We want to share an important update with our Betfair Community users.
Over the coming months, the Betfair Community platform will be winding down. The final active day for the platform will be December 21st. From December 22nd, users will no longer be able to access the platform.
Your discussions, insights, engagement, and, most importantly, feedback have helped shape the platform and guided innovation. Your feedback continues to be important to us, and we will continue to listen via our dedicated feedback channels, as well as through product testing and innovations.
To share your feedback and experience, visit: https://support.betfair.com/app/home
Chit Chat
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 14654 comments are related to the topic:
Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 14,654
|
By:
"I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." – Chris Turner
|
|
By:
"I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine
|
|
By:
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on holiday.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.' |
|
By:
"Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold
|
|
By:
"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis
|
|
By:
9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders
|
|
By:
"My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar
|
|
By:
I googled for "Missing medieval servant".
It said "Page could not be found". |
|
By:
 Sister Kate.. |
|
By:
Can't remember if these two have been posted.
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.(The Guardian) |
|
By:
At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.(Aberdeen Evening Express)
|
|
By:
A Centurion walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
"You mean a Martini?" says the bartender. The Centurion replies: "If I'd wanted a double, I'd have asked for one!" |
|
By:
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. "No, not at all," says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar." |
|
By:
|
|
By:
I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a witch doctor.
"Why do you want to do that?" I said. "Pwobabwy for financial secuwity," she replied. |
|
By:
Poll finds, most people believe Ukip contains racists.
Well duh, that's why we're voting for them. |
|
By:
The Daily Mail the only toilet paper to leave more cr@p on you after wiping.
|
|
By:
Its hardly surprising local shops are closing.A fortnight ago i bought a get well card for my neighbour..just been back to exchange it for a bereavement one and they refused.
|
|
By:
The police are getting really close to identifying the masked rapist who's been terrorising women in my town for the last six months.
They're next door at the moment. |
|
By:
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it. |
|
By:
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be a lot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to..
|
|
By:
I thought I would give my wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra.
As I entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, thankfully the girls working there took charge to help me. "What color?" they asked. I settled for white. "How much does it cost?" I asked. "Twenty dollars." "Very good," I thought. All that remained was the size, but I hadn't the faintest idea. "Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?" "No," I said, "nothing like that." "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles." I thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears? |
|
By:
My wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor."
"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" |
|
By:
My internet went down for 10 minutes last night so I went down stairs to reset the router and ended up bumping in to my family in the living room.
They seemed like nice people. |
|
By:
Before finding music success in the charts, T'Pau appeared in numerous fight scenes in the 1960's TV series of Batman.
|
|
By:
Liverpool fans in distress can call a new helpline 0845 30313233
|
|
By:
|
|
By:
Lead: noun - A soft grey metallic element that is very heavy.
So heavy that a whole Scouse football team can't seem to hold it. |
|
By:
A man says to his wife, "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
His wife replies, "You've got a bigger d1ck than your brother." |
|
By:
What's the difference between brussel sprouts and pubic hair?
Nothing, push it aside and keep on eating. |
|
By:
Whenever I see a miserable checkout girl in Asda I tell her that the lady standing behind me is a mystery shopper.
It's quite entertaining as you watch them become really friendly while packing your shopping away. |
|
By:
Its a shame Carlsberg isnt on the Liverpool shirt anymore
If they did title f*ck ups that would probably be the best in the world. |
|
By:
bigmo
bigmo 06 May 14 19:28 Joined: 23 Jul 03 | Topic/replies: 8,891 | Blogger: bigmo's blog Whenever I see a miserable checkout girl in Asda I tell her that the lady standing behind me is a mystery shopper. It's quite entertaining as you watch them become really friendly while packing your shopping away. lol, I must try that. I spent £10-32 in Morrisons today, gave the girl £20 and asked if 32p would be of any assistance. "Whatever" was the reply ffs |
|
By:
Let us know how you get on kenny.
 Pilot: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your Captain speaking. First the good news - you all get to be on TV tonight. |
|
By:
"Your driving is f*ck*ng awful," I said to my wife this morning.
"It would help if you told me where I should be going!" she yelled, "Do I go left at this roundabout, or do I go right???" "Do a left," I replied calmly, "Then do a right between the swings & the slide." |
|
By:
I'm surprised the rescue teams looking for Flight MH370 haven't drafted in some Glaswegians.
Then told them "There's a drinks trolley down there,and it's finders keepers" |
|
By:
This week was "Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day."
Or as kids call it, "Play With an iPad in a Corner Day." |
|
By:
Today, I was browsing pornhub in Nigeria.
The popup advert said, "There are no local girls in your area." |
|
By:
|
|
By:
First the Malaysian airliner disappears and now these 200 Nigerian schoolgirls have been kidnapped. I'm beginning to doubt they'll ever find a black box intact
|