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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"
B!tch. |
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It was a hot sunny day and a fly was resting in a branch above a river, it thought to itself, "If I go down 3 inches, the mist from the river will cool me down."
A fish was in the river, thinking , "If that fly comes down 3 inches, I can jump out and eat it." A bear was in the trees close to the river, thinking, "If that fly goes down 3 inches, the fish will jump out of the water and I can eat it." Meanwhile, a hunter was sitting up on the bank eating a cheese sandwich thinking, "If that fly goes down 3 inches, the fish will jump out of the water, the bear will come out from behind the trees and I can shoot him and have a decent lunch." You might think this is enough activity beside a river but there is more! A mouse was in the undergrowth thinking to himself, "If that fly goes down 3 inches, the fish will eat the fly, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich, and I can eat the cheese." A cat was in the bushes thinking, "If that fly goes down 3 inches, the fish will eat the fly, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his sandwich, the mouse will eat the cheese and I can eat the mouse." Suddenly, the fly could stand the heat no more and went down 3 inches, the fish jumped out to eat it, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear and dropped his cheese sandwich, the mouse grabbed the cheese and the cat dived for the mouse... The mouse ducked and the cat flew in the river and drowned!!!! The moral of the story is: If a fly goes down 3 inches, there is a poossy in trouble somewhere. |
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How to lose an argument with a woman.
1) Argue |
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I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
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A Platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon commander asked the injured soldier what had happened. The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing power mad idiot. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian. He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us." |
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You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
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Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood...
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Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
When I seen a nun in a wheelchair one thought came to mind. Virgin mobile. |
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." |
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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm not on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate." |
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Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious — nobody saw me.
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"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
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I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
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i'm sorry but i'm not going to apologize for being unrepentant.
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Some people tell jokes only to amuse themselves. It usually works.
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bigmo
bigmo 27 Apr 14 23:33 Joined: 23 Jul 03 | Topic/replies: 8,699 | Blogger: bigmo's blog I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet, which had a "Tested to British Safety Standards" sign on it. Underneath someone had scrawled: "So was the Titanic." I think they scrawled that in 1952 ,mate |
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I've got a cracker coming up about soap
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That was a barbitchyouate.
  ffs |
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A woman has claimed to have had sex with ghost.
In other news, an albino rapist is still at loose. |
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My wife was so ugly as a child the local paedophile used to eat his own sweets.
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I don't bother with the Grand National any more. Last year my horse started off at 33/1 at Aintree, and ended up at 2 for 1 at Tesco.
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What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot. |
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I don't believe in superstition, it just brings bad luck.
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Gay men tend to be very tongue in cheek.
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A crate load of football shirts from Portsmouth have just been returned from Haiti with a note saying "we may have lost our families, we may have lost our homes, but by God we still have our pride!"
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Gay men tend to be very tongue in cheek.
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Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist who got off on a technicality?
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If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.
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Bayern Munich 0 - 4 Real Madrid.
The last time a foreign squad had that many shots on target in Munich, Israel lost half their Athletics team. |
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You learn something new every day.
Unless you go to a faith school. |
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If you don't have any vowels, does that mean you're inconsonant?
Spidermans not the only one with sticky fingers after using the web. |
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Simon Cowell becomes first high profile celebrity client to ditch Max Clifford after being 'horrified' by the PR guru's attacks on young women
Cowell, 54 and his girlfriend Lauren Silverman, 21 were both said to be horrified after hearing the evidence against Clifford in court. |
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My ability to replace regular words in a sentence with religious ones is second to nun.
My fear of moving stairs is escalating. |
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Subject: Single Black Female advert.
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Cornish Guardian. SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your car, hunting, camping and fishing, cozy winter nights in lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.. Call 01872-264208 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting..... Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Truro RSPCA |
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Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian
beers please.' The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?' 'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, hire a car. and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees. 'Ah, England !' says the bartender. 'Wonderful Country ... the history,the beer, the culture....' 'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians.' 'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender. 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.. |
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I saw the movie 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,' and was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden. - Steve Martin
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