I pulled a knife on a woman in a dark alley last night and she said, "Here, take my necklace and bracelet, just please don't hurt me!"

I replied, "You can keep your necklace and bracelet, love. It's your ring I'm after."

I met an Essex girl on a night out in Leicester Square. At the end of the evening, I invited her back to my flat in Wimbledon for a night of rough @n@l sex, but she said she wouldn't go that far on a first date.

In the end we got a hotel in Waterloo.

At his trial, Oscar Pistorius has, at times, appeared unstable.

Luckily, a couple of beer mats have done the trick.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything."

Heard this one recently, offensive but I liked it:
A guy walked to work every morning along the canal bank. Every morning there's a little man sitting on the bank, fishing.
This goes on for ten years. One morning the little man is missing. The worker wonders about it but continues to his workplace. Next morning the little guy is back fishing away as usual.
The worker is curious  and approaches the fisherman.
"I couldn't help noticing that you were missing yesterday" he said "it must have been something really important, you've been here every day for the past ten years".
"I got married yesterday" the fisherman replied.
"You were married yesterday and your back here today, how come your not on honeymoon?, if I had been married I'd be giving the missus a right rogering at this stage" said the worker.
"Couldn't" said the fisherman "she has gonorrhea.
"That's rough" said the worker "but surely you could have given one up the backdoor"
"Gonorrhea has spread to her back passage it's chronic" said the fisherman.
"What about a **** surely she could manage one of them" said the worker.
"Fraid not" said the fisherman "she has acute oral thrush and wouldn't be able for that at all"
"Well surely she could manage a hand job" said the worker.
"Not really said the fisherman "her hands are covered in warts and callouses so bad she cannot hold anything"
"Jeez" said the worker"she has gonnorrhea, acute oral thrush can't give sex, ****s hand jobs and you go off and marry her, makes no sense. You've been fishing every day for ten years, you take one day off to get married and your back here fishing today I don't believe that dame you married was worth the effort, why did you do it?
"well" said the fisherman"she had worms"

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

Everyone is always saying how romantic I am because even after being with my wife for 12 years, I still hold her hand when we are out in public.

Let them think whatever they want.

All I know is, if I'm holding it, she can't hit me with it.

There was a young women from Horton
That had one long t!t and a shorten
No only that.
A wacking great prat
And a f@rt like a 500 Norton.

Top Tips from Viz Magazine


HIGH blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins N. Rodwell Herne Bay, Kent

DOG owners. Give passers by the impression that your dog is well trained by ordering it to do whatever it happens to be doing already. J. Kay Elem, N.P.

CREATE instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings. B. Vilbens Birmingham

WHEN out on the p1ss take a picture of your mum and dad in your wallet. It makes a handy 'drunk-o-meter' to gauge when you've had too much. When you start to fancy your mum, stop chatting up the girls. Don't even look at them. If you start to fancy your dad, leave the pub and catch the first bus home. (This is not advisable if you live with your parents). Jim Wood Isle of Arran

MUMS. A strip of banana peel tacked to the bottom of children's shoes allows them to be towed effortlessly around supermarkets. J. Tait Thropton

FOR many years I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing ladies' tights beneath my trousers. I've never found it embarrassing, as they make perfectly good - and economical - leg warmers. As a pensioner saving money and staying warm are my priorities. In summer I switch to wearing cooler and more hygienic stockings and suspenders. Mr A. Cream Rotherham

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a
bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists. Mrs P. Hamilton Arbroath

READERS with old or perished hot water bottles may, after filling, wish to leave the problem bottle in
the sink or bath and so reduce the risk of damp bedclothes. Mr P. Iopling Bracknell

WHEN buying toilet tissue I always unwind each roll carefully and number the sheets individually using
a Biro or felt-tipped pen. Mrs Howard Bingley

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. N. Burke Manchester

STOP nosey neighbours from knowing which room you're in by stealthily crawling around the house on all fours. D. E. Blancharde Fragsthorpe

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. Mrs K. Smith Bristol

Whilst strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11 am. I noticed a
Muslim extremist slip from the quayside and fall into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was
carrying.

If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

Being a responsible British citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that
requires you to help those in distress,

I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the
Fire Service.

It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet
responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot
has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

...the Tesco manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

The FA have announced that the next England manager's post will be filled by three tampons - to cope with their worst period in ten years.

UKIP have made enquiries about hiring David Moyes.

His experience at getting out of Europe has piqued their interest.

Kate Moss bumped into Jeremy Clarkson on a night out, so she said "What do you do ?"

Jeremy replies "I do Top Gear."

"Blindin'" says Kate "I'll have 4 grams."

David Cameron has brushed off being stung by a jellyfish on holiday.
"I work closely with Ian Duncan Smith, so I know how to handle spineless creatures with no brain," he added.

I got into a bit of trouble in the park late last night,

I saw this chick standing there in the dark, looking at me with her t1ts out and her knickers round her ankles.

So I went up to her and slid my hand between her legs only to grab hold of a pair of big sweaty b0ll0cks,

That's when the fighting started.

How was I to know her boyfriend was giving her one from behind.

After attending the funeral of a Chelsea mouse killed by an eighty year old lady with a broom, three mice, one from Liverpool, one from Manchester and one from Glasgow, are sitting at a bar trying to impress each other with how tough they are.

The Liverpool mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Mancunian mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The Mancunian mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Liverpudlian mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The Manchester mouse and the Liverpool mouse then turn to the Glaswegian mouse. The Glaswegian mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and sh@g the cat."