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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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I was sitting in a strip club when an Oriental stripper came and sat on my knee, "You want some fun?" she whispered in my ear.
"That depends." I replied, "What's your name, and how much you charging?" She said, "Penny, and sixty notes." "Well." I said taking her by the hand, "That seems quite reasonable Miss Notes. Shall we?" |
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I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog. |
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I asked the bookshop owner for the new book by Nick Clegg.
"I think I've sold out," he replied. I said, "That's the one!" |
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I called 999 for an ambulance today.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the operator. "I stumped my toe on the coffee table." I replied. "And you want an ambulance for that?" he laughed. I said, "No, it's for my wife, she shouldn't have laughed." |
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Want know what it's like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal. |
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Q. What do you call a woman paralyzed from the waste down?
A. Married |
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waist*
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I thought air was free until I bought a bag of crisps.
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A professor in social studies is lecturing a class of students. The subject shifts to sex. To illustrate some vague point, the professor asks three students at random how many times a year they indulge. About fifty says the first. Thirty says the second. The last, an elderly man with a broad smile on his face, confesses that he has sex just once a year.
‘Once?’ questions the professor: ‘If you only have sex once a year, why the stupid grin on your face?’ ‘It’s tonight,’ reveals the man. |
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This maths test can predict your favourite film. Not sure how it works but it does. Mine was Star Wars.
DON'T PEEP! Pick a number between 1 and 9. Multiply by 3. Add 3 to that number. Multiply by 3 again. Add the 2 digits together. Now discover your favourite film! 3. Oliver Twist. 4. Star Wars. 5. Forrest Gump. 6. Saving Private Ryan. 7. Jaws. 8. Grease. 9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Sheep & Oiled -Up Lady Boys. 10. Mary Poppins. |
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Mine was The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Sheep & Oiled -Up Lady Boys.
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I am intrigued by the implied suggestion that anal sex with a male sheep is somehow worse than with a female sheep.
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Jack Hacksaw 07 Apr 14 18:47
I am intrigued by the implied suggestion that anal sex with a male sheep is somehow worse than with a female sheep. |
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As a young boy I was blessed with a nine and three quarter inch penis . . .
Unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Malley. |
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Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint." Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same." Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog." |
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I bought the wife a Memory Stick; it's great ! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
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A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in a disaster area.
Yank says, "Where you from buddy?" He replies, "Newcastle" "What State's that in?" asks the Yank. "Pretty much the same as this place!" |
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two pieces of metal found in the indian ocean off the coast of australia have been identified as rolf harris,s lap tops.
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I'm one figure short of completing my Toy Story collection. If you can help, give me a Buzz ...
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A reporter asked Joe Kinnear this morning what he thought of Wonga? He said " Hes the best manager Arsenals ever had "
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What do u call a Muslim stripper? Youseen mamuff
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08 Apr 14 19:59 - two pieces of metal found in the indian ocean off the coast of australia have been identified as rolf harris,s lap tops.
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Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship.
She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't p!ss me off!" |
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A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says" I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?" The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says" but whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of nowhere!" |
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What do u call a Chinese man with a video camera?
Phil Ming. |
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and if he's videoing his wife its Phil Minger
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What do u call a 1 legged Korean?
Tai wan shoo. |
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The Japanese government thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out after the tsunami.
They said they were delicious! |
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I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night.
She looked pretty good for 65-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of vodkas, and she asked if I'd ever had a 'Sportsman's Double'? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother & daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No, I haven't', as my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. We drank a bit more, and then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in... She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Hey Mom...you still awake?" |