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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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What do you call a Muslim husband?
Abusif. |
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My friend confided in me that he was going to flat share with a female friend of his and he was worried that it would lead to sex and ruin their relationship.
"Come on now." I said consoling him, "I once lived with a bird for 5 years and we never touched each other." "Oh, right." He replied excited, "What happened after that?" "We got divorced." I replied. |
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Just wanted to say a big 'well done' to Bigmo for this thread - brilliant stuff
I know how annoying it is to enter the thread to read an entry without a joke too, so here is one I once went out with a girl called Simile - I don't know what I metaphor I bet you all wish I hadn't bothered (blame Tim Vine) |
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Thanks FatherMaguire.
Good joke as well.Like all the Tim Vine stuff.  |
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Subway now refuse to serve ham or pork! Typical of business corporations today, they only care about prophets.
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Ban on Indian mango imports to EU comes into force, probably the first time the EU has stopped anything coming into the UK.
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I was rough as f**k off beer this morning, so the wife had to drive me to work.
"I don't understand it." I said." I only had five pints." "I know, Dave." She replied. "But it's hardly a f*cking balanced breakfast." |
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According to studies, we humans only use twelve percent of our brains.
Just imagine how much more intelligent we would be if we could use the other seventy. |
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I see Saudi Arabia has a new website that allows citizens to send complaints directly to the king.
If needed, you can even submit a second complaint using your remaining hand. |
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A Lorry full of chickens has overturned this morning on the M60.
Police say they were travelling back from Anfield, where Liverpool FC had been counting them for the last 8-10 weeks. |
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Heartfelt congratulations to Russell Brand on winning this year's Eurovision Song Contest.
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Back in the 1960s a couple were celebrating their silver wedding anniversary.
The man says to his wife, what would you like to do do to celebrate? The wife says, well we haven't been to the cinema for ages, grab the paper and see what's on. Good idea, says the husband and begins thumbing through the entertainment section in the paper. There's one on at the Roxy. Sounds like a film about me, you the Mother-In-Law. What's that says the wife. The Good The Bad And The Ugly, says the husband to be continued |
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bigmo 14 May 14 17:44
According to studies, we humans only use twelve percent of our brains. Just imagine how much more intelligent we would be if we could use the other seventy. |
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My new girlfriend gave me a beer, and handed me a coaster.
I knew right then it wasn't going to work out. She obviously thinks I was going to put down my beer. |
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Free to good home.
My girlfriend doesn't like my dog, so I appeal to you. She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. Has long hair so she's a little high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell! So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed!! |
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I've treated my previous girlfriends like gold.
They're all buried in a safe place. |
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I arrived back at my car just as the traffic warden stuck the ticket on the windscreen 'You disgust me, you really are the lowest of the low' I said.
'I'm just doing my job' she protested. 'Just make sure my tea's on the table when I get home you ****' I replied. |
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All these immigrants should learnt to talk proper England like what we does.
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The English FA are said to be horrified at how filthy and insecure Rio is.
Frankly I don't think the **** will be in the team anyway, so it shouldn't be an issue. |
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What are the chances of a lead news story being about miners and shafts with no veteran broadcaster involved?.
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Why is Mexico so sh1t at the Olympics?
Because anyone that can run, jump or swim is already in the United States |
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Following racist accusations, Jeremy Clarkson has said as a goodwill gesture, and to prove it was all a big misunderstanding he'll invite Lenny Henry onto Top Gear as the Star in the reasonably priced car.
Just as soon as the production team fit a Tracker. |
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I was at knowsley safari park over easter (near Liverpool), and apparently when it opened some big cheeses from London came up, checking out its health and safety.
They asked the park manager what about the tigers, and he said well we have fully trained vets here, and trained marksmen with tranqualiser guns. Ok they said, what about a wild stampede from the buffalo's? The park manager said not a problem all the security gates are electrified. Ok they said, what if a huge baboon escaped over the fence and got amongst the local Liverpool population? The park manager said "Well he would have to take his chances like everbody else!" |
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I always bring a condom with me on a night out.
Unfortunately it's always the same one. |
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A security guard stopped me as I walked out of the supermarket today.
"Can you open the jacket for me please, sir?" he asked. "Sure," I replied, unbuttoning it all the way down, "There you go." He said, "Thanks, but I meant yours." |
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mesmerised
Huddlestone Run? The only time I've ever seen Tom Huddlestone run was when he was told he could leave White Hart Lane. Nicked off the footy forum. |
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I was in a shop in Liverpool today.
All the items had a steal-by date. |
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bigmo 16 May 14 07:09
I always bring a condom with me on a night out. Unfortunately it's always the same one. I cant use them,they hurt my b@lls when I take them back out |
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Must of been freezing in liverpool yesterday,some scousers had there hands in there own pockets
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Former England goalkeeper David James has been declared bankrupt.
He could never f*cking save anything anyway. |
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I like w@nking whilst looking at myself in the mirror.
My driving instructor doesn't. |
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Going to see Godzilla tonight.
God knows why I accepted to have a second date with her. |
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As a moth, I used to think life was shallow and futile, with very little to get excited about.
And then I saw the light. |
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I was in Liverpool last xmas so I purchased an advent calendar.
All the windows were boarded up. |
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I got a brand new 20' x 15' carpet in a '33% off' sale.
When I unrolled it to lay it, it was only 10 feet long. |
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We were in a restaurant when my started moaning to that I don't understand long words.
As our main course arrived she said 'Pass me some condiments please.' I said 'Your hair looks nice, and I like your new shoes.' |
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when my wife
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Popular forumite northernlad went to the GU clinic at the local hospital in Blackpool.
He told the nurse that he gets embarrassed because his penis is so small. The nurse said 'In over 30 years I've never laughed at a patient, I'm a professional.' 'Okay' said northernlad, and dropped his trousers to reveal the smallest penis the nurse had ever seen. It was identical in length and thickness to an AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling bad that she had laughed at northernlads penis she composed herself as well as she could and said 'I am so sorry, I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise I won't laugh again.' 'Thank you.' said northernlad. The nurse asked 'Now, what's the problem?' 'It's swollen.' said northernlad The nurse ran from the room. |
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I'm not saying Katie Price has a slack ****..
But she only realised she was six months pregnant when she noticed footprints in her knickers. |