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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Ive just been woken up by a knock at the door..........
"I said ..........who is it ?" UKIP |
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Paddy & Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick, "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, You can have them both" |
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My wife barely notices the racket all those vuvuzelas make throughout the World Cup matches.
She's used to hearing a tirade of horns every time she pulls out at a f*cking roundabout. |
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Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party.
That's when I realised he was the favourite twin. |
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Prince Charles has apologised to the Russian ambassador for comparing Putin to Hitler, whilst on a state visit to Canada.
He said that in future he would try to remember he's representing the Queen and not Prince Philip. |
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David Moyes is being investigated over an allegation he assaulted a man in a wine bar. And people think he's not ready for the Celtic job......
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David Moyes to be investigated for assault.
Moyes and attacking? I don't buy it. |
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Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a machine which can see 100 years into the future, so they both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Obama goes first: What will the USA be like in 100 years time? The machine whirrs and beeps, goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out. "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, There is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries” Cameron thinks “It's not bad this machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks: “What will England be like in 100 years time?” The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout, but he just stares at it. “Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say” Cameron replied “Buggered if I know! It's not in English!” |
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I asked the bookshop owner for the new book by Nick Clegg.
"I think I've sold out," he replied. I said, "That's the one!" |
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Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people that were nearly 100 years old, having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh, no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply 'IN 'on the Ding, and 'OUT' on the Dong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, .................. 'He'd still be alive today if the Ice Cream Truck hadn't come along.... |
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A primary school were due to receive a visit from David Cameroon, so the teacher asked the class what they were going to say to him.
One 7 year old girl said ’My cat had 5 kittens last week, and when they grow up, they’re all going to vote conservative.’ The teacher was pleased and said that she should indeed tell that to Mr Cameron. A month later Mr Cameron arrived for his visit, and with the local press in tow, he was introduced to the class of children. The teacher soon introduced the girl and asked her to tell Mr Cameron what she said a month ago. The girl said to Mr Cameron ’My cat had 5 kittens last month, and when they grow up, they’re all going to vote UKIP.‘ The teacher was aghast, she said ’You told me they were all going to vote conservative’ The girl said ‘They were, but they’ve opened their eyes since then.’ |
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A gorgeous blond enters the train car where an old man is already sitting alone. To his surprise he notices that she isn't using underwear. When she sees the old man staring at her v@gin@, she says:
- Do you wanna see my v@gin@ winking? - Ok... And then she winks it, and says that she can do better: - Do you wanna see it giving you a little kiss? - Yes, yes by all means... And the man is astonished by that feat of v@gin@l flexibility. The Blond getting all excited and warmed up by that exercise asks the old man: - DO you wanna to put two fingers in it? He replies: - For God's sake don't tell me that your v@gin@ can whistle too! |
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People are saying that Jeremy Clarkson is 'untouchable' at the BBC.
Of course he is. He's the wrong sex and about 40 years too old. |
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I went to my doctor and said,"My balls@ck looks like Tom Jones's face."
"Believe it or not," He replied,"It's not unusual." |
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I see Sony has invented a new cassette tape that can hold 47 million songs.
The first demonstration is scheduled for 2019, when it finishes rewinding. |
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My daughter has to use one of those talking cash machines.
Me. |
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A conservative spokesman was asked what he thought of UKIPs success in the local elections.
"F*cking UKIP, " He said, " coming round here, stealing our jobs." |
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"I won't be coming in today." I said to my boss.
"I know Dave." He replied. "How the hell did you know?" "Because I sacked you three weeks ago you drunk b@stard." |
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jesus bigmo stick to pictures of cats ffs
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My boyfriend took me out in his new Ferrari last night, and spent the whole time going on about acceleration, power-to-weight ratios, handling and braking efficiency, before dropping me at home and zooming off into the night.
Frankly, I hoping for less torque and more action. |
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My girlfriend runs her own very successful hairdressing business.
She's not short of a bob or two. |
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Man Flu - The Facts...
1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*. *(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.) 2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too. 3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities. 4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in. 5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it 6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast). 7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known. 8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off. 9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu. 10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van ****'s voice has remarkable soothing powers. Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together. |
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A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for." "Mint! - but I can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me." |
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Nick Clegg and The Lib-Dums doing a remake of the 60s hit 'Yesterday Man.'
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My mate asked me how I got on at the golf course.
I said, "Terrible! Sliced my ball at the 1st tee." He said, "Wrong choice of club?" "No mate! Left a f*cking Stanley knife in my pocket." |
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I write my mistresses' phone numbers on the rear view mirror.
I know my wife would never think to look there. |
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The owners of the Cheeki Rafiki have pledged to launch a new boat in honour of the four lives lost in its recent sinking.
The Leaki Cheeki Rafiki will be launched next year. |
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Elliot Rodger.
The most inappropriate surname in history for a dead virgin. |
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Get a ******* edit button Betfair for tw@ts like me....
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How cold was it this morning? I had to use my B&Q discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen!
Didn't work though, only got 10% off. |
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"Can you give me a synonym for the word 'Adrift'?" Asked my blonde girlfriend.
"Off course." I replied. "Well,what is it then smart ass?". |
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I told this girl I thought she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised. |
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Rocker Ozzy Osbourne cannot convert part of his Buckinghamshire estate until he can protect the bats which live there, the council says.
Talk about Karma. |
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Can anyone tell me what happens after the first ten minutes of a porn film?
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I'm loving that one bigmo^ |
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My new telly is brilliant, it shows 50 frames per second.
I managed to watch the whole of the snooker world championships in less than a minute. |
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My attempt to make the perfect halal sandwich failed, when I made a pig's ear of it....
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