Englishman arches an eyebrow and says: "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

in fact, why are they on the train at all?

Anyone seen that new film just out called "The Tractor" , mate said it was sh1te but the trailer looked good.

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years...

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night...

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over...

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

All this dust every where ' is someone spring cleaning the arsenal trophy cabinet ?