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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Jürgen Klopp has ruled himself out of the Man Utd job, but said his brother Klippity might be interested.
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Nearly got caught stealing a rabbit,had to make a run for it.
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A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field full of dildos, unfortunately hes having trouble with squatters !!
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During his trial, Oscar Pistorius has appeared somewhat unstable.
But a couple of beer mats have done the trick. |
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My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily, I knew how to use the wife's tights to fix it.
I put them on my head and robbed Halfords. |
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottsman were sitting in a pub drinking ale. Three flies flew in and each landed on a different mans glass.
The Englishman makes a face, pushes the glass aside says "Barkeep, a fresh one please!" The Irishman tosses back his brew and says "That was refreshing!" The Scotsman picks up the fly by it's wing and while banging it on the rim of the glass says "Go on! Spit it back out! Every drop of it!" |
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The late Bob Monkhouse, who died at the age of 75, had a huge catalogue of gags and one-liners that he could call upon for any situation.
Here is a sample of some of his one-liners: "I got my start in silent radio." "The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time." "Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?" "My wife's see-through nightie is now bi-focal." "Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional." "If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours." "A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away." "I swam in the dead sea when it was only critically ill." "My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo." "They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now." "What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals." "I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights." "I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard." "Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money." "I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer." "My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh." |
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Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!" The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer f00kin' candle!" |
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A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
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David Cameron is on a visit to a newly opened hospital. After seeing the intensive care unit, the
maternity ward, the children's ward (etc) he is taken to a ward at the end of a corridor where a number of patients are sitting up in bed. Suddenly one of them leaps out, stands in front of Cameron and says at the top of his voice: The groaning trencher there ye fill, Your hurdies like a distant hill, Your pin was help to mend a mill In time o'need and immediately jumps back into bed. Before Cameron has a chance to ask just what the hell is going on, another patient jumps out of bed and yells: I'm truly sorry man's dominion, Has broken nature's social union, An' justifies that ill opinion, Which makes thee startle Cameron is getting really flustered by now, thinking he's on the ward for the truly berserk, when another patient stands up on his bed and proclaims..... O wad some Power the giftie gie us To see oursels as ithers see us! It wad frae mony a blunder free us, An' foolish notion: Cameron looks helplessly around, wondering just what kind of psychiatric ward this is. The manager tells him: "And this, Prime Minister, is the Serious Burns Unit." |
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My mate asked today, "What's the possibility of Oscar Pistorius being found innocent?"
I said, "There's more chance of him getting athletes foot." |
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A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and throwing them out of the window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch." "Listen love," he replied, "It's got nothing to do with you. I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the head and shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha, ha! You'll get fined £200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "...... and you'll get six years, when the police smell your fingers." |
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I've always had a lot of respect for my wife.
Any woman who can drink 10 pints and still throw a good dart deserves it. |
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go to a Strip Club.
The girl dances up in front of the Englishman and sticks her butt out, so he puts a £20 note down the back of her g-string. Then she dances up to the Irishman and pushes her crotch towards him, so he puts a £20 note in the front of her g-string. Finally she gyrates in front of the Scotsman who takes out his ATM card, sticks it between her legs and takes out £40! |
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A selection of letters sent into Viz.
On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely pi**ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly. Mrs B. Essex. The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar. John Sampson, Southampton. |
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If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead . They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local. D Evans, London. |
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If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth. Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service. A Woodward, Sheffield. |
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They say good manners cost you nothing. Boll0cks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bl00dy grand.
J Morgan, Wigan. If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics? Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham |
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When being accused of sexual harassment at work always make sure you keep the complaint forms in the bottom draw so you can get get a good look at her ar$e P.Smith Letchworth.
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In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford. These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down. Tim Wakefield, Surrey. |
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"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
Look at these gems .. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. .. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. .. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. .. The batteries were given out free of charge. .. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. .. A will is a dead giveaway. .. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. .. A boiled egg is hard to beat. .. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall. .. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. .. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. .. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. .. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. .. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. .. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. .. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye. .. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it. And the cream of the wretched crop: .. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end. |
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Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's
when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women. Chris Mapply, Carshalton. We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us. George Nisbet. |
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Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the
blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich . I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to. B Bollockbrain, Braintree . |
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Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was
the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore. M Duckworth, Poole So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either. J Leonard, Hull |
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sting
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To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed
kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'. Danny King, Balham I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one? K Libretto, Welling |
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An Australian was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a
cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, "Do you Australian folk eat the whole bread?" The Australian frowned, annoyed at being bothered during his breakfast and replied, "Yes, of course we do!" The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia." The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied, "Yes." Cracking the gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell it to Australia." The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The Yank smiled and said, "Yeah, of course we do." The Australian lent closer to him and asked, "What do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away of course," replied the American. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down and transform them into chewing gum and sell them to the States. That's why it's called "Wrigley's". |
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Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse."Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me." Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.. "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher. |
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The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home" "Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said,"Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff. The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish. |
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terrible, wholly dependent on the priest having a ridiculously contrived name
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I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet, which had a "Tested to British Safety Standards" sign on it.
Underneath someone had scrawled: "So was the Titanic." |
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Three gentlemen, who all stuttered, decided to try a new speech therapist. The therapist turned out to be the most beautiful woman they had ever seen. She also had a new technique for curing the stutters.
She tells the three, "If you can say the name of the city where you where born without stuttering, you can have sex with me." The first man says "D-d-dub-b-blin". "Sorry", says the therapist. The second man says "B-b-belfast". "Sorry", says the therapist. Finally the third man manages to get out "London", at which point the therapist takes him into the back room, where they have the best sex the man has ever had. As he's lying there catching his breath, the therapist asks him "Well?" at which point he says says "D-d-derry" |
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Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance, but it does stop your biscuit going soft |
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Two seagulls fly over a race track.
One says "Look, there's a race down below!" Other one says " I'm gonna put everything I got on number 5." |