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Chit Chat
Got any jokes?
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Pedro and Maria got married
Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack When Pedro was undressing Maria said 'Oh Pedro, what is that?' Pedro being very quick thinking said 'Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these' Then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something. 'Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too.' Thinking fast, Pedro said 'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those.' Marie, being very stupid, accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night. Pedro went off to work again the next morning; and, when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch Pedro said, 'Maria, what is the matter now?' 'Pedro…………You gave Gonzalez the best one!!' |
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I've never smoked a cigarette after sex.
But I always carry a packet and some matches with me just in case. |
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I can't be the only guy who mentally adds my c0ck to the sight of a girl yawning.
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'Pedro…………You gave Gonzalez the best one!!'
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bigmo,so it was you who stole bob monkhouse"s joke book those years ago
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terry shuuuuush.....
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Since Conchita won Eurovision, a lot of people have been confused at the sight of a bearded lady.
Clearly, those people don't live in Bradford. |
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Seven Englishman and an Irishman are in a rape line up....
The victim walks in and Paddy steps forward and shouts, "That's her, the miserable frigid f*cker!" |
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I complained to my doctor that my b0ll0cks were hurting this morning.
"I can see the problem," he said, as I stood there in my pants, "Dave, you've got 4-5 years." "How can you tell just by looking?" I asked. He said, "It's written on the label." |
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what should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking during sex?
go slower and use more lube... |
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Just been banned from Sainsbury's, when they asked if I had a "bag for life" they weren't impressed when I got my scrotum out.
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"Please, just let me finish." I said to my wife during an argument last night.
"No I will NOT let you finish!" she yelled, pulling me off the prostitute. |
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https://www.youtube.com/v/_CwHrJt8Oz8
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Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle)is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your **** before prison...."
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When it's sunny I think, 'beer garden.'
When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while. When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beers. I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather. |
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Why is it that adverts for Durex Condoms are banned until after the 9pm watershed, yet Tampax see it fit to ruin my appetite every ******* mealtime?
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I think my accent is too posh.
I was having dinner in an Indian restaurant and told the waiter that I didn't want too much spice so he showed me to a cramped table in the corner. |
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I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.
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I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache."
"It's a migraine," he explained. "No, it's not, it's mine - and why the f*ck have you started speaking Italian?" |
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I got an email from my mate this morning asking if I want to go to the Reading festival.
I told him to f*ck off! He knows I'm dyslexic! |
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21.38 joke very funny
even my misses laughed at that one (fcking miracle these days) |
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*The doctor one
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A wasp flew into the living room today, so I grabbed a rolled up newspaper and handled the situation in the best possible way.
By going for a cr@p and leaving my wife to deal with it. |
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'You've got a friend in Jesus'. Unless, of course, you attend a Catholic Boarding School, in which case Jesus probably has a friend in you.
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The king of Spain has abdicated.
Another Juan bites the dust. |
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If you ever feel like you're not fitting in, try lubricant.
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If Amanda Holden gets one more facelift, she's going to have to start brushing her teeth with Vagasil.
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ITV's coverage of the World Cup is about to begin, two whole hours before each game starts.
Even my wife doesn't need this much pointless fumbling before the main event. |
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Feminists calling for a female Doctor Who have clearly misunderstood the point. He's a doctor, not a nurse!
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It's the day of Prince Edward's wedding. He and Sophie are having a wonderful time, but beneath the smiles and celebrations, Sophie appears to be in pain.
Edward notices and asks her what's wrong. "Well it's these shoes", she says, "I'm sure they sent me the wrong ones. They must be at least 2 sizes two small!" "Never mind", he replies, "The reception will be over soon and we can head back to the room and take them off". Sure enough, the reception draws to a close and after the guests have gone, Edward and Sophie make their way towards their bedroom, little knowing that they have been followed by the rest of the royal family, who press their ears against the door to get a good listen. Sophie collapses on the bed and Edward, looking at her shoes, says "Right! you've waited long enough - let's get these off straight away" There's about 5 minutes of grunting and moaning, followed by a loud sigh of relief from Sophie. "Bloody hell! That was tight!", exclaims Edward. Outside the door, The Queen whispers to Prince Philip. "See! I told you she was still a virgin!" Back inside, Edward looks at the other shoe. "Right! Now let's have a go at the other one" 5 more minutes of grunting and moaning occur, followed by another loud groan from Sophie. "Christ! That one was even tighter!", says Edward. "That's my boy!", whispers Prince Philip with a tear in his eye, "Once a sailor, always a sailor!" |
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A supporter of the Ukip party in Newark has said allowing gay marriage could lead to people "marrying pigs".
I'm pretty sure heterosexual marriage often has the same result. |
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Note to self, when hiring a prostitute whilst on holiday in Amsterdam, never again ask her to "sit on my face" in a 'shilly dutch akshent'
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Once a sailor .........
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The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey". Well I just left her to it,And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared;The sight filled me with dread... In her left she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor,and then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago;I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well;she's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind;Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse;She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet;A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominater !! Now if you knew our Mabel,You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left t1t! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!? She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one"!! Well readers, I can't tell no more; About what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey |
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Friend of mine just started a business selling pictures of his own image online.
He's Selfie-employed. |
